could have been

clench your hand into a fist. now look at the bottom of your fist, the flat side that is along your pinky finger. just after the first three lines (that is the creases on your pinky finger) you will find a set of lines in between the third and 4th crease (which is your line of heart, the one that extends from your palm)

someone once told me that the number of lines show the number of children i will have. i remember that i had three lines when i was younger. i mused that i was going to have three children. however, i have over the years planned for only two and have been very careful to stick to my plan. recently, i looked at my hand again and the middle line has grown lighter and is now two broken lines instead of one continuous one.

i can't help but think that i may have wilfully stopped my third unborn (and even unformed and inexistent) child from coming to this world. somewhere there could have been, should have been, a big-sparkling-eyes, pig-tailed girl with the sweetest of smile waiting to hold my hand and call me mummy. it tugs at my heart so. i felt like i have lost something that i have never owned. 

remember this

yesterday was my last appointment with the eye doctor. it marks the closing of an interesting episode in my life, the turning of page into another chapter. the doc examined my eyesight and bone structure to see if i have completely healed since the surgery. i know i have, because i am not nervous around fast moving objects anymore. i do not cover up apprehensively when others play with balls around me. my body knows and that is how i know. i still have double vision when i look up though. i asked the doc if it will improve with time. the doc laughs. funny doc. love his reply. apparently i won't. it's something that i will have to live with. one decision, one mistake, one second and it changes your life forever. but it's not such a big deal. you just learn to live with it and move on.

i am forever grateful by the kindness that the doctor and nurses have shown me. perhaps i should have done more. i thought of chocolates. of cakes. and then i forgot. and now i regret.

i am grateful that there are still nice people out there. not just for material benefits. not just for something in return. a little gesture. a smile. a kind word. patience. sincerity. recognition. it validates your faith in the goodness of mankind and once in a while you really need to reminded that not everything / everyone in the world is ugly. especially in the world that i live in.

when was the last time you did something selfless for others? i will keep this thought in my heart and always be reminded.