whirlpool

what exactly is wrong with me? i think it will take a whole team of scientists and people in white lab coats to dissect and analyse me in order to answer that question. why do i always go back to the place that hurts me the most? why do i bring on things that wipe out the smile on my face and bring the black thunderous clouds in my days? even when the day is sunny and bright and i do not have a care in the world. especially then. the answer i think is that i cannot be left alone. i'm only self-destructive when i'm alone.

a few days back i ran across an obituary of a handsome young man, taken away in his prime three years ago. there was a link to his mother's blog, sharing with readers the sad journey that was his life that he and his family had to endure. his mother is such a wonderful writer that one felt there with them, walking their every heavy step, breathing their every heart-wrenching moments. sigh. if i continue to detail it, i'm only sucking myself into that black vacuum of self-despair. i read his mother's blog from top to bottom and even went on to her next one showing their monthly visits to his 'garden'. and if that was not enough, i kept going back every few days to see if there was any update. it pulls me into this swirling whirlpool of depression and gloom, yet i can't stop myself as if there was an invisible strength beckoning me. why do i insist on torturing myself so? i empathise with them and i feel their sadness and despair, i wish so hard that i can turn back the clock and somehow save this young boy. as if i have such powers! what can i do? i can't help. i should just stay away and close that page. but i can't. it lingers in my brain. especially when i'm alone. sigh. perhaps by leaving this here, i can move on.