arggghhhhhh! so the water pipes are going to continue to be closed. i bet that no one is surprised. it just drives me crazy to mull over it. it is not the fact that they think it is okay to disrupt the provision of one of the most basic needs of mankind. it is not the fact that they blame us for misusing the water whilst there are badly-maintained burst pipes shooting high like gleaming fountains everywhere. it is not the fact that they have no plans to build more reservoirs in places that are actually conducive to water collection (rolls eyes). it is not the fact that they turned a basic need into a political tool. it is not the fact that their lackadaisical attempts to actually solve this shortage is non-existent. don't have ah, don't use loh. bravo. bravo. it actually makes you wonder if that is how they run the powers-that-be departments and naturally, the country. which is actually a rhetorical question because the answer is obvious.
it is exasperating, to say the least. obviously it is all of the above, but even more, it is the fact that we are slowly getting used to it. we are once again accepting mediocrity as norm and lowering the bar of standard. just like we did with education. just like we did with corruption and transparency. just like we did with the quality of our manpower. just like we did with public security. just like we did with so many other issues.
que sera sera. we live and let be. because we are one against the world. because our voices cannot be heard. because we are comfortable. in the end, our next generation suffers.
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
in remembrance of...
and the world moves on.
except for the selected few, who will always be stuck in limbo, losing a part of themselves, i cannot imagine.most, myself included, probably followed it closer than a soldier's haircut because it was so mysterious. not to mention the drama, the twists, the hype and all the things that should not have been, which was at the expense of their loved ones.
a young asylum seeker looking to start anew, the world at his feet. his life was taken apart, examined and laid bare for all to see. the co-pilot, the captain, the steward, the son, the groom to be, the best friend, the grandchild, the father, the flight attendant. all their lives and their stories were played like a game of cards to wrench as much tears and heartbreak from the readers in the hope of increasing their readership. he said, she said. facts that were not verified were raced to be published so that they could say they said it first. the oil rig worker who saw the plane go down in flames in south china sea. the woman who saw the plane in the water in the andaman sea. for their 5 minutes of glory, they did more damage than could ever be calculated. everybody wanted a piece of the tragedy for themselves. what i reported. what i know. what i think. what i felt. what i loss. what i wished. when is it about them? the ones that will never ever again have another second to talk, to learn, to ponder, to feel, to value. do you remember them as individuals? do you remember their names, their dreams, the lives they left behind? where is the dignity in death?
millions sighed. thousands cried. hundreds died. a nation was tested, blamed and hopefully, although doubtfully, learnt. everybody have their own theory of what happened. some people point their fingers, others empathised. so many people, so many different voices. the sun goes down. when it rises again, people are starting to forget. the faces, the pain, the lives cut short.
except for the selected few, who will always be stuck in limbo, losing a part of themselves, i cannot imagine.most, myself included, probably followed it closer than a soldier's haircut because it was so mysterious. not to mention the drama, the twists, the hype and all the things that should not have been, which was at the expense of their loved ones.
a young asylum seeker looking to start anew, the world at his feet. his life was taken apart, examined and laid bare for all to see. the co-pilot, the captain, the steward, the son, the groom to be, the best friend, the grandchild, the father, the flight attendant. all their lives and their stories were played like a game of cards to wrench as much tears and heartbreak from the readers in the hope of increasing their readership. he said, she said. facts that were not verified were raced to be published so that they could say they said it first. the oil rig worker who saw the plane go down in flames in south china sea. the woman who saw the plane in the water in the andaman sea. for their 5 minutes of glory, they did more damage than could ever be calculated. everybody wanted a piece of the tragedy for themselves. what i reported. what i know. what i think. what i felt. what i loss. what i wished. when is it about them? the ones that will never ever again have another second to talk, to learn, to ponder, to feel, to value. do you remember them as individuals? do you remember their names, their dreams, the lives they left behind? where is the dignity in death?
millions sighed. thousands cried. hundreds died. a nation was tested, blamed and hopefully, although doubtfully, learnt. everybody have their own theory of what happened. some people point their fingers, others empathised. so many people, so many different voices. the sun goes down. when it rises again, people are starting to forget. the faces, the pain, the lives cut short.
Friday, March 21, 2014
fire away
at 43yo i still have not fired a single person, and i do not seem to have the mental capacity to do so. granted, most people will not have fired anyone at that age either, but given the years that i have people working for me, it is quite a task. perhaps i am just lucky to have found good people, or more likely, i have been hiding behind a more formidable figure. someone who didn't need me to be responsible for many things, someone who will swiftly take up the post of authority and carry the world on his shoulders. behind that person, i have become a shadow.
i have never thought of myself as independent. or mature, for that matter. being the youngest in the family, there were plenty who had volumes to say that my voice was never heard. maybe it was also the side-effect of being a shadow. however, looking back, being sent away since i was 10, i have subconsciously learnt to do things for myself. i just need the confidence to execute it.
a new employee should be relieved of his service, simply because he was so wrong for the job. i needed someone who could efficiently and effectively carry out his job description. quite simple and straight forward at that. he on the other hand was busy lying, evading duties, roaming out there in the wilderness of the city, planning scheming calculating nobody knows what. when you wanted him, he was not around. when you asked him to do things, it gets done, albeit hours and hours later. when you asked him to come, he sits around chatting. his excuses and stories will put j.k. rowling to shame. he needed to go. however, i keep giving him a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, a 4th chance....so many that i have just lost count. each time i resolute to let him go, a few days later, i will soften and decide that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all. he will however give me new reasons every few days to remind me that he is so wrong for the job. in that he is quite consistent. again i resolute that i need to let him go. another tells me that others are just as bad. i soften. this vicious cycle is driving me half crazy and i am determined that this should be the last time. something so simple, why is my mind making it so difficult for me? how easy will life be if i was born mentally strong and opinionated? it is too easy for me to empathise, to look at the other side of the coin and understand. i am in the wrong field. i will be a good nurse, a good teacher or even a good vet. heck, that was my childhood dream. a kindergarten teacher. aside from being miss hong kong and a tvb actress, of course. i did not think i will end up here, in board meetings, back stabbings and office politics.
i have never been suited for the corporate world and have always been a soft-hearted one. people like us are not cut out to be good mothers or good bosses. we are definitely not cut out to takeover the world. still, i should learn to believe in myself more, to trust my instinct, to harden myself against the masses wanting to take advantage. it is hard. i lament why the world can't just leave us to be ourselves. i am happy to be me, to be the soft-hearted, peace-loving, everything-is-beautiful me, but in this world, that me probably will not last for long. and in this complicated life that i live, i will not even last for short. we can never live the lives we want. we live the life that we can, to the best that we can.
i have never thought of myself as independent. or mature, for that matter. being the youngest in the family, there were plenty who had volumes to say that my voice was never heard. maybe it was also the side-effect of being a shadow. however, looking back, being sent away since i was 10, i have subconsciously learnt to do things for myself. i just need the confidence to execute it.
a new employee should be relieved of his service, simply because he was so wrong for the job. i needed someone who could efficiently and effectively carry out his job description. quite simple and straight forward at that. he on the other hand was busy lying, evading duties, roaming out there in the wilderness of the city, planning scheming calculating nobody knows what. when you wanted him, he was not around. when you asked him to do things, it gets done, albeit hours and hours later. when you asked him to come, he sits around chatting. his excuses and stories will put j.k. rowling to shame. he needed to go. however, i keep giving him a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, a 4th chance....so many that i have just lost count. each time i resolute to let him go, a few days later, i will soften and decide that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all. he will however give me new reasons every few days to remind me that he is so wrong for the job. in that he is quite consistent. again i resolute that i need to let him go. another tells me that others are just as bad. i soften. this vicious cycle is driving me half crazy and i am determined that this should be the last time. something so simple, why is my mind making it so difficult for me? how easy will life be if i was born mentally strong and opinionated? it is too easy for me to empathise, to look at the other side of the coin and understand. i am in the wrong field. i will be a good nurse, a good teacher or even a good vet. heck, that was my childhood dream. a kindergarten teacher. aside from being miss hong kong and a tvb actress, of course. i did not think i will end up here, in board meetings, back stabbings and office politics.
i have never been suited for the corporate world and have always been a soft-hearted one. people like us are not cut out to be good mothers or good bosses. we are definitely not cut out to takeover the world. still, i should learn to believe in myself more, to trust my instinct, to harden myself against the masses wanting to take advantage. it is hard. i lament why the world can't just leave us to be ourselves. i am happy to be me, to be the soft-hearted, peace-loving, everything-is-beautiful me, but in this world, that me probably will not last for long. and in this complicated life that i live, i will not even last for short. we can never live the lives we want. we live the life that we can, to the best that we can.
Friday, March 14, 2014
tas
tas was beautiful. tas as in tasmania, but tas just sounds more intimate, like a close relative or a town where i was born. and before you ask, no i wasn't born there but after one week of exploring the nooks and crevices you feel as if you know it. there was nothing much to do, not so rich in history like europe and not so glamorous like its northern cousins; melbourne and sydney. but why would you want to visit if it was exactly like other cities anyway.
tas was tas. simple, clean, uncluttered and raw. clean blue water that glisten in the sun. skies so blue and clear which reminded me that i have forgotten how it should really look like. fresh air, with no scent of smoke or haze. i can breathe once more. the evening sky was amazing. i have never seen the night sky literally littered with so much stars. the world, nature, has given us so much, and sometimes all we have to do is just take a few more steps and stop to look at it.
we were acutely deficient in the r&r area for some time. december came and went without so much as a break, bodies were rioting against prolonged stress and the brains were slowly shutting down. we needed this tasmanian holiday, as much as their tourism needs us perhaps. (grins) yes, that was a subtle intimation that not many people travel to tasmania, not even tourists. i drove for hours without seeing another car and their 'highway' linking major towns is akin to our kampung roads, with perhaps a tad million more roadkills. however, that was exactly what i wanted, and what i needed. therapy.
the itinerary was planned in so much detail, albeit a little hurriedly because of the towering pile of work on my table whining for my attention, right down to what time we leave where and what time we head to which restaurant for dinner. that was the virgoan side of me in action, but the 43yo me has since learned to chill and incorporate a 'whatever, we are on holiday' leeway to the plans. 3 days before departure, dear hubs invited along his sisters for the trip. we have made the invitation countless times over the past month. come along, it'll be fun. come on, it'll be free. still no one took us up on the offer, saying that timing just wasn't right. well, 3 days before the trip, the timing became right! as you can imagine, logistically it was a nightmare. all accommodations, flight and rental car bookings have been made. it wasn't just adding another 2 more pax, it was a hell more complicated than that.
that was where the story could have gone down 2 roads. many would have chosen to made a big fuss over it, scream at their hubs for last minute invitations, throw not-so-subtle insinuations at in-laws for last minute acceptances and downright refuse to do any alteration to holiday plans. but what is the point of that? who wins with temper tantrums and altercation? our life is filled with so many such choices. the lives we touch are determined by such choices. it's not like asking one to break into alcatraz and smuggle prisoners out. it's just a little more hassle and inconvenience than normal. i had to add rooms to 3 different hotels, to change the 4WD to a mini-van and to cajole the landlady of a 2-bedroom house to add some mattresses on the floor. ok, that last one was a little more frustrating because the landlady was basically an unco-operating bitch and perhaps unappreciated woman but nothing stops a fire faster than praises and sweet compliments, or so i have learnt. ha! never knew honey puts out fire.
and so, with no acrimony and animosity (we are learning the alphabet 'a' today) to spoil the trip, it was indeed a pleasant one. and i got the r&r that i so badly needed.
tas was tas. simple, clean, uncluttered and raw. clean blue water that glisten in the sun. skies so blue and clear which reminded me that i have forgotten how it should really look like. fresh air, with no scent of smoke or haze. i can breathe once more. the evening sky was amazing. i have never seen the night sky literally littered with so much stars. the world, nature, has given us so much, and sometimes all we have to do is just take a few more steps and stop to look at it.
we were acutely deficient in the r&r area for some time. december came and went without so much as a break, bodies were rioting against prolonged stress and the brains were slowly shutting down. we needed this tasmanian holiday, as much as their tourism needs us perhaps. (grins) yes, that was a subtle intimation that not many people travel to tasmania, not even tourists. i drove for hours without seeing another car and their 'highway' linking major towns is akin to our kampung roads, with perhaps a tad million more roadkills. however, that was exactly what i wanted, and what i needed. therapy.
and so, with no acrimony and animosity (we are learning the alphabet 'a' today) to spoil the trip, it was indeed a pleasant one. and i got the r&r that i so badly needed.
Monday, March 03, 2014
echoes of heartbreak
the things that they don't tell you. that your heart will break when your daughter's do. that you can't smile and the day is so gloomy when she is crying in her heart. nobody tells you that motherhood is so tough. it's not enough that you had to go through all the heartbreak, nose stuffed from all the crying into pillows and loneliness the first time round, now you have to live through it all again through your flesh and blood. if only i could hold her close, if only i could tell her that it's ok, that they'll be many more heartbreak to come but in the end she'll find the perfect one. but she never tells me stuffs, so how can i tell her back? thus my heart weighs heavy in my chest. fathers have it so easy, they are forever lost in the world of their own, does he even know?
Monday, February 17, 2014
valentine this year
ahhhh....you know you're old when..........
.................it doesn't matter if your other half does nothing for valentine's day. in fact you tell him why bother. you don't like the idea of wasting a king's ransom on something that will wilt within a day or two, nor do you fancy another piece of expensive jewellery. it's not like you will wear it around town, shoving it into people's faces. you will not even bother to go out for a romantic dinner if it was not for the fact that valentine's day this year fell on the same day as chap goh mei. seeing other couples with heart-shaped balloons and roses does not bring your down and you are not the least bit envious. if anything, you are happy that young love exists and feel good on their behalf.
but that does not mean that i do not believe in valentine. it may be a day when things are over-priced and everything is commercialised but it is and should be a day when you are reminded to rejoice your love for one another. valentine day doesn't have to be about hundreds of dollars worth of roses, thousand dollars worth of jewelleries or romantic candle night dinners. it can be a slow stroll near your house. it can be home cooked meals, it can be two glasses of wine over some slow songs. what represents valentine is the love and the effort which remind the special someone that he or she is still the most important person in your life. that is all the a woman wants, really. to be loved. if you love someone, every day can be a valentine, not only february 14th: some men will say. true, but unfortunately those who say that are those who do not celebrate their love any other day either. if not on february 14th, normally not on other days either.
i am a hopeless romantic at heart. always was, always am and always will be. but i no longer require my other half to be pained in trying to live up to that. i am grateful that i have him, that we have this life and love together, and whatever i do not have, i think of it as exchange for so much that i already have.
.................it doesn't matter if your other half does nothing for valentine's day. in fact you tell him why bother. you don't like the idea of wasting a king's ransom on something that will wilt within a day or two, nor do you fancy another piece of expensive jewellery. it's not like you will wear it around town, shoving it into people's faces. you will not even bother to go out for a romantic dinner if it was not for the fact that valentine's day this year fell on the same day as chap goh mei. seeing other couples with heart-shaped balloons and roses does not bring your down and you are not the least bit envious. if anything, you are happy that young love exists and feel good on their behalf.
but that does not mean that i do not believe in valentine. it may be a day when things are over-priced and everything is commercialised but it is and should be a day when you are reminded to rejoice your love for one another. valentine day doesn't have to be about hundreds of dollars worth of roses, thousand dollars worth of jewelleries or romantic candle night dinners. it can be a slow stroll near your house. it can be home cooked meals, it can be two glasses of wine over some slow songs. what represents valentine is the love and the effort which remind the special someone that he or she is still the most important person in your life. that is all the a woman wants, really. to be loved. if you love someone, every day can be a valentine, not only february 14th: some men will say. true, but unfortunately those who say that are those who do not celebrate their love any other day either. if not on february 14th, normally not on other days either.
i am a hopeless romantic at heart. always was, always am and always will be. but i no longer require my other half to be pained in trying to live up to that. i am grateful that i have him, that we have this life and love together, and whatever i do not have, i think of it as exchange for so much that i already have.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
look who's back
i'm back (waving to imaginary fans). after the longest hiatus, I am finally back. you can throw a celebration party, you can scream and shout with glee at the highest mountain, you can turn cartwheels, (you being my imaginary and non-existent readers) it's ok with me. i have come to realise that i need this. this may not need me but i need the verbal diarrhoea, i need to learn about myself as i write it down, i need to remember, i need to let it out. and with virtually no fan base, no readers and no one to judge, i am pretty free to be me. yippee!
life has become a routine without writing about it. i do not reflect about it, i do not observe the interesting in the hope of finding something amusing to write, i do not live it. i just go through it day in day out doing the same things everyday, except for the days when things get so hectic but that is a tale for another day. in short, i have switched off my brain. which is such a waste, since it was so witty and funny. hahaha. joke, joke, that was a joke. sheesh.
i have tried to write elsewhere....on a paper, in another blog, in mobile phone. none of it works as well as my old haven. things have changed some what. i am embarking once again to find the real me and to get to know the real me better. in this big world with a population of 7 billion people, there is no one, not a single person, who sincerely wants to do that. it sounds a little pathetic to be sure. but when you think about it, why would i need another person to want to know about me. in our lives, people come and go. best friends stay and leave. the only constant is ourselves - me. the only person who will always be with me is me. so, the only person that should know me the best is me. it is not bigot talk, it is just being cynical, being realist and being self-independent. besides, understanding is a 2-way thing and i have too many secrets to keep.
my children have grown. somewhere along the way i think i have failed at being a wonderful mother and settled for being mediocre. teenage children....when motherhood is at the hardest. i have hid and cried when my son brushes me off and warms up to his friends, i have teared when i realise my daughter no longer needs me like when she was little, i have felt sad when i realise they no longer want me around and want more space. i have tried to be there for them and yet leave them alone. i have sobbed when i knew i was not appreciated, nor acknowledged. but that is all part of motherhood, and i take it all as part and parcel.
so, let's take this journey together from here onwards, just you and me.
life has become a routine without writing about it. i do not reflect about it, i do not observe the interesting in the hope of finding something amusing to write, i do not live it. i just go through it day in day out doing the same things everyday, except for the days when things get so hectic but that is a tale for another day. in short, i have switched off my brain. which is such a waste, since it was so witty and funny. hahaha. joke, joke, that was a joke. sheesh.
i have tried to write elsewhere....on a paper, in another blog, in mobile phone. none of it works as well as my old haven. things have changed some what. i am embarking once again to find the real me and to get to know the real me better. in this big world with a population of 7 billion people, there is no one, not a single person, who sincerely wants to do that. it sounds a little pathetic to be sure. but when you think about it, why would i need another person to want to know about me. in our lives, people come and go. best friends stay and leave. the only constant is ourselves - me. the only person who will always be with me is me. so, the only person that should know me the best is me. it is not bigot talk, it is just being cynical, being realist and being self-independent. besides, understanding is a 2-way thing and i have too many secrets to keep.
my children have grown. somewhere along the way i think i have failed at being a wonderful mother and settled for being mediocre. teenage children....when motherhood is at the hardest. i have hid and cried when my son brushes me off and warms up to his friends, i have teared when i realise my daughter no longer needs me like when she was little, i have felt sad when i realise they no longer want me around and want more space. i have tried to be there for them and yet leave them alone. i have sobbed when i knew i was not appreciated, nor acknowledged. but that is all part of motherhood, and i take it all as part and parcel.
so, let's take this journey together from here onwards, just you and me.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
an ear to hear
sometimes i wonder, is there some inherent fault within me? am i someone that leaves a poor taste in the mouth of others? maybe at times insincerity leaks through and others are painfully aware of the high walls that i put up. not insincere, i don't think, but cold most certainly; guarded and perhaps protected. i do not reveal my innermost feelings, or opinions, to say the least. why should i? most people are not interested in what i really think or do, they are only interested in the reflection of their mind and action. i am no longer twelve or twenty-one, i cannot afford to speak my mind and act like a rash teenager. life has consequences. but surely, being amiable and pleasant is not displeasing?
i promised an elderly woman two weeks ago to accompany her for an errand. i told her from the very start that i could only make it 2 weeks later, when there is a comfortable lapse in my schedule. 2 weeks down the line, i texted her early in the morning to fix the date for tomorrow. she called me in the afternoon, to say that she was already on the way to run the errand. it left me with a very funny feeling. did i do something wrong? or am i thinking too much? if 2 weeks was too long a time to wait, she wouldn't have waited until that very day to go. if she didn't want my company, she wouldn't have responded so warmly to my suggestion that i accompany her. yet, she chose not to reply to my message until she is finally on her way.
another friend was moving back to her hometown, after staying in the city for more than 15 years. i asked her to give me a call before she moves back, thinking that we can have a last farewell dinner before she leaves. one day i suggested having dinner, in anticipation of her upcoming birthday. she texted back to say that she was leaving the next day. again i was left crestfallen. she's leaving without informing me at all, and not giving me any time to say my last goodbyes. did she not want to see me one last time? has our friendship turned unpleasant without my realising? exactly what am i doing wrong again and again that people are turning away from me? someone please tell me!!
i just don't understand it. at times like this, i miss having a best friend, a sister, someone to open up my heart and analyse the situation for me. someone to tell me what i did wrong and to see it all from a bystander's viewpoint. perhaps it is because i never had such a person in my life that over time, i find i cannot open up to any single soul and can only voice out my true feelings in black and white. someplace hidden, so that others can not see. it has been a lonely journey, but life such as it is, goes on.
i promised an elderly woman two weeks ago to accompany her for an errand. i told her from the very start that i could only make it 2 weeks later, when there is a comfortable lapse in my schedule. 2 weeks down the line, i texted her early in the morning to fix the date for tomorrow. she called me in the afternoon, to say that she was already on the way to run the errand. it left me with a very funny feeling. did i do something wrong? or am i thinking too much? if 2 weeks was too long a time to wait, she wouldn't have waited until that very day to go. if she didn't want my company, she wouldn't have responded so warmly to my suggestion that i accompany her. yet, she chose not to reply to my message until she is finally on her way.
another friend was moving back to her hometown, after staying in the city for more than 15 years. i asked her to give me a call before she moves back, thinking that we can have a last farewell dinner before she leaves. one day i suggested having dinner, in anticipation of her upcoming birthday. she texted back to say that she was leaving the next day. again i was left crestfallen. she's leaving without informing me at all, and not giving me any time to say my last goodbyes. did she not want to see me one last time? has our friendship turned unpleasant without my realising? exactly what am i doing wrong again and again that people are turning away from me? someone please tell me!!
i just don't understand it. at times like this, i miss having a best friend, a sister, someone to open up my heart and analyse the situation for me. someone to tell me what i did wrong and to see it all from a bystander's viewpoint. perhaps it is because i never had such a person in my life that over time, i find i cannot open up to any single soul and can only voice out my true feelings in black and white. someplace hidden, so that others can not see. it has been a lonely journey, but life such as it is, goes on.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
all that is out there
pray tell, what is this world turning into?
i received a phone call early this morning from a lady, who purportedly represents a bank. told me i have won their grand prize. for a contest i did not enter. people close to me will know that this is not the first time i have received such a call; the first was met with much cynicism and wariness but turned out to be the real mccoy after all. this second, or actually fifth such call, was also met with a certain degree of cynicism, albeit much less. yes, i do seem to have a knack for winning lucky draws, and most usually without any conscious effort on my part to enter into such contest. have i grown to be too trusting for my own good, the thought did cross my mind. she sounded as genuine as the previous callers. she didn't prompt me for any information, nor ask for payment of any handling charges. i was almost tempted to believe her. then she informed me of the venue for the prize giving ceremony.
it was in a fast-food chain in the busiest part of the city, very complicated district, abundant with the darker side of society. to go or not to go. the reward? few hundred dollars. will i be walking straight into a scam. is the money, or rather the greed of the money, worth it? there have been just too many such scams going around.
i called someone i knew at the bank. even she was wary. banks don't hold prize giving ceremony at fast-food chains. no, they don't. she promised me she will check., my man told me not to go. the money is not worth the risk. but i still believe that it is the real deal. admitedly they are shaking my stand a little.
i was suppose to reply to the lady by the same day on whether i will attend the ceremony. she called me close to the end of the day. i looked at the caller id. impulsively i answered the phone. halfway through introducing herself, i chickened out and hung up on her. she called back. i ignored it. she called again. and again. her persistence is frightening me. i called my banker friend. she was indisposed. how?
the lady called again. mustering my courage, i answered the phone. she repeated what she has told me this morning. will i be attending? i asked if i can send a representative to pick up the prize. she said oh no, of course not. my heart was crestfallen. this is indeed a con-job. she continued by telling me that she will send the prize to my nearest branch, where i can pick it up from the officers there. huh? it's a genuine case then? i can't decide whether i was relieved or sad. relieved that i was not a targeted victim of a scam. sad because i am becoming too cynical, and so is the people around me. winning unexpected gains from heaven up above should be a happy thing, not something that is met with wariness, cynicism, worriness, doubt and deliberation. at which point do i shout 'whopee' and go delirious with joy?
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
gullible
i am reminded over and over again how gullible i am. how trusting and how stupid. in a world of evil, it's a dangerous trait. in a world of betrayal, dishonesty and ulterior motives, it spells pain and sadness.
i believe when i shouldn't. i am sincere when i have no idea whether others are. i hold out my hand when i don't know if it's a friend or an enemy.
brain-washing
When People Walk Away From You, Let Them Go
Your Destiny Is Never Tied To Anyone Who Leaves You
It Doesn't Mean They Are Bad People
It Just Means That Their Part In Your Story Is Over!
someone sent me some thought provoking sayings, the most glaring of which is the above. it's a lesson that i have not been able to practice, much as i try to convince myself that it is so. being cast aside still hurts, no matter how much i cover up the wound. being forsaken feels so personal, like it must be a very serious flaw within me. but as i read the words, if it's also true to others so that they came up with the words of wisdom, then it can't be just me. it can't be my fault. i wonder how many times i have to re-read this so that my brain will accept it.
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