in remembrance of...

and the world moves on.

except for the selected few, who will always be stuck in limbo, losing a part of themselves, i cannot imagine.most, myself included, probably followed it closer than a soldier's haircut because it was so mysterious. not to mention the drama, the twists, the hype and all the things that should not have been, which was at the expense of their loved ones.

a young asylum seeker looking to start anew, the world at his feet. his life was taken apart, examined and laid bare for all to see. the co-pilot, the captain, the steward, the son, the groom to be, the best friend, the grandchild, the father, the flight attendant. all their lives and their stories were played like a game of cards to wrench as much tears and heartbreak from the readers in the hope of increasing their readership. he said, she said. facts that were not verified were raced to be published so that they could say they said it first. the oil rig worker who saw the plane go down in flames in south china sea. the woman who saw the plane in the water in the andaman sea. for their 5 minutes of glory, they did more damage than could ever be calculated. everybody wanted a piece of the tragedy for themselves. what i reported. what i know. what i think. what i felt. what i loss. what i wished. when is it about them? the ones that will never ever again have another second to talk, to learn, to ponder, to feel, to value. do you remember them as individuals? do you remember their names, their dreams, the lives they left behind? where is the dignity in death?

millions sighed. thousands cried. hundreds died. a nation was tested, blamed and hopefully, although doubtfully, learnt. everybody have their own theory of what happened. some people point their fingers, others empathised. so many people, so many different voices. the sun goes down. when it rises again, people are starting to forget. the faces, the pain, the lives cut short.

fire away

at 43yo i still have not fired a single person, and i do not seem to have the mental capacity to do so. granted, most people will not have fired anyone at that age either, but given the years that i have people working for me, it is quite a task. perhaps i am just lucky to have found good people, or more likely, i have been hiding behind a more formidable figure. someone who didn't need me to be responsible for many things, someone who will swiftly take up the post of authority and carry the world on his shoulders. behind that person, i have become a shadow.

i have never thought of myself as independent. or mature, for that matter. being the youngest in the family, there were plenty who had volumes to say that my voice was never heard. maybe it was also the side-effect of being a shadow. however, looking back, being sent away since i  was 10, i have subconsciously learnt to do things for myself. i just need the confidence to execute it.

a new employee should be relieved of his service, simply because he was so wrong for the job. i needed someone who could efficiently and effectively carry out his job description. quite simple and straight forward at that. he on the other hand was busy lying, evading duties, roaming out there in the wilderness of the city, planning scheming calculating nobody knows what. when you wanted him, he was not around. when you asked him to do things, it gets done, albeit hours and hours later. when you asked him to come, he sits around chatting. his excuses and stories will put j.k. rowling to shame. he needed to go. however, i keep giving him a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, a 4th chance....so many that i have just lost count. each time i resolute to let him go, a few days later, i will soften and decide that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all. he will however give me new reasons every few days to remind me that he is so wrong for the job. in that he is quite consistent. again i resolute that i need to let him go. another tells me that others are just as bad. i soften. this vicious cycle is driving me half crazy and i am determined that this should be the last time. something so simple, why is my mind making it so difficult for me? how easy will life be if i was born mentally strong and opinionated?  it is too easy for me to empathise, to look at the other side of the coin and understand. i am in the wrong field. i will be a good nurse, a good teacher or even a good vet. heck, that was my childhood dream. a kindergarten teacher. aside from being miss hong kong and a tvb actress, of course. i did not think i will end up here, in board meetings, back stabbings and office politics.

i have never been suited for the corporate world and have always been a soft-hearted one. people like us are not cut out to be good mothers or good bosses. we are definitely not cut out to takeover the world. still, i should learn to believe in myself more, to trust my instinct, to harden myself against the masses wanting to take advantage. it is hard. i lament why the world can't just leave us to be ourselves. i am happy to be me, to be the soft-hearted, peace-loving, everything-is-beautiful me, but in this world, that me probably will not last for long. and in this complicated life that i live, i will not even last for short. we can never live the lives we want. we live the life that we can, to the best that we can.

tas

tas was beautiful. tas as in tasmania, but tas just sounds more intimate, like a close relative or a town where i was born. and before you ask, no i wasn't born there but after one week of exploring the nooks and crevices you feel as if you know it. there was nothing much to do, not so rich in history like europe and not so glamorous like its northern cousins; melbourne and sydney. but why would you want to visit if it was exactly like other cities anyway.

tas was tas. simple, clean, uncluttered and raw. clean blue water that glisten in the sun. skies so blue and clear which reminded me that i have forgotten how it should really look like. fresh air, with no scent of smoke or haze. i can breathe once more. the evening sky was amazing. i have never seen the night sky literally littered with so much stars. the world, nature, has given us so much, and sometimes all we have to do is just take a few more steps and stop to look at it.

we were acutely deficient in the r&r area for some time. december came and went without so much as a break, bodies were rioting against prolonged stress and the brains were slowly shutting down. we needed this tasmanian holiday, as much as their tourism needs us perhaps. (grins) yes, that was a subtle intimation that not many people travel to tasmania, not even tourists. i drove for hours without seeing another car and their 'highway' linking major towns is akin to our kampung roads, with perhaps a tad million more roadkills. however, that was exactly what i wanted, and what i needed. therapy.

the itinerary was planned in so much detail, albeit a little hurriedly because of the towering pile of work on my table whining for my attention, right down to what time we leave where and what time we head to which restaurant for dinner. that was the virgoan side of me in action, but the 43yo me has since learned to chill and incorporate a 'whatever, we are on holiday' leeway to the plans. 3 days before departure, dear hubs invited along his sisters for the trip. we have made the invitation countless times over the past month. come along, it'll be fun. come on, it'll be free. still no one took us up on the offer, saying that timing just wasn't right. well, 3 days before the trip, the timing became right! as you can imagine, logistically it was a nightmare. all accommodations, flight and rental car bookings have been made. it wasn't just adding another 2 more pax, it was a hell more complicated than that.

that was where the story could have gone down 2 roads. many would have chosen to made a big fuss over it, scream at their hubs for last minute invitations, throw not-so-subtle insinuations at in-laws for last minute acceptances and downright refuse to do any alteration to holiday plans. but what is the point of that? who wins with temper tantrums and altercation? our life is filled with so many such choices. the lives we touch are determined by such choices. it's not like asking one to break into alcatraz and smuggle prisoners out. it's just a little more hassle and inconvenience than normal. i had to add rooms to 3 different hotels, to change the 4WD to a mini-van and to cajole the landlady of a 2-bedroom house to add some mattresses on the floor. ok, that last one was a little more frustrating because the landlady was basically an unco-operating bitch  and perhaps unappreciated woman but nothing stops a fire faster than praises and sweet compliments, or so i have learnt. ha! never knew honey puts out fire.

and so, with no acrimony and animosity (we are learning the alphabet 'a' today) to spoil the trip, it was indeed a pleasant one. and i got the r&r that i so badly needed.

echoes of heartbreak

the things that they don't tell you. that your heart will break when your daughter's do. that you can't smile and the day is so gloomy when she is crying in her heart. nobody tells you that motherhood is so tough. it's not enough that you had to go through all the heartbreak, nose stuffed from all the crying into pillows and loneliness the first time round, now you have to live through it all again through your flesh and blood. if only i could hold her close, if only i could tell her that it's ok, that they'll be many more heartbreak to come but in the end she'll find the perfect one. but she never tells me stuffs, so how can i tell her back? thus my heart weighs heavy in my chest. fathers have it so easy, they are forever lost in the world of their own, does he even know?