ohtoke

last sunday was the first time i have lost my son, in his 10 years of life. just thinking about it brings a very sour feeling to the very core of my being.

i did not even realise when he was missing. the little one has a very bad habit of walking a distance away when he is throwing his tantrum, not wanting to take our hands and shrugging us off to show he is displeased. if we slow down our steps, he will slow down his. we have since learnt to let him be and give him some space, and when he has cooled down everything will return to normal again. last sunday, he was, as usual, angry for some small reason and walked a few steps behind us. we turned our heads every so often to see if he was keeping up. we wandered from shops to shops, window-shopping to pass time. we were looking at some CDs when daughter realised that the little one was not in the shop. i wasn't particularly worried for some reason, believing that he was hiding in some corner and still sulking. however, he was no where to be found. we walked out of the shop to return to the previous one when we saw the little one walking towards us behind a guard and in tears. only on seeing him cry did i realise that he was lost, and had been for some time, only without us being aware of it.

the little one has been walking up and down the row of shops looking for us, not knowing that we have just stepped to the next shop. growing desperate and frightened, he had looked for the security guard to help him find his parents. unfortunately i greeted his tears with severe reprimand. poor little one, shaking with fear, and mother still scolding the daylights out of him, in between hugs and comforting. i had to make him understand that his wilfulness and his stubbornness had finally gotten him in trouble. we have told him time and time again to stay close but he did not want to listen. children. they have to experience it personally before they will heed your advice. woe are the parents who have to see them burn themselves in the process.

looking for mr right

candidate # 1: agreed to commence work but texted at the eleventh hour to say he needs to postpone a few days as sopmeone in the family passed away and he needs to return home. before d-day number 2, he texted to say he can't come back because his wife has the car and he will come back by bus. on d-day number 3, he said he couldn't buy the bus ticket and need another day. on d-day number 4, he called the office, thinking it was another job vacancy in another company, and wanted to apply for the job. suffice to say, that was the end of him. you can glean my amazing patience from those episodes. like i naive fool i believed each excuse, until he called up again. *knocks head on wall to try knock some sense (or wisdom) in this thick skull*

candidate # 2: can't drive. as a driver, that is quite a funny trait to possess. he will run over bumps at high speed with no intention of slowing down, brake at traffic lights and behind stationery cars at a screeching halt even though the light turned red eons ago, veers to the left on highways, returns to the center, and then veers to the left again...constantly. not fast and furious material, and i'm not referring to the biceps or looks department. he was not fired but chose to disappear one day when he realise he can't cope, absconding with the smart tag and touch n go card. sigh.

candidate # 3: ahhhh, our dear candidate # 3 who has worked the longest. • he left the little master stranded on the sidewalk whilst he pretended to be in the toilet, car and person missing in action. the nearest toilet was within view and walking distance but obviously the car was not parked there. • one day when madam called for him, he took one hour to travel the 15 minutes journey. when queried, he said he was involved in a car accident. funny how he and his motorcycle were unharmed. mr snitch said he was lepak-ing and chatting with friends even after he received the call. shaking legs to complete his daily exercise routine, i assume •part of his duty entail taking care of the car. one fine day he submitted a bill for a car wash claim. no time to wash the car, was his story O.o gives me an idea. think the boss will accept my claim to hire a substitute to perform my job while i go for some coffee sips. wait! what IS my job anyway? potential ca-le-fare materials are hard to find :p • when called to send some documents, he took one hour to turn up. apparently, he had went to the neighbouring state for lunch. point was, lunch time came and went dinosaur hours ago. • he has not been confirmed as full time employee but has been nagging for a motorcycle of his own. when an old one has been found temporarily for him, one that was supposed to be sold soon, he insists on sending it to the workshop for repair. three times. change tyre, change black oil, change lamp, change brake. what is the logic in repairing everything with new when you are going to sell it? O.o •

when he sent madam out one day, he wanted to leave upon dropping her off. to refill petrol, he said. when queried why it was so urgent to refill petrol he said he was worried madam will travel very far (eventhough madam has never on any ocassion done that with him driving) it was pointed out that he refills petrol everyday or every other day, why would his petrol even fall so low? he was too flabbergasted to come up with any reply. he was given the instruction to standby at the house after madam returned home as an urgent document was to be sent. obviously he was practising the highly acclaimed ninja art of disappearing. when queried about his evaporation into thin air.......................what do you think he would have said? can you come up with an excuse as good as he did? i seriously doubt so, this dude is professional, man! i tell you, if there was an oscar for excuses, he would take the golden statue! so anyway, back to his reply. he said he was confused with the instruction. as excuses go, this guy deserves a medal.

• he was given specific instruction not to purchase anything besides petrol with the petrol card. so he used the petrol card of another driver to buy some cigarettes for himself.  ingenuity :D • after sending little missie to school, he was suppose to come back and take madam out one day. he arrived one and a half hour later than another who went the same route. tun razak was jammed, he professed. why did you use tun razak? no, no, i used duke highway. i stopped for breakfast. you took the time to stop and eat breakfast? no, no, i bought a bread on the run. i refilled the petrol. sigh. notice any inconsistency? after a few more hits and misses, candidate # 3 left, knowing there was no way under the freaking moon that he will be confirmed as full time staff in this lifetime.

candidate # 4: ok, ok tomorrow i come to work. ok, ok, i know where and what time, went candidate number 4.

he didn't turn up. end of story. short but not very sweet.

                                                                  

i know that finding mr right is an impossible task and many women are disillusioned with the task but i am not looking for price charming nor am i looking for another half to spend the rest of my life with. nerd, geek, young old, tall, short, thin, fat, handsome, ugly, i am open to suggestions. i am just merely looking for a responsible employee who carry out his job conscientiously. apparently that is a fairy tale myth too, along with pumpkin carriages and happily ever after.

all's well that ends well

in a follow-up to my earlier post, my first detonation of fire power was aborted at the very last minute. not because of my saint-like forgiving spirit, which i have in all fairness exercised over and over and over again. each time i wanted to fire him in the midst of every of my frustration, i have cooled down within a day or two, or three, and thought maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe i should give him another chance.....until he struck again. it was a vicious cycle. it also wasn't because he suddenly shaped up and transformed into the model employee of 2014. leopard doesn't change its spots. hmmmm, why that? why not zebra doesn't change its stripes or chicken doesn't change its colour. someone somewhere a very long time ago was very keen on dots and spots. anyway, i digress. our rebellious employee decided to resign, saving all of us more grieve. i don't know whether to celebrate, to let out a sigh of relief or just to shake my head. it is a akin to a girl being jilted by a boy who she is dating but is finding more unattractive by the growing second. it's fine if you break up with him but when he breaks up with you first, there is a certain undeniable nagging tug in your heart. also i kept having second doubts (and infinity doubts after that) whether i was being too harsh on him. all that said, i still feel very blessed that he chose to resign first. he saved me a lot of altercation, frustration, bad feelings and bad karma. in the end, i can peacefully ask for the return of all keys, cards, office assets as well as the $500 loan which i have very much written off in my mind and wish him well for his next job. i can finally let out a sigh of relief and literally feel the weight lift off my shoulder.

all's well that ends well.

that's all it takes

it's raining. the cool breeze gently caressing my face as my fingers run across the keyboard. the refreshing mist and the dark skies bringing out the melancholy in me.

i am happy.

squeak

the cat is still away, and the mouse is out to play again.

today i had a craving for coffee. coffee and a piece of cake. i skyped hubs and told him that i am yearning for it and he told me to go. a very simple word, one syllable at most: go. yet it was something that never crossed my mind. i have been a relatively go-getter kind of person but i don't know how, when and why i have slowly turned into this person who is afraid of change, afraid of stepping slightly out of my routine. even though i wasn't planning to work today, it didn't cross my mind to outright play hooky, to let my hair down and just chill at the nearest coffee place. my subconscious seem to balk at such a suggestion. well, today i scoff at my subconscious.

one idea. one suggestion. one action. and here i am.

apparently it wasn't the caffeine that i needed but the whole package; the soft jazzy music piped softly in the background, the cold air-condition blocking out the humid stuffy temperate air, the thick glass walls intercepting the din of traffic yet providing one with an aloof glimpse of the outside world, the cocoon sheltering for a little while from the craziness of the world, a little bit of 'me' time; to ponder, to unwind, to mull, to breathe a little easier.

p/s: by the time i have finished writing this, edit it, upload the photo, the coffee has turned cold, the air-cond into a winter freeze and my bladder is close to bursting. apparently one will also tire of too much of a good thing. woman! by definition you must be a specie that is impossible to please.

go figure

the cat is away, so the mouse can play....house. i'm cooking dinner these days. as you can tell, i don't do it on a daily basis. my heart is brimming with everlasting gratitude and endless thankfulness for the woman who has made my life easier. but i am doing it these days, and the kids are telling me not to. that i am making them fat. and that they prefer to eat food that they don't like and are unappetising.

used to be love was expressed in the time and care that was spent in the preparation of food. but now all that attentiveness and delicious grub equates into fat thighs, big tummies, early puberty, high blood glucose level and high cholesterol.

so i shall stop treating them so good? go figure.

travelling backwards in time

arggghhhhhh! so the water pipes are going to continue to be closed. i bet that no one is surprised. it just drives me crazy to mull over it. it is not the fact that they think it is okay to disrupt the provision of one of the most basic needs of mankind. it is not the fact that they blame us for misusing the water whilst there are badly-maintained burst pipes shooting high like gleaming fountains everywhere. it is not the fact that they have no plans to build more reservoirs in places that are actually conducive to water collection (rolls eyes). it is not the fact that they turned a basic need into a political tool. it is not the fact that their lackadaisical attempts to actually solve this shortage is non-existent. don't have ah, don't use loh. bravo. bravo. it actually makes you wonder if that is how they run the powers-that-be departments and naturally, the country. which is actually a rhetorical question because the answer is obvious.

it is exasperating, to say the least. obviously it is all of the above, but even more, it is the fact that we are slowly getting used to it. we are once again accepting mediocrity as norm and lowering the bar of standard. just like we did with education. just like we did with corruption and transparency. just like we did with the quality of our manpower. just like we did with public security. just like we did with so many other issues.

que sera sera. we live and let be. because we are one against the world. because our voices cannot be heard. because we are comfortable. in the end, our next generation suffers.

in remembrance of...

and the world moves on.

except for the selected few, who will always be stuck in limbo, losing a part of themselves, i cannot imagine.most, myself included, probably followed it closer than a soldier's haircut because it was so mysterious. not to mention the drama, the twists, the hype and all the things that should not have been, which was at the expense of their loved ones.

a young asylum seeker looking to start anew, the world at his feet. his life was taken apart, examined and laid bare for all to see. the co-pilot, the captain, the steward, the son, the groom to be, the best friend, the grandchild, the father, the flight attendant. all their lives and their stories were played like a game of cards to wrench as much tears and heartbreak from the readers in the hope of increasing their readership. he said, she said. facts that were not verified were raced to be published so that they could say they said it first. the oil rig worker who saw the plane go down in flames in south china sea. the woman who saw the plane in the water in the andaman sea. for their 5 minutes of glory, they did more damage than could ever be calculated. everybody wanted a piece of the tragedy for themselves. what i reported. what i know. what i think. what i felt. what i loss. what i wished. when is it about them? the ones that will never ever again have another second to talk, to learn, to ponder, to feel, to value. do you remember them as individuals? do you remember their names, their dreams, the lives they left behind? where is the dignity in death?

millions sighed. thousands cried. hundreds died. a nation was tested, blamed and hopefully, although doubtfully, learnt. everybody have their own theory of what happened. some people point their fingers, others empathised. so many people, so many different voices. the sun goes down. when it rises again, people are starting to forget. the faces, the pain, the lives cut short.

fire away

at 43yo i still have not fired a single person, and i do not seem to have the mental capacity to do so. granted, most people will not have fired anyone at that age either, but given the years that i have people working for me, it is quite a task. perhaps i am just lucky to have found good people, or more likely, i have been hiding behind a more formidable figure. someone who didn't need me to be responsible for many things, someone who will swiftly take up the post of authority and carry the world on his shoulders. behind that person, i have become a shadow.

i have never thought of myself as independent. or mature, for that matter. being the youngest in the family, there were plenty who had volumes to say that my voice was never heard. maybe it was also the side-effect of being a shadow. however, looking back, being sent away since i  was 10, i have subconsciously learnt to do things for myself. i just need the confidence to execute it.

a new employee should be relieved of his service, simply because he was so wrong for the job. i needed someone who could efficiently and effectively carry out his job description. quite simple and straight forward at that. he on the other hand was busy lying, evading duties, roaming out there in the wilderness of the city, planning scheming calculating nobody knows what. when you wanted him, he was not around. when you asked him to do things, it gets done, albeit hours and hours later. when you asked him to come, he sits around chatting. his excuses and stories will put j.k. rowling to shame. he needed to go. however, i keep giving him a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, a 4th chance....so many that i have just lost count. each time i resolute to let him go, a few days later, i will soften and decide that perhaps it wasn't so bad after all. he will however give me new reasons every few days to remind me that he is so wrong for the job. in that he is quite consistent. again i resolute that i need to let him go. another tells me that others are just as bad. i soften. this vicious cycle is driving me half crazy and i am determined that this should be the last time. something so simple, why is my mind making it so difficult for me? how easy will life be if i was born mentally strong and opinionated?  it is too easy for me to empathise, to look at the other side of the coin and understand. i am in the wrong field. i will be a good nurse, a good teacher or even a good vet. heck, that was my childhood dream. a kindergarten teacher. aside from being miss hong kong and a tvb actress, of course. i did not think i will end up here, in board meetings, back stabbings and office politics.

i have never been suited for the corporate world and have always been a soft-hearted one. people like us are not cut out to be good mothers or good bosses. we are definitely not cut out to takeover the world. still, i should learn to believe in myself more, to trust my instinct, to harden myself against the masses wanting to take advantage. it is hard. i lament why the world can't just leave us to be ourselves. i am happy to be me, to be the soft-hearted, peace-loving, everything-is-beautiful me, but in this world, that me probably will not last for long. and in this complicated life that i live, i will not even last for short. we can never live the lives we want. we live the life that we can, to the best that we can.

tas

tas was beautiful. tas as in tasmania, but tas just sounds more intimate, like a close relative or a town where i was born. and before you ask, no i wasn't born there but after one week of exploring the nooks and crevices you feel as if you know it. there was nothing much to do, not so rich in history like europe and not so glamorous like its northern cousins; melbourne and sydney. but why would you want to visit if it was exactly like other cities anyway.

tas was tas. simple, clean, uncluttered and raw. clean blue water that glisten in the sun. skies so blue and clear which reminded me that i have forgotten how it should really look like. fresh air, with no scent of smoke or haze. i can breathe once more. the evening sky was amazing. i have never seen the night sky literally littered with so much stars. the world, nature, has given us so much, and sometimes all we have to do is just take a few more steps and stop to look at it.

we were acutely deficient in the r&r area for some time. december came and went without so much as a break, bodies were rioting against prolonged stress and the brains were slowly shutting down. we needed this tasmanian holiday, as much as their tourism needs us perhaps. (grins) yes, that was a subtle intimation that not many people travel to tasmania, not even tourists. i drove for hours without seeing another car and their 'highway' linking major towns is akin to our kampung roads, with perhaps a tad million more roadkills. however, that was exactly what i wanted, and what i needed. therapy.

the itinerary was planned in so much detail, albeit a little hurriedly because of the towering pile of work on my table whining for my attention, right down to what time we leave where and what time we head to which restaurant for dinner. that was the virgoan side of me in action, but the 43yo me has since learned to chill and incorporate a 'whatever, we are on holiday' leeway to the plans. 3 days before departure, dear hubs invited along his sisters for the trip. we have made the invitation countless times over the past month. come along, it'll be fun. come on, it'll be free. still no one took us up on the offer, saying that timing just wasn't right. well, 3 days before the trip, the timing became right! as you can imagine, logistically it was a nightmare. all accommodations, flight and rental car bookings have been made. it wasn't just adding another 2 more pax, it was a hell more complicated than that.

that was where the story could have gone down 2 roads. many would have chosen to made a big fuss over it, scream at their hubs for last minute invitations, throw not-so-subtle insinuations at in-laws for last minute acceptances and downright refuse to do any alteration to holiday plans. but what is the point of that? who wins with temper tantrums and altercation? our life is filled with so many such choices. the lives we touch are determined by such choices. it's not like asking one to break into alcatraz and smuggle prisoners out. it's just a little more hassle and inconvenience than normal. i had to add rooms to 3 different hotels, to change the 4WD to a mini-van and to cajole the landlady of a 2-bedroom house to add some mattresses on the floor. ok, that last one was a little more frustrating because the landlady was basically an unco-operating bitch  and perhaps unappreciated woman but nothing stops a fire faster than praises and sweet compliments, or so i have learnt. ha! never knew honey puts out fire.

and so, with no acrimony and animosity (we are learning the alphabet 'a' today) to spoil the trip, it was indeed a pleasant one. and i got the r&r that i so badly needed.

echoes of heartbreak

the things that they don't tell you. that your heart will break when your daughter's do. that you can't smile and the day is so gloomy when she is crying in her heart. nobody tells you that motherhood is so tough. it's not enough that you had to go through all the heartbreak, nose stuffed from all the crying into pillows and loneliness the first time round, now you have to live through it all again through your flesh and blood. if only i could hold her close, if only i could tell her that it's ok, that they'll be many more heartbreak to come but in the end she'll find the perfect one. but she never tells me stuffs, so how can i tell her back? thus my heart weighs heavy in my chest. fathers have it so easy, they are forever lost in the world of their own, does he even know?