as i stuck the key into the hole, there was a distant melody of a handphone ringing somewhere. someone's in the lift foyer, the thought immediately sprang into my head and just as quickly dissipated into thin air. my brain continued with its idyllic flow of aimless musings, as it usually do in standby mode, whilst i turned and locked the door behind me.

still deep in day-dream, i nearly jumped a mile high when i saw a figure squatting at the far end of the lift foyer. staring directly into the direction of the sun behind her back, i was barely able to make out the face and shape of the person. despite my earlier acknowledgement that there will be someone in the lift foyer, i still couldn't shake out the feeling that this was 'someone' beyond our realm. damn those scary japanese ghost movies and damn ringu! those things are usually portrayed squatting eerily in some dark corners whilst the victim walks unknowingly by. i felt like i was the main character in one of those movies. i could even hear the imaginary suspenseful music building in the background.

squinting, i barely made out a maid in yellow cap, busily punching messages into her handphone and glancing up to look up at me for only a split second. really? you couldn't do your texting, and frightening innocent yellow-bellied people, in some other obscure spots? i stopped believing in ghosts a very long time ago. strictly speaking, i do believe that spirits exist amongst us but i am also convinced that most of the time, they are unable to make contact with us or interfere with our daily lives, unless some special circumstance exist. therefore, i have stopped being afraid of things that go bump in the middle of the night and monsters under the bed for a long time now.

still, i couldn't help but take another glance at the figure by the window one more time as i entered into the lift, and wonder if she was really someone from another world. thank goodness she didn't roll out her foot-long red tongue at me :-p

this is the third time. and the final one. when i heard her story for the third time, she has already left the world. six months from day 1, or did she even had that? someone i never knew the name of. someone i have never seen. but i was so close to grasping her hands and pulling her away from death's door. could i have done more? someone who was a total stranger, someone who doesn't even know i exist. how could i?

life toys with us in such cruel ways. there is no answer to the many hurdles in life, no magic book to show us the future and guide us through the present, no gprs to take us on the correct route. it was a miracle this time round; i had in my hands the answers. if someone was to give you a secret formula, a secret method that has been time-tested and tried out, 80% guaranteed to a path of survival, what rationale would you have to push it away? why would you prefer something else that takes you onto path unknown? what reasons will you have to choose death over hope? i will never ever be able to understand. however, what is the use of asking, of deliberating, of being frustrated? she is no longer here.

the ugly things that we see, the hard shoulders that we rub, the unpleasant experiences that we felt..... the little things that make us grow a little jaded, a little apathetic and make us build our walls a little higher. will i reach my hands out again with such passion? will be as distressed when i hear adversity? will i want so badly to help? i really doubt so.

once in a while, we all need a little angel to inspire us back onto the path of virtue. someone or something that shows us beauty lies still in the world. where do i find mine?

knock knock. my heart is going knock-knock-knocking. the doctor says it's alright if you have a structurally sound heart, and apparently without actually seeing it by x-rays or scans, she knows i have a structurally sound one. sorry, did that not come across as sarcastic? well, it was. an ecg and a stethoscope tells her that, and god knows what other superpower she possesses. i assume i have a sound one by the way she sends me on my way and told me that i am alright, if i do not drop dead. ok, fine, i added the drop dead part. she just sent me on my way, without even telling me when i should make a second visit. one hundred eighty dollars for a few minutes of chat and a cold stethescope tapping across my chest and back. damn, i am in the wrong line. should have gone into medical.

frankly, i suspect that doctors know little about hearts skipping beats and doing tap dances in your chest. according to what's written on the world wide web statistically people have been known to live long and healthy if it's benign, despite that particular organ doing breakdances and street dancing every now and then. so my doctor was very certain, and dismissive, when she told me that i'll be alright if it's a benign ectopic heartbeat. IF being the keyword here. if it's benign. if you drop dead suddenly, then what do you know? it's not benign :-p

actually, despite all the talk, i'm not so worried about the drop-dead part. i'm so lazy it's not surprising that my heart will take the easy way out and beat one less time if it can. heck, it'll even skip 10 beats at a time, if i can still breathe and survive. however, it is very very uncomfortable. do you know the feeling when you are frightened out of your wits? when someone / something pops out suddenly from out of nowhere and your heart drops to the bottom of your chest? that's how it feels like, except that it happens every minute or so for a span of maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and then it disappears again, waiting for the next thing to trigger it off again. not a great feeling to have your heart crashing to the floor at supersonic speed and leaving you gasping for air, is it? most distracting and unpleasant.

yet doctors tell you that it's perfectly alright, without so much as the batting of her eyes. i don't know what's alright with my heart not beating every so often. she tells me to come back if it continues. it's continually happening for more than 3 weeks now. how else is it suppose to continue before she examines me beyond that stethoscope? one week, one month, one year, 10 years? she didn't say. doctors. when will they have more empathy for their patients beyond ...it's benign, so live with it.

i feel like such a loser. a big failure the size of malaysia's soon-to-come warisan merdeka 100-storey building. less than one month after my tirade and drama-queen post about how i will not bow to the eyes and opinion of the general public about my lame handphone, i went out and got myself a new phone. sigh. i know, i know. such a hypocrite. such a faker. a fraud, a phony. there. i've said it all. now you can't point your wagging fingers at me anymore :-p

i'll like to think that what did me in was still not what others thought of my phone, as i have tiraded a few weeks ago. what really pushed me over the edge, and got me ready to throw my phone of the nearest cliff with angry swirling waves underneath is that it was not working like it was supposed to. forget that it records the lamest pixels of photos, eventhough that is really important to me because i use that feature a lot. it does still record images, blurry and sketchy as it may be. forget that it only allows me to record videos in periods of 1 minute blocks, and that i will have to upload all into the computer and use some fancy software to stitch them together. forget that there is no wifi connection on the phone. hello? you get what you paid for, right? fair's fair.

but when the person standing right next to me managed to get a signal and i didn't, not even if i moved around and waved my arms around like an idiot, not even when i do a backward bend and touch the ground with my head (not that i can actually do that) and not even when i flapped my arms like a chicken trying to fly, i have had enough. add that with 'message storage memory not ready' (in a whiny irritating voice.....mine, not the machine's) when i switch on the phone and try to access the sms service, essentially cutting off my texting services FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES!! i really wanted to open the airplane window and throw the darn thing out. but of course, everybody knows that airplane windows cannot be opened :-p

funny how when you don't like something, you only concentrate on its bad points and forget all about its good side? pretty much like a man and his old wife, sadly. in all fairness to me, i didn't really forget. the reason i stuck with my phone was because i could receive calls all the time, as compared to the smart gadgety ones that were censoring my calls and choosing by its own smart-idioty brain whom i can talk to and whom i can't. when it can't even deliver that, that one saving grace, it's time to chuck it in.

recharging