reportedly so

i came back from dinner one night, sans handphone which i have accidentally left behind, to find out that i have some missed phone calls and messages. for 3 hours i was missing and suddenly everybody is looking for me. that's the law of the world. friends that don't even normally contact me for that matter. how are you? went one. like this lah, how about you?, i replied. i texted another missed caller back too, are you looking for me? before anyone replied my message, the missed caller rang and screamed down the line, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!! HOW ARE YOU?! THE NEWS JUST REPORTED THAT YOUR DAD HAS PASSED AWAY!

oh...........my.................god! that took my breath away for a second. and i would have crumbled had i not just came back from dinner with my dad. i am very sure he is still alive. apparently that is the caliber of our journalists and newscaster. verifying the accuracy of information comes second to getting there and reporting it first. it reflects the very essence of what is wrong with our world. people, in their bid to be well-known, to be the first to say it, to be the smart-aleck who knew it first, give little regards to whether the information that they are spouting is true or accurate. who cares if i'm wrong, who will remember anyway. lackadaisical attitudes like these which reflect the typical "see lai housewives" species of which there are no precise translation in english.

different news channel are reporting different versions of who passed away, and as the dead can't stand for themselves and be heard, the rumours continued to be fabricated. it was this guy, no it was that guy. at the end of the night, a few men with the same name, who could still answer their handphone, was left fending phone calls and messages with the confirmation that they are indeed still alive and kicking.

even though it was not my dad, i was left shaking. i felt like i came within a hair's breadth to a catastrophe but was spared in an inconceivable mind-boggling way. like you know how after a misfortune, people will break down and moan for a miracle that will reverse time and change the sequence of events, only i was actually spared and time did reverse and my memory of the alternative sad ending erased. like a page from some stephen king's supernatural fiction.

the next morning, the information got a lot clearer. news sources are finally getting their information correct. they are reporting the correct name and the correct person. in the evening though, there was one news channel that was still obstinately reporting it wrong. it was even showing his photo with the correct name of the deceased. it was disconcerting, to say the least. i can't imagine how he must have felt, seeing his face scroll slowly down the screen. it was surreal. i can't even begin to say how glad i was that i can sleep peacefully that night. i am grateful to all the powers that be out there, atheist or not. and i am grateful to those who got in touch with me, those whose hands trembled on my behalf and who thought dearly of me.

indigestion

how does one keep oneself optimistic? the world is full of weary angry disgruntled hands pulling you down to its abyss. everyone's so angry. so discontented. so negative. sigh. with each passing day it gets harder to break free. finding for the beauty in things, looking at the rainbow after the rain, seeing the silver lining in the dark gloomy clouds, i am not sure i have the energy anymore. it is like a fight each day, pushing away negative thoughts, people who insist on being grumpy and unhappy, no matter how beautiful the day or the horizon.

i don't get hurt by the thoughtless things that strangers do. it's tiring. it's exhausting for sure, but i'm protected by the invisible bubble that is me. i sigh but i also laugh and i also smile, i am contented with the present. but when people close hurl painful jabs, without even a second thought, i try my hardest to understand. only when we hurt that we want to hurt. i try to empathise. but it doesn't stop it from being painful. not even for one second. it doesn't stop it from haunting my memories. i don't know which is worse; nary a thought of consideration before or no compunction after.

 the world will be a beautiful place if only everybody loves and smile a little more. why all the hatred, all the anger, all the discontentment? we are all different, why do we ask that others are the same? we all have reasons for our actions, if we can't understand, perhaps we can empathise?

my heart feels heavy, my stomach uneasy. perhaps it's indigestion. of food or of life?