learning to let go

i've come to a certain realisation. and that is i have sucky friends. well, friends that suck if such a term does not exist. about the two things that i really am passionate about in my life are my family and friends, and both sucks. sigh. when your destiny is such, you live with it and move on.

i guess many won't share my opinion that my family sucks, and in a way they are great. but in so many other ways, they SUCK. the problem is if i whine about all that's wrong about them and perhaps get the problems off my chest, i start to develop this abhorence about myself and my own character and values, so i'm pretty much stuck with just one word - SUCK (which is kind of nice to say because of the way it rolls off your tongue and you put every decibel of frustration behind it as you expel the word).

as for friendship, i'm not someone who is automatically warm and genuine to every single breathing soul out there. i do not have such magnitude for compassion to embrace superficial, conceited, ostensious and a huge variety of people. as such, i have a handful of friends, but good friends i consider them to be and that is the way it is for me. it sucks when those so-called good friends apparently do not regard me as such, or actually do not even hold any regard for me at all. for years i've borne the anger, the resentment, the frustration at these 2 friends who abandoned me in times of need. i've asked myself, was it me? what did i do wrong? was i not clear that i need their help? was there a major event in their lives that made them forget me and all the moments that defined our friendship? well, apparently not. they just forgot.

after so many years, out of the blue, he spoke to me again. he doesn't even have a tiny inkling that things are not the same. but i have let it go. the grudge for it was too long and too tiring to continue being angry for an extended time. the friendship for i have accepted that not all friendships are bilateral. no one can turn back the clock of time or undo things that have been done. we learn to move on.

the memories of good times tainted with disdain, regard spoilt by indifference. when i look back and think of the memories, the person that i see in my mind's eye is no longer that who is infront of me. that person in my mind is and will always be my good friend.

monday blues

sometimes, with the right group of people, sitting down for a cup of coffee is therapeutic. actually letting yourself stop and take a break from the madness of the rat race, from the despondence of life, telling yourself that it's ok if life pulls me down, let me rest for a while and i'll be on my feet again, all that re-energise you. i listened to how a friend nearly suffered a depressive breakdown, how life's tough...but in the end we're all tougher. in the end we don't remember the words spoken, but we feel lighter.

red

my first tomato turned red! and ended up in my stomach. not super sweet. i much prefer the process of germinating it from seed, watching it grow taller day by day, turning the pot ever so slightly each day so that all the leaves can catch the rays, fussing over it when it was ill, rather than the end result. often it's the journey that counts.

post-birthday

a friend brought me to s.wine at publika and bought lunch. it was a porky day. 

good food again? good ambiance and good friends. by the 3rd day, i wonder if there is any other better way to celebrate rather than marking it with food. still, for lack of a better idea, one's got to eat - so eat with gusto one shall.

nature's gift to me for my 41st birthday - hyperopia.........long-sightedness *_*

another year

another year older. more regrets. more time wasted. more searching. for what exactly? for my lost soul? for the meaning of life? for the passion that is supposed to grip me so tight that my days will be re-energised and i will jump out of bed everyday? i'm no longer 21. or even 30. what do i want from life? i still don't have the answers. will we be able to find our answer at the end of our days, or will we realise that this is all there is. what do i want? what do i like? what makes me tingle?

i'm a very simple person, with the most basic of needs. i need human interaction. or how should i put it? not just any human interaction. some drains me. i was talking to someone this morning who plainly drained all my energy. simply because her insincerity blankets everything she says or do. she talks, but she doesn't listen. she doesn't even hear. to see the two at action, it's like a battle of the words. one is talking about something and the other something else totally different. and not just simple short sentences at that; each launching into their own long tales, pulling every cell of your body poles apart with the calling of their voices. everybody's talking, no one's listening. what a din you can imagine it is, regardless of the volume of the conversation, if you can call it that.

most days i find myself yearning to reach out to another soul. sadly, there isn't any that will listen with the purest of heart. one with no agenda. one with an open ear and a friendly shoulder. i need inspiration, i need warmth, i need friendship and i need love. not that of a man and a woman but love for everything and everyone. but life is so ugly and human is so ugly. it drains me so.

lifeline

"tell me a joke", she texted.

there was no reply. only deafening silence.

5 hours later came the reply, "are you alright?" as if he knew that something was not quite right.

those 3 words in itself was a balm to the pain, a lifeline to her that was drowning. she doesn't know how much longer she can hang on to her sanity. it gets harder and harder each time to return to status quo.

"better. don't need the joke anymore". who knows that retail therapy really does work, eventhough this time it was more out of necessity rather than indulgence. still something to take the mind out of it is always good, if only for a while. "then again, wouldn't mind having something to laugh about. tell me your best joke when you have the time".

"want to talk about it?"

"nah. just climbed out, don't really want to jump back in".

"whenever you need a shoulder just let me know. though it's going to be a little hard cos i'm in europe now".

"will need a very long neck then. lol. must be feeling better, i'm making my own jokes".

some things you just want to remember. from now until eternity. simply because it's moments like these that make you feel that there is still warmth on earth. was it an automated response to a drowning soul? was it a superficial reply or a sincere concern, the harsh practical voice can't help but nag in a whisper. she can no longer tell which is which. it shouldn't matter, she scolds back angrily. why are you making yourself miserable? take it as it is. the warm voice of a warm friend. it is what you need. in life you see what you want to see, what you need to see.

the sound of a sigh

the sound of her mother's sigh reverberates within me even 24 hours on. in that quiet room where everybody just stood looking at her and stroking her arm, not knowing what to say, the quiet sigh of her mother was deafening. the single sound spoke so much. it spoke of all the unsaid nights that her mother has spent crying by her bedside. it spoke of all the heartbreak, all the broken expectations and vanished hopes. it tells of so much sadness, endurance and fortitude. it gave us a glimpse of her hopelessness, her anguish, her torment. how can anyone of us understand how crushing it is to see your child lying there so helplessly, so powerless, so bleak a future. a cruel inhumane thought flitted past my mind, and i was ashamed of it. but for her family, for her daughter, for her even..........wouldn't it be a better alternative? i do not know which path is less painful but i believe both will be as devastating. to be in a place where either path is as grievious.......how cruel the world can be sometimes.

friendship

a friend i have lost. and sometimes i wonder, is it another that i have found? eventhough we have been friends since primary 5, more than 20 years ago, i don't think of him as more than an acquaintance. if we were to sit down, i doubt we have much to talk about. definitely not that which is closest and deepest in our hearts. such is the distance that has come between us. once we have been very close but i guess as with all friendship, we have to work hard merely to maintain it. life and everything else just got it the way and neither of us bothered.

anyway, when i lost my friend so suddenly, his first reaction was to ask me how i was. i don't know how he knew (that her death will mean so much to me) or was it because he never knew (that she and i never had a chance to be closer). i was hit bad, and it was touching that someone knew. someone asked.

life is weird like that. for the second time in my life, sympathy wasn't forthcoming where you wanted it, where you expected it. someone somewhere, when you were least expecting it, hands you a life line and tells you that you are not alone. is it real or just a mirage in my dire thirst for empathy and warmth, frankly i don't care. even if i'm imagining the sentiment behind it, i'll still continue forth deluding myself......because i need it.

another 365

yet another year. another 365 says without hearing her voice. that familiar sound calling me bitch, in the most endearing way that only she could with a profanity.

time past so fast, but perhaps not so for those closest to her. last year her father gave me hope. i saw in my mind's eye her slowly talking to me and acknowledging my presence the next time i visit. but 365 says later there she still lies, sometimes tensing her limbs and shaking uncontrollably, as if in frustration at being unable to verbally interact with us.

i look at her and i have so much i want to tell her. what exactly? my mind draws a blank. why is it that i have this pressing feeling of having so much to say to her.....but not knowing what is it that i really have to tell? i just know that i miss her so much and i just want to talk to her.

this year isn't the best of years. another close friend has been taken away. perhaps not the closest but still she was a bright star in my life. someone who had brought a smile to my lips many times, someone different from others and someone who had meant something to me. i'm still trying to get use to the vacuum she left behind, to her absence from now and ever after. the only way i've learnt to handle all this sadness in my life is to put it in an air-tight box and hide it in a deep dark corner of my heart, never to take it out, never to look at it. sometimes something will remind me of my loss and like today, the emotion overcomes me and blanket me with sadness. but tomorrow, i will return it back into the box and keep it in that dark corner again and i will be alright again.