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Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
as i stuck the key into the hole, there was a distant melody of a handphone ringing somewhere. someone's in the lift foyer, the thought immediately sprang into my head and just as quickly dissipated into thin air. my brain continued with its idyllic flow of aimless musings, as it usually do in standby mode, whilst i turned and locked the door behind me.
still deep in day-dream, i nearly jumped a mile high when i saw a figure squatting at the far end of the lift foyer. staring directly into the direction of the sun behind her back, i was barely able to make out the face and shape of the person. despite my earlier acknowledgement that there will be someone in the lift foyer, i still couldn't shake out the feeling that this was 'someone' beyond our realm. damn those scary japanese ghost movies and damn ringu! those things are usually portrayed squatting eerily in some dark corners whilst the victim walks unknowingly by. i felt like i was the main character in one of those movies. i could even hear the imaginary suspenseful music building in the background.
squinting, i barely made out a maid in yellow cap, busily punching messages into her handphone and glancing up to look up at me for only a split second. really? you couldn't do your texting, and frightening innocent yellow-bellied people, in some other obscure spots? i stopped believing in ghosts a very long time ago. strictly speaking, i do believe that spirits exist amongst us but i am also convinced that most of the time, they are unable to make contact with us or interfere with our daily lives, unless some special circumstance exist. therefore, i have stopped being afraid of things that go bump in the middle of the night and monsters under the bed for a long time now.
still, i couldn't help but take another glance at the figure by the window one more time as i entered into the lift, and wonder if she was really someone from another world. thank goodness she didn't roll out her foot-long red tongue at me :-p
still deep in day-dream, i nearly jumped a mile high when i saw a figure squatting at the far end of the lift foyer. staring directly into the direction of the sun behind her back, i was barely able to make out the face and shape of the person. despite my earlier acknowledgement that there will be someone in the lift foyer, i still couldn't shake out the feeling that this was 'someone' beyond our realm. damn those scary japanese ghost movies and damn ringu! those things are usually portrayed squatting eerily in some dark corners whilst the victim walks unknowingly by. i felt like i was the main character in one of those movies. i could even hear the imaginary suspenseful music building in the background.
squinting, i barely made out a maid in yellow cap, busily punching messages into her handphone and glancing up to look up at me for only a split second. really? you couldn't do your texting, and frightening innocent yellow-bellied people, in some other obscure spots? i stopped believing in ghosts a very long time ago. strictly speaking, i do believe that spirits exist amongst us but i am also convinced that most of the time, they are unable to make contact with us or interfere with our daily lives, unless some special circumstance exist. therefore, i have stopped being afraid of things that go bump in the middle of the night and monsters under the bed for a long time now.
still, i couldn't help but take another glance at the figure by the window one more time as i entered into the lift, and wonder if she was really someone from another world. thank goodness she didn't roll out her foot-long red tongue at me :-p
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
this is the third time. and the final one. when i heard her story for the third time, she has already left the world. six months from day 1, or did she even had that? someone i never knew the name of. someone i have never seen. but i was so close to grasping her hands and pulling her away from death's door. could i have done more? someone who was a total stranger, someone who doesn't even know i exist. how could i?
life toys with us in such cruel ways. there is no answer to the many hurdles in life, no magic book to show us the future and guide us through the present, no gprs to take us on the correct route. it was a miracle this time round; i had in my hands the answers. if someone was to give you a secret formula, a secret method that has been time-tested and tried out, 80% guaranteed to a path of survival, what rationale would you have to push it away? why would you prefer something else that takes you onto path unknown? what reasons will you have to choose death over hope? i will never ever be able to understand. however, what is the use of asking, of deliberating, of being frustrated? she is no longer here.
the ugly things that we see, the hard shoulders that we rub, the unpleasant experiences that we felt..... the little things that make us grow a little jaded, a little apathetic and make us build our walls a little higher. will i reach my hands out again with such passion? will be as distressed when i hear adversity? will i want so badly to help? i really doubt so.
once in a while, we all need a little angel to inspire us back onto the path of virtue. someone or something that shows us beauty lies still in the world. where do i find mine?
life toys with us in such cruel ways. there is no answer to the many hurdles in life, no magic book to show us the future and guide us through the present, no gprs to take us on the correct route. it was a miracle this time round; i had in my hands the answers. if someone was to give you a secret formula, a secret method that has been time-tested and tried out, 80% guaranteed to a path of survival, what rationale would you have to push it away? why would you prefer something else that takes you onto path unknown? what reasons will you have to choose death over hope? i will never ever be able to understand. however, what is the use of asking, of deliberating, of being frustrated? she is no longer here.
the ugly things that we see, the hard shoulders that we rub, the unpleasant experiences that we felt..... the little things that make us grow a little jaded, a little apathetic and make us build our walls a little higher. will i reach my hands out again with such passion? will be as distressed when i hear adversity? will i want so badly to help? i really doubt so.
once in a while, we all need a little angel to inspire us back onto the path of virtue. someone or something that shows us beauty lies still in the world. where do i find mine?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
knock knock. my heart is going knock-knock-knocking. the doctor says it's alright if you have a structurally sound heart, and apparently without actually seeing it by x-rays or scans, she knows i have a structurally sound one. sorry, did that not come across as sarcastic? well, it was. an ecg and a stethoscope tells her that, and god knows what other superpower she possesses. i assume i have a sound one by the way she sends me on my way and told me that i am alright, if i do not drop dead. ok, fine, i added the drop dead part. she just sent me on my way, without even telling me when i should make a second visit. one hundred eighty dollars for a few minutes of chat and a cold stethescope tapping across my chest and back. damn, i am in the wrong line. should have gone into medical.
frankly, i suspect that doctors know little about hearts skipping beats and doing tap dances in your chest. according to what's written on the world wide web statistically people have been known to live long and healthy if it's benign, despite that particular organ doing breakdances and street dancing every now and then. so my doctor was very certain, and dismissive, when she told me that i'll be alright if it's a benign ectopic heartbeat. IF being the keyword here. if it's benign. if you drop dead suddenly, then what do you know? it's not benign :-p
actually, despite all the talk, i'm not so worried about the drop-dead part. i'm so lazy it's not surprising that my heart will take the easy way out and beat one less time if it can. heck, it'll even skip 10 beats at a time, if i can still breathe and survive. however, it is very very uncomfortable. do you know the feeling when you are frightened out of your wits? when someone / something pops out suddenly from out of nowhere and your heart drops to the bottom of your chest? that's how it feels like, except that it happens every minute or so for a span of maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and then it disappears again, waiting for the next thing to trigger it off again. not a great feeling to have your heart crashing to the floor at supersonic speed and leaving you gasping for air, is it? most distracting and unpleasant.
yet doctors tell you that it's perfectly alright, without so much as the batting of her eyes. i don't know what's alright with my heart not beating every so often. she tells me to come back if it continues. it's continually happening for more than 3 weeks now. how else is it suppose to continue before she examines me beyond that stethoscope? one week, one month, one year, 10 years? she didn't say. doctors. when will they have more empathy for their patients beyond ...it's benign, so live with it.
frankly, i suspect that doctors know little about hearts skipping beats and doing tap dances in your chest. according to what's written on the world wide web statistically people have been known to live long and healthy if it's benign, despite that particular organ doing breakdances and street dancing every now and then. so my doctor was very certain, and dismissive, when she told me that i'll be alright if it's a benign ectopic heartbeat. IF being the keyword here. if it's benign. if you drop dead suddenly, then what do you know? it's not benign :-p
actually, despite all the talk, i'm not so worried about the drop-dead part. i'm so lazy it's not surprising that my heart will take the easy way out and beat one less time if it can. heck, it'll even skip 10 beats at a time, if i can still breathe and survive. however, it is very very uncomfortable. do you know the feeling when you are frightened out of your wits? when someone / something pops out suddenly from out of nowhere and your heart drops to the bottom of your chest? that's how it feels like, except that it happens every minute or so for a span of maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and then it disappears again, waiting for the next thing to trigger it off again. not a great feeling to have your heart crashing to the floor at supersonic speed and leaving you gasping for air, is it? most distracting and unpleasant.
yet doctors tell you that it's perfectly alright, without so much as the batting of her eyes. i don't know what's alright with my heart not beating every so often. she tells me to come back if it continues. it's continually happening for more than 3 weeks now. how else is it suppose to continue before she examines me beyond that stethoscope? one week, one month, one year, 10 years? she didn't say. doctors. when will they have more empathy for their patients beyond ...it's benign, so live with it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
i feel like such a loser. a big failure the size of malaysia's soon-to-come warisan merdeka 100-storey building. less than one month after my tirade and drama-queen post about how i will not bow to the eyes and opinion of the general public about my lame handphone, i went out and got myself a new phone. sigh. i know, i know. such a hypocrite. such a faker. a fraud, a phony. there. i've said it all. now you can't point your wagging fingers at me anymore :-p
i'll like to think that what did me in was still not what others thought of my phone, as i have tiraded a few weeks ago. what really pushed me over the edge, and got me ready to throw my phone of the nearest cliff with angry swirling waves underneath is that it was not working like it was supposed to. forget that it records the lamest pixels of photos, eventhough that is really important to me because i use that feature a lot. it does still record images, blurry and sketchy as it may be. forget that it only allows me to record videos in periods of 1 minute blocks, and that i will have to upload all into the computer and use some fancy software to stitch them together. forget that there is no wifi connection on the phone. hello? you get what you paid for, right? fair's fair.
but when the person standing right next to me managed to get a signal and i didn't, not even if i moved around and waved my arms around like an idiot, not even when i do a backward bend and touch the ground with my head (not that i can actually do that) and not even when i flapped my arms like a chicken trying to fly, i have had enough. add that with 'message storage memory not ready' (in a whiny irritating voice.....mine, not the machine's) when i switch on the phone and try to access the sms service, essentially cutting off my texting services FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES!! i really wanted to open the airplane window and throw the darn thing out. but of course, everybody knows that airplane windows cannot be opened :-p
funny how when you don't like something, you only concentrate on its bad points and forget all about its good side? pretty much like a man and his old wife, sadly. in all fairness to me, i didn't really forget. the reason i stuck with my phone was because i could receive calls all the time, as compared to the smart gadgety ones that were censoring my calls and choosing by its own smart-idioty brain whom i can talk to and whom i can't. when it can't even deliver that, that one saving grace, it's time to chuck it in.
i'll like to think that what did me in was still not what others thought of my phone, as i have tiraded a few weeks ago. what really pushed me over the edge, and got me ready to throw my phone of the nearest cliff with angry swirling waves underneath is that it was not working like it was supposed to. forget that it records the lamest pixels of photos, eventhough that is really important to me because i use that feature a lot. it does still record images, blurry and sketchy as it may be. forget that it only allows me to record videos in periods of 1 minute blocks, and that i will have to upload all into the computer and use some fancy software to stitch them together. forget that there is no wifi connection on the phone. hello? you get what you paid for, right? fair's fair.
but when the person standing right next to me managed to get a signal and i didn't, not even if i moved around and waved my arms around like an idiot, not even when i do a backward bend and touch the ground with my head (not that i can actually do that) and not even when i flapped my arms like a chicken trying to fly, i have had enough. add that with 'message storage memory not ready' (in a whiny irritating voice.....mine, not the machine's) when i switch on the phone and try to access the sms service, essentially cutting off my texting services FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES!! i really wanted to open the airplane window and throw the darn thing out. but of course, everybody knows that airplane windows cannot be opened :-p
funny how when you don't like something, you only concentrate on its bad points and forget all about its good side? pretty much like a man and his old wife, sadly. in all fairness to me, i didn't really forget. the reason i stuck with my phone was because i could receive calls all the time, as compared to the smart gadgety ones that were censoring my calls and choosing by its own smart-idioty brain whom i can talk to and whom i can't. when it can't even deliver that, that one saving grace, it's time to chuck it in.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
sometimes i don't get it. i can still see her name printed in black and white. i can still see her signature in my hands. the ink looks so black and fresh, like it was just signed yesterday. i can just imagine her hunched over her desk signing these, one paper at a time. how can someone that feels so near be gone forever from the face of the earth? how can something that is still so vivid in my hands and mind vaporise from the world, never ever to be heard from or seen again for time eternal? i don't get it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
i'm deliberating on how to start this post, i have been for days, but i've come no closer to an answer. it relates to a phone. my hand phone specifically. it's as rare as a dinosaur bone nowadays. not that it's ancient or belongs to the flintstones era, but it's highly unlikely that you'll see it on anybody's hand, bag or within a 500km radius of any sane people. it probably belongs in the museum, right next to the display of rattling bones.
what's so unusual about it, you may ask? well, even if you didn't, i'm still telling you. it's state-of-the-art, top rate technologycheap simple. yes, the most basic model that the brand carries. couple of hundred dollars at most. it even looks cheap simple. chauffeurs and maids won't even be caught dead with such a phone. which is such an irony to me. at this stage in my life, where i can get any phone in the market without feeling the pinch, and i am resigned to using one that i bought for my little boy a few years ago. heck, even he is using a cool looking red ferrari-shaped one now which goes vroom, vroom when it rings.
so, why haven't i switch over to the latest smartphone with all the gadgety stuffs and really hi-tech applications? this is the precise reason why i am writing this post. not for laying down the reasons, but for the looks and smirks that i have been getting by far. and the number of times that i have to re-tell my stories in order to justify why i am still using something that most people condone as inferior. it's pretty tiring, trying to beat down that little part of me that still cares about public opinions. once in a while, when the resistance is low, i actually get bothered about what people think and i don't want them to have the impression that i am el-cheapo who can't afford to buy a proper phone or her distant cousin, el-dumbo who is a technology-idiot. i actually delve into the long, and more than slightly boring story of how my handphone came about. gasp!! traitor!
most of the time though, i intentionally fish out my phone and place it in a highly visible spot for all to see, and to have them recoil in shock and disgust. and i use it in glee when others are fishing out their gold coloured blackberry-lookalikes and swiping their fingers on smartphones until they develop iphonfingernitis. i admit, one of the many reasons that i am still using my phone and and love it, is to indulge the defiant and rebellious side in me. i love it when all the usual thoughts and impressions leap into other people's mind, but they don't dare to voice it out for fear of sounding rude. they so badly want to know what the heck is wrong with me, but they are not able to satisfy their curiosity. the higher level they are in the hierarchy, the more warped their thinking. i can see it in their eyes, directors, bankers, managers, ceos. i feel a little like a devil. only if discrimination is in their hearts.
every once in a while, mobile phone operators will tempt me with their big colourful ads of smart phones and 'unlimited usage' in the newspaper. every once in a while, i look and wonder. however, when the minute is up, i still prefer my phone, and all it's antiquity. me and my phone. :-)
so, why do i prefer this phone anyway? i don't think that is the point of the story. besides, i don't fancy going through my whole long list of reasons just to satisfy anybody's curiosity yet another time.
what's so unusual about it, you may ask? well, even if you didn't, i'm still telling you. it's state-of-the-art, top rate technology
so, why haven't i switch over to the latest smartphone with all the gadgety stuffs and really hi-tech applications? this is the precise reason why i am writing this post. not for laying down the reasons, but for the looks and smirks that i have been getting by far. and the number of times that i have to re-tell my stories in order to justify why i am still using something that most people condone as inferior. it's pretty tiring, trying to beat down that little part of me that still cares about public opinions. once in a while, when the resistance is low, i actually get bothered about what people think and i don't want them to have the impression that i am el-cheapo who can't afford to buy a proper phone or her distant cousin, el-dumbo who is a technology-idiot. i actually delve into the long, and more than slightly boring story of how my handphone came about. gasp!! traitor!
most of the time though, i intentionally fish out my phone and place it in a highly visible spot for all to see, and to have them recoil in shock and disgust. and i use it in glee when others are fishing out their gold coloured blackberry-lookalikes and swiping their fingers on smartphones until they develop iphonfingernitis. i admit, one of the many reasons that i am still using my phone and and love it, is to indulge the defiant and rebellious side in me. i love it when all the usual thoughts and impressions leap into other people's mind, but they don't dare to voice it out for fear of sounding rude. they so badly want to know what the heck is wrong with me, but they are not able to satisfy their curiosity. the higher level they are in the hierarchy, the more warped their thinking. i can see it in their eyes, directors, bankers, managers, ceos. i feel a little like a devil. only if discrimination is in their hearts.
every once in a while, mobile phone operators will tempt me with their big colourful ads of smart phones and 'unlimited usage' in the newspaper. every once in a while, i look and wonder. however, when the minute is up, i still prefer my phone, and all it's antiquity. me and my phone. :-)
so, why do i prefer this phone anyway? i don't think that is the point of the story. besides, i don't fancy going through my whole long list of reasons just to satisfy anybody's curiosity yet another time.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
an amazing revelation just came to me. none of those heavy holy apocalypse or deity manifestation stuffs. i just realised that mistresses are more often than not ugly. yes, u..g..l..y. say the word mistress and the first thought that will come to your mind is some sex bomb with big boobs, low tops, bodies to die for and drop-dead beauty, forever in their sexy see-through pink negligee and furry pink slippers to match. at least, that is the image that pops immediately into my mind. i don't think yours will be too far away.
however, given recent statistics, mistresses seem to be the other opposite of the spectrum. more often than not, i am shocked, they are even less attractive than the spouse they are competiting against. not convinced? remember camilla against princess diana? really, who would have chosen her against the shy natural charm of our queen of hearts? besides prince charles, obviously of course. i suspect that he has serious short sighted issues, and when he finally saw clearly how she looked like up close in his arms, it was too late to turn back :-p. lol. beauty in the eyes of the beholder.
recently, arnold schwarzenegger announced that he had fathered a child with an ex-employee. did you manage to catch a glimpse of the lady? seriously? against maria shriver? what's wrong with men's vision? i do understand that men think with their appendages and not their brain some of the time but apparently, it affects their vision too. why would you want to cheat on someone you love or once loved with someone uglier? that makes no sense whatsoever. what makes it so irresistable to begin with in the first place? if it is not their beauty or drop dead body, then men must have more depth than we actually gave them credit for in the first place :-p hey, guys, this is actually in your defence. :-p :-p
this actually happens in real life too. i know more than a couple of people whose mistresses look pretty unattractive, and it's not from a woman's point of view. the first thought that comes to mind to anybody who knows is.....what the heck does he even see in her?!?!? thus, a note to ladies. it's not the pretty ones that you have to be careful of. it's more often than not the ordinary drab ones that both you and your spouse let your guard down on. it's also those that men find convenient.
come to think of it, i guess convenience is really an issue here. remember bill clinton? and arnold scwarzenegger. it's someone that's conveniently always hanging around, making opportunities difficult to resist. doesn't matter if it's good or bad, as long as it's convenient, heck chinese even have a saying for it!! i believe men are also an insecure lot. they are not going to aim for those ms universe lookalikes in case they fall flat on their faces and suck lemon in rejection, so that's why it's always the not-very-attractive ones that end up being mistresses.
still, it's pretty hurtful for the ego of spouses spurned. they secretly go in search of the competition and end up horrified. traumatised. this piece of thing??? he is choosing ....*splutters* this face over me?!?!? and then she goes into deep depression wondering what is seriously wrong with her because he rather choose someone so ugly over her, ending up with hours and hours of therapy just to accept that men are blind. this is drama penned by the liberty of the author's pen of course but i've actually heard similar response from a jilted spouse so it's not that far from the truth.
so men, if you want to cheat, at least cheat with a candidate for ms universe, or at the very least, ms world, to save the poor spouse from more heartbreak. not that this is an encouragement or ratification for extra-marital affairs! in the first place, i really don't know how they can bear to break up years and years of love and memories, just for one second of pleasure. all the hours and seconds that you have put into building up that household smashed and broken, your whole world turned topsy-turvy, your reputation, your image flushed down the drain, your wealth and fortune reduced by half. for a piece of someone else's CENSORED. really?
and remember ladies, look out for the ugly ones, not the pretty ones.
however, given recent statistics, mistresses seem to be the other opposite of the spectrum. more often than not, i am shocked, they are even less attractive than the spouse they are competiting against. not convinced? remember camilla against princess diana? really, who would have chosen her against the shy natural charm of our queen of hearts? besides prince charles, obviously of course. i suspect that he has serious short sighted issues, and when he finally saw clearly how she looked like up close in his arms, it was too late to turn back :-p. lol. beauty in the eyes of the beholder.
recently, arnold schwarzenegger announced that he had fathered a child with an ex-employee. did you manage to catch a glimpse of the lady? seriously? against maria shriver? what's wrong with men's vision? i do understand that men think with their appendages and not their brain some of the time but apparently, it affects their vision too. why would you want to cheat on someone you love or once loved with someone uglier? that makes no sense whatsoever. what makes it so irresistable to begin with in the first place? if it is not their beauty or drop dead body, then men must have more depth than we actually gave them credit for in the first place :-p hey, guys, this is actually in your defence. :-p :-p
this actually happens in real life too. i know more than a couple of people whose mistresses look pretty unattractive, and it's not from a woman's point of view. the first thought that comes to mind to anybody who knows is.....what the heck does he even see in her?!?!? thus, a note to ladies. it's not the pretty ones that you have to be careful of. it's more often than not the ordinary drab ones that both you and your spouse let your guard down on. it's also those that men find convenient.
come to think of it, i guess convenience is really an issue here. remember bill clinton? and arnold scwarzenegger. it's someone that's conveniently always hanging around, making opportunities difficult to resist. doesn't matter if it's good or bad, as long as it's convenient, heck chinese even have a saying for it!! i believe men are also an insecure lot. they are not going to aim for those ms universe lookalikes in case they fall flat on their faces and suck lemon in rejection, so that's why it's always the not-very-attractive ones that end up being mistresses.
still, it's pretty hurtful for the ego of spouses spurned. they secretly go in search of the competition and end up horrified. traumatised. this piece of thing??? he is choosing ....*splutters* this face over me?!?!? and then she goes into deep depression wondering what is seriously wrong with her because he rather choose someone so ugly over her, ending up with hours and hours of therapy just to accept that men are blind. this is drama penned by the liberty of the author's pen of course but i've actually heard similar response from a jilted spouse so it's not that far from the truth.
so men, if you want to cheat, at least cheat with a candidate for ms universe, or at the very least, ms world, to save the poor spouse from more heartbreak. not that this is an encouragement or ratification for extra-marital affairs! in the first place, i really don't know how they can bear to break up years and years of love and memories, just for one second of pleasure. all the hours and seconds that you have put into building up that household smashed and broken, your whole world turned topsy-turvy, your reputation, your image flushed down the drain, your wealth and fortune reduced by half. for a piece of someone else's CENSORED. really?
and remember ladies, look out for the ugly ones, not the pretty ones.
Monday, May 16, 2011
would you shave off all your hair in return for a $100,000 donation to charity? that question popped into my head this morning for no apparent reason than to mess with my vegetable state of mind. where do all these questions even come from??!
maybe once, eons ago, when i was young and impulsive, and all gungho about life and saving the world, i could have said yes. but even that is a narcissistic pretense of being all selfless and generous. i was a gawky self-conscious kid who wanted the whole world to like me. i don't believe i would have gone around with a bald dome for a few months to prove that i am all noble and charitable.
now that i'm a 40 year old, seemingly more confident woman, oblivious to the opinions of others, whom i now know are even more insecure than i beyond the layers and layers of pretentious exhibitionism, will i?
you will think that i would at least consider the possibility, since i claim not to care about what the public thinks of me being an extinct and protected bald-headed eagle. life however gets more complicated as you grow older and your thoughts follow in tandem. the first response that comes to mind is, heck i have that money, why do i need to shave off all my hair in order to get more to give it away? i've already got it in my pocket and all i've to do is loosen the purse strings and issue a cheque. which makes me wonder why all the rich wives and spouses of filthily wealthy politicians are so passionate about making appearances in support of fund-raising charities. many famous charities are chaired by people who can drown in their own money, but yet they are trying to raise more funds. is it alright to do charity with other people's money but not their own? i'm sure they are also donating on the side, but really, how much, i do wonder. they manage to raise $100,000....$1,000,000 even, and that is still merely loose change for them. the cynical side of me have no doubt that heading charities are great publicities and feed wonders to the narcissistic ego.
famous people are good for raising public awareness for the charity, the innocent and naive side of me argues. that's why i usually like to throttle her, she pulls me, my mind and my opinions to very different extremes. why do charities need public awareness if one filthy rich person can fund it full-time? public awareness so that other people are aware of the goodness that one is doing? devil-angel-devil-angel. i change sides faster than doctor jeckyl and mr hyde.
the other argument against shaving my crown glory is what becomes of the $100,000. oh, i believe i can come up with a thousand reasons just so that i will not have to concede. my cynicism has reached a point where i am cynical even of my own intentions and actions. not very fun. i know for a fact that the victims of the charities will not receive $100,000 in full. fair enough, given all the operating cost and pockets of greedy people that it has to fill. in the us of a, some charities employ professional fund-raisers and give them as much as 94.3% for their fees. probably why i see so many people from all types of charitable organisations standing around with their stalls in shopping centres with people who don't look very kind and volunteer-like asking you for your money. how can i tell the difference? i think it was the dollar signs shining a little too brightly in their eyes.
what can i say? charity is big business.
so, will i or won't i? definitely not. i don't need to sport a bald shiny head to announce that i am already doing charity and i don't need to let the whole world knows which charities i support, how much and when.
maybe once, eons ago, when i was young and impulsive, and all gungho about life and saving the world, i could have said yes. but even that is a narcissistic pretense of being all selfless and generous. i was a gawky self-conscious kid who wanted the whole world to like me. i don't believe i would have gone around with a bald dome for a few months to prove that i am all noble and charitable.
now that i'm a 40 year old, seemingly more confident woman, oblivious to the opinions of others, whom i now know are even more insecure than i beyond the layers and layers of pretentious exhibitionism, will i?
you will think that i would at least consider the possibility, since i claim not to care about what the public thinks of me being an extinct and protected bald-headed eagle. life however gets more complicated as you grow older and your thoughts follow in tandem. the first response that comes to mind is, heck i have that money, why do i need to shave off all my hair in order to get more to give it away? i've already got it in my pocket and all i've to do is loosen the purse strings and issue a cheque. which makes me wonder why all the rich wives and spouses of filthily wealthy politicians are so passionate about making appearances in support of fund-raising charities. many famous charities are chaired by people who can drown in their own money, but yet they are trying to raise more funds. is it alright to do charity with other people's money but not their own? i'm sure they are also donating on the side, but really, how much, i do wonder. they manage to raise $100,000....$1,000,000 even, and that is still merely loose change for them. the cynical side of me have no doubt that heading charities are great publicities and feed wonders to the narcissistic ego.
famous people are good for raising public awareness for the charity, the innocent and naive side of me argues. that's why i usually like to throttle her, she pulls me, my mind and my opinions to very different extremes. why do charities need public awareness if one filthy rich person can fund it full-time? public awareness so that other people are aware of the goodness that one is doing? devil-angel-devil-angel. i change sides faster than doctor jeckyl and mr hyde.
the other argument against shaving my crown glory is what becomes of the $100,000. oh, i believe i can come up with a thousand reasons just so that i will not have to concede. my cynicism has reached a point where i am cynical even of my own intentions and actions. not very fun. i know for a fact that the victims of the charities will not receive $100,000 in full. fair enough, given all the operating cost and pockets of greedy people that it has to fill. in the us of a, some charities employ professional fund-raisers and give them as much as 94.3% for their fees. probably why i see so many people from all types of charitable organisations standing around with their stalls in shopping centres with people who don't look very kind and volunteer-like asking you for your money. how can i tell the difference? i think it was the dollar signs shining a little too brightly in their eyes.
what can i say? charity is big business.
so, will i or won't i? definitely not. i don't need to sport a bald shiny head to announce that i am already doing charity and i don't need to let the whole world knows which charities i support, how much and when.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
tired of people dissing on others. weary of name callings, back-stabbing and everything so negative. i just came away from a 2-day bread making course and i feel so tired. aside from having loads of completely newborn fresh information crammed into my brain within the span of 18 hours, sometimes with the aid of a foot jammed into my cranial area to further stomp it in, i am weary of interactions with superficial people. our head chef hates every single living thing in the world, by category. perhaps it's the french passion in him and that's how french people are. i read that somewhere.
still, being all optimistic and eternally 'high' seems superbly pretentious and 'dumb-blonde' to me. caught between a rock and a hard place i guess, that's neither here nor there. i don't need to be reminded of how dark the world is, how naturally selfish and bad mankind can be. what i need, is to be reminded once in a while that there is still beauty in the world, that life is still good, that under all the layers of grime and crap, that the underlying core of man is pure.
still, being all optimistic and eternally 'high' seems superbly pretentious and 'dumb-blonde' to me. caught between a rock and a hard place i guess, that's neither here nor there. i don't need to be reminded of how dark the world is, how naturally selfish and bad mankind can be. what i need, is to be reminded once in a while that there is still beauty in the world, that life is still good, that under all the layers of grime and crap, that the underlying core of man is pure.
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