newton: every action has an equal but opposite reaction

one action that cannot be forgotten. one breath of anger that cannot be diffused. one resentment that leads to a chain of event. ending up in a tale of violence, gory, blood, pain and suffering. one act. one person. one event. many couldn't sleep soundly in their beds that night.

sometimes we cannot imagine the repercussion that our one single action can have. because of that, we do what we think is right, guided by our faith, our belief and our conscience. what do we do when we face the backlash of the fury even from that? that not always good things happen to good people (or perhaps not 100% good people but we are all trying) who took the good and correct path. where do we go from there? do we still continue to be good? because that is the only way we know how to live. but how do we go on if we cannot trust in the decency of others and the goodness that is at the very heart of mankind?

he stole from the company. in so many ways, and at each possible opportunity. he was a crook, no buts about it. two high level employees, who reported directly to the boss, came up with a plan to entrap him and to gather enough evidence. inevitably he was caught and reassigned. it was bound to happen, sooner or later, one way or another. his 'reassignment' was merely an antecedent to his dismissal; a more deferential and sensitive way to remove him from his post, which should have been a much appreciated gesture.

however, it wasn't enough. the two employees were attacked by parang-yielding men several months later; two separate occasions, two weeks apart. coincidence? it will be a far stretch of credibility to believe in if it were so. decent normal men do not go around upsetting triad gang members in their daily lives. it is a farce that one human life could be bought by just five thousand ringgit, that which is considered loose change to some.

it was a scene from "young and dangerous". two men walked up with helmets on their heads and long knives hidden under their jackets, just as he alighted from his car. they walked up casually behind him and started slashing away. at his back. at his hand that was raised to block off the attack. at his leg, which was probably their target. how many thousand ringgit does it costs to buy someone's leg? a heroic guard came out to do what little that he could. if only there was more of him in the world, and less of those who do not think twice about taking others' lives. it was like a scene from the movie. it could very well have been, had there been a director hiding behind the tree, ready to yell out 'cut'. even before bystanders could move their limbs from its frozen stupor, the assailants have walked calmly away.

i drove past that place yesterday. the blood was still fresh on the wall. the people huddled around nervously, getting caught up in their gossip. people alighting from cars looked right and left, back and front with apprehension. others who are unrelated to the characters, who do not even know the alleged conspirator, walked frenziedly to their cars, imagining that the grisly scenario could happen to them.  that night i jolted up from my dream with the sound of my doorbell ringing. i imagined crazed robbers entering for vengeance but above all, i had imagined the door bell ringing. it sounded so real, so real that it pierced through my deep slumber. that night i slept restlessly, and many others joined me in their own houses.

i drove past the place today. the blood has been wiped clean. two additional men now stand guard at the door. people are still huddled around, gossiping nervously. overnight, every man lingering near their motorbikes or around dark staircases are regarded suspiciously. nobody is at peace anymore. some have changed their daily habits, their way of life, to safeguard against the senseless attack.

now one lay wounded in the hospital, grievously hurt but not life-threateningly so. tendons and veins had been severed, months of recuperation and therapy lays ahead. his children is probably thankful that they still have someone to call dad. but he didn't do anything wrong. he did what he thought was right. and this was his repayment.

one action. one person. one vengeance. lives were changed.

yet this may not be the end.

WHAT??? sapp

it started out with a few photos of herself. errrr.....okaaaay. you look lovely, i thought. why you felt you needed to send it to me out of the blue, i have absolutely no inkling of an idea. an aunty (who is in no way related to me. we asians call all our parents' friends aunties and uncles. go figure.) who i very rarely see, sent me photos through this online messaging app. the second day, she sent me several (hundred) photos of my parents and her. ahhhhh, i thought......the first was antecedent to the family photos. sweet. she has incidently sent the same to my mother and probably figured why not just bombard someone else's handphone with hundreds of photos (haha). pretty. the third day she sent me a photo to tell me good morning. hmmmm......running out of photos to share, are we?

followed by a cute baby. awwwwww.......

then it just got weird. she sent me photos of weird looking fruits that look like female body parts...............

and male body parts......!!!!!!!

what even??!!?! isn't it a tad inappropriate? i'm not exactly her best bud. i barely spoke ten sentences to her this year and zilch for three years before that.

apparently online messaging brings out the cheekiness in people.

cinderella's last chapter

on looking through old posts, i realised that i didn't blog about the last chapter of cinderella's story. i did pen it down somewhere, i think, or maybe my cheese-holed brain is deluding me once again. however, all that is not important.

cinderella left us somewhere in the early days of 2013. by the second half of 2012, cindy has forgotten most of us. i talked to her, but i receive no acknowledgement whatsoever. she was past the stage of mistaking me for someone else. way past the stage of calling out my name. way way past the stage when her eyes lit up because she recognised me. her shell was there without a soul. she remembered her eldest daughter though, and that was enough consolation for us all, or was it enough for just me.

towards the end of 2012, she was doing poorly. wasting away because she didn't eat, i was told. laid in bed all day. which was what i didn't understand. i could never understand and hopefully i would never understand. how can they let her not eat? diluted congee, watery porridge, nutritional drink, whatever to give her sustenance. one spoon at a time if it comes to that. at the very least admit her into a hospital. they would have hooked her up to a drip and found out what was wrong. if that was not a red flag, i don't know what is. however, i cannot be quick to judge. i was not there. i only believed those things were not done from what i hear and what see. perhaps there had been more. i hope there had been more. i watched her slip away with my very own eyes.

they wanted her to hang on for her granddaughter's wedding. whether it was to see one of her grand-daughter get married, or whether it was to avoid the how-many-years-cannot-get-married-after-a-funeral i do not profess to know. she was admitted into the hospital during the last few days. the doctor said something of her condition, which i cannot recollect accurately now because i have let it go. something about her colon blocked for too long, and then burst, releasing all the excrement within her body, and subsequently infection within her body. her body, without nourishment, was too weak to function properly. i remember the anger i felt, yet i could not let it show. who am i to get angry when her children are so nonchalant? is there such a thing as living too long and being too old?

she was there for the wedding. she drank the tea. then she went back to the hospital while they continued with part two of the wedding in east malaysia. she died the next day, and they didn't return home until after the wedding.

i can't judge. i am not her child. i felt she wasn't loved and she didn't lived in love. for all her stories and her life long lived, cinderella's story wasn't a happy one. i don't know if it she didn't do enough giving in her lifetime, hence she didn't receive enough or perhaps she did receive love, but it wasn't displayed in the usual way for bystanders like me to see. yet that can't be true, i keep telling myself. she brought them all up, her children, her grandchildren. she spoilt them with a little bit of money when she could. they grew up with her. she was so close to them. but i didn't see them cry. i didn't see them stay in the hospital for hours and hours long. i didn't see them visit her when she was healthier, or when she was sicker. i didn't see them buy things for her. perhaps they did. maybe i just didn't see it.

i adored her, but it wasn't the type of love that made me die a little when she passed. she was never in my life much and i never knew the real her. i loved her the best i could and i was there the best i could. was that how it was with the others? just that the level they could afford to give back was lesser, yet they gave all they could have?

she is six feet underground now. i didn't go back for her one year anniversary, but they all did. i think it hardly matters now since she isn't around to see it or feel it. i don't see the need to show to those surviving. i loved her as much as i could when she was here.

writing this, it is the first time i am crying since her death. i didn't cry when they told me she died. i didn't cry during the funeral. i didn't cry when i saw them lower her into the grave. i never told you, but i miss you. i miss our lunches and dinners. i miss our chats. i miss your visits. i miss hearing your voice.

i wonder if anybody else remembers.

evolution

i like myself more when i was younger.

when i was younger, i remember watching the world with rose-coloured lense. true, i was caught up in my own world, but it was also a much happier place to be. i strived to be the best that i can be; to continuously improve myself and make myself into a better person.

i was considerate of others' feelings, holding my tongue when i know my comments may hurt or discourage. i tried to offer a helping hand whenever i get the chance. i loved and was loved in return - by friends and families. i trusted and believed and was always around to lend a listening ear. i enjoyed and appreciated everything that was given to me; be it materialistic or in the natural surroundings that enveloped us. i worked hard and played hard - pushing myself to fully optimise the time that was given to me. i had dreams, i had goals, i had motivation.

now, i look back sorrowfully and wonder what happened to the young me; the one who was young at heart. the one with all the spirit and fight. living in the adult world, i am constantly surrounded by lies, greed and corruption. whilst i try hard not to be cynical and lose faith in the goodness of mankind, i sense i am fighting a losing battle.

the dark side is slowly luring me to their realm. already i am cynical when people talk to me. all round me, people lie. some to get what they want, others just because they can. what kind of world are we living in when people lie just because they can? who do we trust?

i am afraid of helping because i fear of being exploited. we hear so many stories of people being robbed when they stop to help a stranded motorist. or cheated when we trust strangers. i was once approached by a stranger in a shopping centre for some money to make an outstation phonecall; i choose to believe but i know deep in my heart that this was a ruse.

when a car stops to ask for direction, my first thought would be of wary, and a reminder to myself - to maintain my distance in case they attempt to bundle me into the car. when i see a beggar in the pasar malam, i remember the story of the professional beggar who has a mercedes and bungalow. when i see donation drives by huge corporations, i wonder how much of the money will reach their intended recipient. i am surprised when strangers are friendly and immediately think of their ulterior motives. i maintain my coolness and aloofness to keep my distance. when repairmen come knocking, i cannot leave them unattended or trust them to keep their hands off my belongings.

i procrastinate many things because they do not bring me joy or satisfaction. i am always around, but not in soul.

i don't like the person i have evolved into. and i don't like the society which has made me like this.

ohtoke

last sunday was the first time i have lost my son, in his 10 years of life. just thinking about it brings a very sour feeling to the very core of my being.

i did not even realise when he was missing. the little one has a very bad habit of walking a distance away when he is throwing his tantrum, not wanting to take our hands and shrugging us off to show he is displeased. if we slow down our steps, he will slow down his. we have since learnt to let him be and give him some space, and when he has cooled down everything will return to normal again. last sunday, he was, as usual, angry for some small reason and walked a few steps behind us. we turned our heads every so often to see if he was keeping up. we wandered from shops to shops, window-shopping to pass time. we were looking at some CDs when daughter realised that the little one was not in the shop. i wasn't particularly worried for some reason, believing that he was hiding in some corner and still sulking. however, he was no where to be found. we walked out of the shop to return to the previous one when we saw the little one walking towards us behind a guard and in tears. only on seeing him cry did i realise that he was lost, and had been for some time, only without us being aware of it.

the little one has been walking up and down the row of shops looking for us, not knowing that we have just stepped to the next shop. growing desperate and frightened, he had looked for the security guard to help him find his parents. unfortunately i greeted his tears with severe reprimand. poor little one, shaking with fear, and mother still scolding the daylights out of him, in between hugs and comforting. i had to make him understand that his wilfulness and his stubbornness had finally gotten him in trouble. we have told him time and time again to stay close but he did not want to listen. children. they have to experience it personally before they will heed your advice. woe are the parents who have to see them burn themselves in the process.

looking for mr right

candidate # 1: agreed to commence work but texted at the eleventh hour to say he needs to postpone a few days as sopmeone in the family passed away and he needs to return home. before d-day number 2, he texted to say he can't come back because his wife has the car and he will come back by bus. on d-day number 3, he said he couldn't buy the bus ticket and need another day. on d-day number 4, he called the office, thinking it was another job vacancy in another company, and wanted to apply for the job. suffice to say, that was the end of him. you can glean my amazing patience from those episodes. like i naive fool i believed each excuse, until he called up again. *knocks head on wall to try knock some sense (or wisdom) in this thick skull*

candidate # 2: can't drive. as a driver, that is quite a funny trait to possess. he will run over bumps at high speed with no intention of slowing down, brake at traffic lights and behind stationery cars at a screeching halt even though the light turned red eons ago, veers to the left on highways, returns to the center, and then veers to the left again...constantly. not fast and furious material, and i'm not referring to the biceps or looks department. he was not fired but chose to disappear one day when he realise he can't cope, absconding with the smart tag and touch n go card. sigh.

candidate # 3: ahhhh, our dear candidate # 3 who has worked the longest. • he left the little master stranded on the sidewalk whilst he pretended to be in the toilet, car and person missing in action. the nearest toilet was within view and walking distance but obviously the car was not parked there. • one day when madam called for him, he took one hour to travel the 15 minutes journey. when queried, he said he was involved in a car accident. funny how he and his motorcycle were unharmed. mr snitch said he was lepak-ing and chatting with friends even after he received the call. shaking legs to complete his daily exercise routine, i assume •part of his duty entail taking care of the car. one fine day he submitted a bill for a car wash claim. no time to wash the car, was his story O.o gives me an idea. think the boss will accept my claim to hire a substitute to perform my job while i go for some coffee sips. wait! what IS my job anyway? potential ca-le-fare materials are hard to find :p • when called to send some documents, he took one hour to turn up. apparently, he had went to the neighbouring state for lunch. point was, lunch time came and went dinosaur hours ago. • he has not been confirmed as full time employee but has been nagging for a motorcycle of his own. when an old one has been found temporarily for him, one that was supposed to be sold soon, he insists on sending it to the workshop for repair. three times. change tyre, change black oil, change lamp, change brake. what is the logic in repairing everything with new when you are going to sell it? O.o •

when he sent madam out one day, he wanted to leave upon dropping her off. to refill petrol, he said. when queried why it was so urgent to refill petrol he said he was worried madam will travel very far (eventhough madam has never on any ocassion done that with him driving) it was pointed out that he refills petrol everyday or every other day, why would his petrol even fall so low? he was too flabbergasted to come up with any reply. he was given the instruction to standby at the house after madam returned home as an urgent document was to be sent. obviously he was practising the highly acclaimed ninja art of disappearing. when queried about his evaporation into thin air.......................what do you think he would have said? can you come up with an excuse as good as he did? i seriously doubt so, this dude is professional, man! i tell you, if there was an oscar for excuses, he would take the golden statue! so anyway, back to his reply. he said he was confused with the instruction. as excuses go, this guy deserves a medal.

• he was given specific instruction not to purchase anything besides petrol with the petrol card. so he used the petrol card of another driver to buy some cigarettes for himself.  ingenuity :D • after sending little missie to school, he was suppose to come back and take madam out one day. he arrived one and a half hour later than another who went the same route. tun razak was jammed, he professed. why did you use tun razak? no, no, i used duke highway. i stopped for breakfast. you took the time to stop and eat breakfast? no, no, i bought a bread on the run. i refilled the petrol. sigh. notice any inconsistency? after a few more hits and misses, candidate # 3 left, knowing there was no way under the freaking moon that he will be confirmed as full time staff in this lifetime.

candidate # 4: ok, ok tomorrow i come to work. ok, ok, i know where and what time, went candidate number 4.

he didn't turn up. end of story. short but not very sweet.

                                                                  

i know that finding mr right is an impossible task and many women are disillusioned with the task but i am not looking for price charming nor am i looking for another half to spend the rest of my life with. nerd, geek, young old, tall, short, thin, fat, handsome, ugly, i am open to suggestions. i am just merely looking for a responsible employee who carry out his job conscientiously. apparently that is a fairy tale myth too, along with pumpkin carriages and happily ever after.

all's well that ends well

in a follow-up to my earlier post, my first detonation of fire power was aborted at the very last minute. not because of my saint-like forgiving spirit, which i have in all fairness exercised over and over and over again. each time i wanted to fire him in the midst of every of my frustration, i have cooled down within a day or two, or three, and thought maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe i should give him another chance.....until he struck again. it was a vicious cycle. it also wasn't because he suddenly shaped up and transformed into the model employee of 2014. leopard doesn't change its spots. hmmmm, why that? why not zebra doesn't change its stripes or chicken doesn't change its colour. someone somewhere a very long time ago was very keen on dots and spots. anyway, i digress. our rebellious employee decided to resign, saving all of us more grieve. i don't know whether to celebrate, to let out a sigh of relief or just to shake my head. it is a akin to a girl being jilted by a boy who she is dating but is finding more unattractive by the growing second. it's fine if you break up with him but when he breaks up with you first, there is a certain undeniable nagging tug in your heart. also i kept having second doubts (and infinity doubts after that) whether i was being too harsh on him. all that said, i still feel very blessed that he chose to resign first. he saved me a lot of altercation, frustration, bad feelings and bad karma. in the end, i can peacefully ask for the return of all keys, cards, office assets as well as the $500 loan which i have very much written off in my mind and wish him well for his next job. i can finally let out a sigh of relief and literally feel the weight lift off my shoulder.

all's well that ends well.

that's all it takes

it's raining. the cool breeze gently caressing my face as my fingers run across the keyboard. the refreshing mist and the dark skies bringing out the melancholy in me.

i am happy.

squeak

the cat is still away, and the mouse is out to play again.

today i had a craving for coffee. coffee and a piece of cake. i skyped hubs and told him that i am yearning for it and he told me to go. a very simple word, one syllable at most: go. yet it was something that never crossed my mind. i have been a relatively go-getter kind of person but i don't know how, when and why i have slowly turned into this person who is afraid of change, afraid of stepping slightly out of my routine. even though i wasn't planning to work today, it didn't cross my mind to outright play hooky, to let my hair down and just chill at the nearest coffee place. my subconscious seem to balk at such a suggestion. well, today i scoff at my subconscious.

one idea. one suggestion. one action. and here i am.

apparently it wasn't the caffeine that i needed but the whole package; the soft jazzy music piped softly in the background, the cold air-condition blocking out the humid stuffy temperate air, the thick glass walls intercepting the din of traffic yet providing one with an aloof glimpse of the outside world, the cocoon sheltering for a little while from the craziness of the world, a little bit of 'me' time; to ponder, to unwind, to mull, to breathe a little easier.

p/s: by the time i have finished writing this, edit it, upload the photo, the coffee has turned cold, the air-cond into a winter freeze and my bladder is close to bursting. apparently one will also tire of too much of a good thing. woman! by definition you must be a specie that is impossible to please.

go figure

the cat is away, so the mouse can play....house. i'm cooking dinner these days. as you can tell, i don't do it on a daily basis. my heart is brimming with everlasting gratitude and endless thankfulness for the woman who has made my life easier. but i am doing it these days, and the kids are telling me not to. that i am making them fat. and that they prefer to eat food that they don't like and are unappetising.

used to be love was expressed in the time and care that was spent in the preparation of food. but now all that attentiveness and delicious grub equates into fat thighs, big tummies, early puberty, high blood glucose level and high cholesterol.

so i shall stop treating them so good? go figure.

travelling backwards in time

arggghhhhhh! so the water pipes are going to continue to be closed. i bet that no one is surprised. it just drives me crazy to mull over it. it is not the fact that they think it is okay to disrupt the provision of one of the most basic needs of mankind. it is not the fact that they blame us for misusing the water whilst there are badly-maintained burst pipes shooting high like gleaming fountains everywhere. it is not the fact that they have no plans to build more reservoirs in places that are actually conducive to water collection (rolls eyes). it is not the fact that they turned a basic need into a political tool. it is not the fact that their lackadaisical attempts to actually solve this shortage is non-existent. don't have ah, don't use loh. bravo. bravo. it actually makes you wonder if that is how they run the powers-that-be departments and naturally, the country. which is actually a rhetorical question because the answer is obvious.

it is exasperating, to say the least. obviously it is all of the above, but even more, it is the fact that we are slowly getting used to it. we are once again accepting mediocrity as norm and lowering the bar of standard. just like we did with education. just like we did with corruption and transparency. just like we did with the quality of our manpower. just like we did with public security. just like we did with so many other issues.

que sera sera. we live and let be. because we are one against the world. because our voices cannot be heard. because we are comfortable. in the end, our next generation suffers.