i think i can, i think i can't

some days i'm facing so much negativity that i find it a struggle to breathe. normal, simple things, met with disapproving clickings of the tongue. imaginative ideas to break free, showered with the cold water of cynicism. everything that possibly could going wrong. growing up, i never realised that i was an optimistic person. i was always apprehensive, afraid of loss and unfamiliar surroundings. perhaps with resistance, the will to persevere grows stronger. the resolution to stay hopeful shines brighter.

but even the little engine that thought he could has his off days. and when the wave of melancholy hits, i sink into my quicksand of depression, pulling and sucking me down into the dark abyss of despondency. i just want to hide in my bed and pull the blanket over my head. i want to pull the curtains and hide from the world. i cannot see tomorrow. i cannot imagine tomorrow. the cold dark sleep doesn't seem so scary anymore.

i wait. until it pass.

lost kitties

it's none of my business. i keep telling myself. don't stick your nose in other people's business.

that's why i don't want to ask. when others tell me that her father doesn't keep in touch with her, or when her husband goes missing in action for several months. there is this part of us that will always be curious, this insane itch to know the gaps in the information, the black holes, but for nothing else than to satisfy our own inquisitiveness. i will not use caring as an excuse for intrusion and bitch-nosy. yeh, i coined that term up because if you are nosy, you are bitchy. some thrives on gossips and savour scandals. if none exist, they add some flavouring and concoct their very own brand of fiction. if i were to have only one principle in life, it will to not be like that.

yet, when i ask her if she has tried the famous restaurant near her place, and she hasn't, i can't help but feel a tugging in my heart. there is no one to bring her around. what does she do in the evening? internet, as will be all teenagers' reply. what does she eat for dinner. she doesn't. she eats a heavy lunch with her grandparents and goes home. at 15, it doesn't feel right to leave her all alone at home. granted a relative is a couple of footsteps away, but in that small place that she calls home, she is all she has. her independence and her maturity makes it alright physically, but even the strongest of adults get lonely. and loneliness eats away at the soul. everyone needs love. companionship. someone to talk to at the end of a very hard day. or a very happy day.

not that her parent is wrong. i am not here to judge. i also believe that everyone have to live their own lives. i am sure it is a temporary arrangement and things will be normalised.

i want to save every poor lonely soul. i am just me; incompetent, incapable and too much on my plate. even i get tired and overwhelmed. as it is, everybody looks for me. i can't continue living my life this way, saving every lost kitty on the road, but i am me, what can i do? i want to visit her every week to have a quick chat with her, even if all she does is lie there with her eyes looking listlessly, but not seeing.

sometimes i close my eyes and wait until the yearning fades, and i turn a blind eye. but the tugging and the pulling is always inside of me, echoing of the loneliness and the pain, telling me i can do more, i should do more. and i try. because i do not want to live with regrets one day. but other days i am overwhelmed, and i carry on.