you know

do you feel wronged because you cannot explain your actions, because your actions are misconstrued as being selfish? because you are not the type to sing your own praises, nor clarify your conducts or tirade about when things aren't fair? because you just silently go about doing the things that you feel should be done and love in the way you know is right. do you feel bad because it is your loved ones and they have never understood nor know you, the real you? and they never cared to. you know that you can't blame them, and you shouldn't blame them because they are getting older. and you know that deep down you were never the most important but that's how life works sometimes. and life goes on.

sanctuary for thoughts

the only time i have nowadays to form a proper string of thoughts is in the car. as a passenger, of course, when there is nothing to do, no distraction but the windmills of my mind . and so i begin the ingrained old habit of conversing in my head. Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel.

the moment i step in through the doors, when i am once again behind my desk and the fingers flying freely around the keyboard instead of the tiny spaces in a handphone, all thoughts dissipate into thin air, all rumination die prematurely in its womb before conception. a thousand things pull at me from all directions, requiring, no demanding my attention. i am a machine without feeling or contemplation, i am a vehicle of action.

there is something soothing about long rides, pacifying greens flashing before my eyes, and i look inwards into my soul instead of out at the view.  i remember wishing that car rides would last forever when i was much younger, riding in the back seat with the comforting sound of my parents chatting in the front. it felt like a protected sanctuary from the world, a pause from the hustle and bustle of life. 

nowadays my kids stuff their ears with their ear buds the moment they step into the car, closing the world around them with the music of their choice. or they doze off when their heads touch the seat. they don't hear what the adults are discussing, they are not interested to know. perhaps they are also hiding from the world for a little while.