i came back from dinner one night, sans handphone which i have accidentally left behind, to find out that i have some missed phone calls and messages. for 3 hours i was missing and suddenly everybody is looking for me. that's the law of the world. friends that don't even normally contact me for that matter. how are you? went one. like this lah, how about you?, i replied. i texted another missed caller back too, are you looking for me? before anyone replied my message, the missed caller rang and screamed down the line, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!! HOW ARE YOU?! THE NEWS JUST REPORTED THAT YOUR DAD HAS PASSED AWAY!
oh...........my.................god! that took my breath away for a second. and i would have crumbled had i not just came back from dinner with my dad. i am very sure he is still alive. apparently that is the caliber of our journalists and newscaster. verifying the accuracy of information comes second to getting there and reporting it first. it reflects the very essence of what is wrong with our world. people, in their bid to be well-known, to be the first to say it, to be the smart-aleck who knew it first, give little regards to whether the information that they are spouting is true or accurate. who cares if i'm wrong, who will remember anyway. lackadaisical attitudes like these which reflect the typical "see lai housewives" species of which there are no precise translation in english.
different news channel are reporting different versions of who passed away, and as the dead can't stand for themselves and be heard, the rumours continued to be fabricated. it was this guy, no it was that guy. at the end of the night, a few men with the same name, who could still answer their handphone, was left fending phone calls and messages with the confirmation that they are indeed still alive and kicking.
even though it was not my dad, i was left shaking. i felt like i came within a hair's breadth to a catastrophe but was spared in an inconceivable mind-boggling way. like you know how after a misfortune, people will break down and moan for a miracle that will reverse time and change the sequence of events, only i was actually spared and time did reverse and my memory of the alternative sad ending erased. like a page from some stephen king's supernatural fiction.
the next morning, the information got a lot clearer. news sources are finally getting their information correct. they are reporting the correct name and the correct person. in the evening though, there was one news channel that was still obstinately reporting it wrong. it was even showing his photo with the correct name of the deceased. it was disconcerting, to say the least. i can't imagine how he must have felt, seeing his face scroll slowly down the screen. it was surreal. i can't even begin to say how glad i was that i can sleep peacefully that night. i am grateful to all the powers that be out there, atheist or not. and i am grateful to those who got in touch with me, those whose hands trembled on my behalf and who thought dearly of me.
Monday, April 06, 2015
Friday, April 03, 2015
indigestion
how does one keep oneself optimistic? the world is full of weary angry disgruntled hands pulling you down to its abyss. everyone's so angry. so discontented. so negative. sigh. with each passing day it gets harder to break free. finding for the beauty in things, looking at the rainbow after the rain, seeing the silver lining in the dark gloomy clouds, i am not sure i have the energy anymore. it is like a fight each day, pushing away negative thoughts, people who insist on being grumpy and unhappy, no matter how beautiful the day or the horizon.
i don't get hurt by the thoughtless things that strangers do. it's tiring. it's exhausting for sure, but i'm protected by the invisible bubble that is me. i sigh but i also laugh and i also smile, i am contented with the present. but when people close hurl painful jabs, without even a second thought, i try my hardest to understand. only when we hurt that we want to hurt. i try to empathise. but it doesn't stop it from being painful. not even for one second. it doesn't stop it from haunting my memories. i don't know which is worse; nary a thought of consideration before or no compunction after.
the world will be a beautiful place if only everybody loves and smile a little more. why all the hatred, all the anger, all the discontentment? we are all different, why do we ask that others are the same? we all have reasons for our actions, if we can't understand, perhaps we can empathise?
my heart feels heavy, my stomach uneasy. perhaps it's indigestion. of food or of life?
i don't get hurt by the thoughtless things that strangers do. it's tiring. it's exhausting for sure, but i'm protected by the invisible bubble that is me. i sigh but i also laugh and i also smile, i am contented with the present. but when people close hurl painful jabs, without even a second thought, i try my hardest to understand. only when we hurt that we want to hurt. i try to empathise. but it doesn't stop it from being painful. not even for one second. it doesn't stop it from haunting my memories. i don't know which is worse; nary a thought of consideration before or no compunction after.
the world will be a beautiful place if only everybody loves and smile a little more. why all the hatred, all the anger, all the discontentment? we are all different, why do we ask that others are the same? we all have reasons for our actions, if we can't understand, perhaps we can empathise?
my heart feels heavy, my stomach uneasy. perhaps it's indigestion. of food or of life?
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
tick tock, for whom time tolls
wow. can you believe that one third of 2015 is almost gone? 2015 just bounced in unwelcomed and unbidden and now it's trying to creep slowly out the back door. yes, this is the annual customary 'omg! look where has the time gone?' post. actually, no, it isn't but i just wanted to also scream 'OMG LOOK WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!!!' because the toilet roll of time seems to be running out faster towards the end!
OK, back to subject at hand. I've started to write 2015 instead of 2014 and am slowly getting used to the change. Until I saw that it is actually the year 2558 instead of 2015! WHA????!!! time warp. stephen hawking has finally managed to manipulate the space and time continuum, was my first thought. actually, it wasn't but it just sounds cuter if i put it that way. :p
apparently, in a galaxy far far away, eons of light years away from ours, some alien planet write this same time plane as 2558. actually, that distant planet is thailand. our 2015 means 2015 A.D (anno domini or in the year of the Lord), ie (isn't it strange that i.e. is read as I.E. and not that is, even though i.e. what it stands for. haha. see, you can't interchange that is with ie. how do you read an abbreviation anyway? so if you read an abbr. as it literally is, then you will read the first part of this sentence as 'so if you read an ae-brrrrrrrr'....which is weird, right?)
anyway back from the extended round the universe tour, thailand's 2558 is 2558 years after the death of Buddha. sigh. that complicates matters for the rest of the world. why are days religion-spurred anyway? shouldn't it be more scientific based? then again, when does time start if not at the mark of something significant? there has always been altercation about religion, even starting from the middle ages or maybe even before then. each wants to pull in more believers and followers to make their religion more powerful, the almighty one. for many who miss the point, religion is synonymous to politics. so, if the whole world, or almost a major portion of it, is writing their year as 2015, does it mean that christianity, or the acknowledgement of the existence of the Lord at the very least, has taken a firm hold on the daily lives of everybody? or perhaps it is just the easy way, for lack of an atheistic one, to mark the passing of time.
to complicate matters further, taiwan marks this year as the 104th year, sounding very much like some golden wedding anniversary. for them, it is the 104th year after the founding of the republic of china....which is taiwan. not china. even though it sounds very much like china' *rolls eyes* i think that the head of some countries are just too free and are just messing with our minds. it could have been the republic of taiwan... but nah, that will be too distinct and clear-cut. why not mess with generations of school children's heads and make it sound like people's republic of china, which is of course, china. wouldn't that be the greatest legacy and dinner conversation starter?
guest: so, what do you do anyway?
host: me? i single-handedly confused every single school-going child in the world. how's that for my resume!
so, apparently the marking of the passing of time, which sounds like a very scientific thing, is very much politically and religious motivated. don't tell that to my gprs-enabled wall clock which loses 1 second every 10,000 years. i think it is an atheist.
to mark this wonderful occasion (of what? that i am alive, typing and entertaining you with my delightful amusing thoughts) i should start my very own year, just in case one day i become famous one day. henceforth, this year will be known as 1m. 1me. :D
24/3/1m
OK, back to subject at hand. I've started to write 2015 instead of 2014 and am slowly getting used to the change. Until I saw that it is actually the year 2558 instead of 2015! WHA????!!! time warp. stephen hawking has finally managed to manipulate the space and time continuum, was my first thought. actually, it wasn't but it just sounds cuter if i put it that way. :p
apparently, in a galaxy far far away, eons of light years away from ours, some alien planet write this same time plane as 2558. actually, that distant planet is thailand. our 2015 means 2015 A.D (anno domini or in the year of the Lord), ie (isn't it strange that i.e. is read as I.E. and not that is, even though i.e. what it stands for. haha. see, you can't interchange that is with ie. how do you read an abbreviation anyway? so if you read an abbr. as it literally is, then you will read the first part of this sentence as 'so if you read an ae-brrrrrrrr'....which is weird, right?)
anyway back from the extended round the universe tour, thailand's 2558 is 2558 years after the death of Buddha. sigh. that complicates matters for the rest of the world. why are days religion-spurred anyway? shouldn't it be more scientific based? then again, when does time start if not at the mark of something significant? there has always been altercation about religion, even starting from the middle ages or maybe even before then. each wants to pull in more believers and followers to make their religion more powerful, the almighty one. for many who miss the point, religion is synonymous to politics. so, if the whole world, or almost a major portion of it, is writing their year as 2015, does it mean that christianity, or the acknowledgement of the existence of the Lord at the very least, has taken a firm hold on the daily lives of everybody? or perhaps it is just the easy way, for lack of an atheistic one, to mark the passing of time.
to complicate matters further, taiwan marks this year as the 104th year, sounding very much like some golden wedding anniversary. for them, it is the 104th year after the founding of the republic of china....which is taiwan. not china. even though it sounds very much like china' *rolls eyes* i think that the head of some countries are just too free and are just messing with our minds. it could have been the republic of taiwan... but nah, that will be too distinct and clear-cut. why not mess with generations of school children's heads and make it sound like people's republic of china, which is of course, china. wouldn't that be the greatest legacy and dinner conversation starter?
guest: so, what do you do anyway?
host: me? i single-handedly confused every single school-going child in the world. how's that for my resume!
so, apparently the marking of the passing of time, which sounds like a very scientific thing, is very much politically and religious motivated. don't tell that to my gprs-enabled wall clock which loses 1 second every 10,000 years. i think it is an atheist.
to mark this wonderful occasion (of what? that i am alive, typing and entertaining you with my delightful amusing thoughts) i should start my very own year, just in case one day i become famous one day. henceforth, this year will be known as 1m. 1me. :D
24/3/1m
Friday, March 06, 2015
noiseless noise
it's 44 this year. with age you are suppose to be more comfortable in your skin. more confident and fearless. at least that is what it appears to me when i was growing up and looking at the faces of older people.
and am i?
i guess it is true that you care less about what people think. but i believe that only applies to people you don't know. at least it does for me. i told my daughter that i am actually shy in nature, and she refused to believe that. her mother? shy? the loud-mouth woman who would randomly talk to strangers and voice out her requests to waiters? she doesn't see the timid and self-conscious side of me. i'm only shy with the people whose opinion i care about, people that i know and people whose judgement i value. she doesn't see when i look down on the floor or shuffle my feet. i'm shy when i actually give a damn, my two personalities a contrariety, like two opposite people living in one body.
but you don't grow more fearless as you grow older. if anything, i am more fearful. i'm afraid of swatting the fly, i am hesitant to destroy the ant, i think twice before i kill the mosquito if it doesn't appear to be interested in my blood. heck, i feel remorse at pulling out the weed!! i can almost hear them screaming for their lives, imploring me to think twice about annihilating their existence. with my own two hands i decide what lives and what doesn't? what gives me that right?! a plant, growing wild and carefree, undesirable only in my opinion, gets ripped out because it doesn't conform. yet what can I do? let the garden grow unkempt and untended? what is the point of having a garden then? it's a jungle out there (can't resist inserting this from the tv series 'monk')
i think too much, i know i do. who is so tortured by taking care of their garden? i am a paranoia begging to be released. i howl in turmoil inside when i have to squash the ants who are going about their day with such nonchalance. i question if i can live in peaceful co-existence with them. millipedes in the soil, cockroaches in the drain, ants in the kitchen, mosquitoes hidden away so i can never see nor hear them. i ignore those i can; like the lizards. i squirm when i have to kill those i can't. at 16 or maybe even 21, i was never thus. i never had a problem arming myself with the pest repellant spray. it was me against them in the survival of the wild. what has gone wrong? have i become more aware as i grow older? too aware?
it is burdensome and laborious living like this. yet i do not see a choice. i cannot determine what i will think or not feel. i can toughen up, like i already am trying, but i cannot not squirm in silence. i cannot be nonchalant about the whole thing. i cannot not be me.
what i need is to lie down on a comfortable daybed, in a dim room somewhere, and have a little chat with ms psychiatrist. i must be slowly going insane. you are witness to the slow degradation of someone's mind.
and am i?
i guess it is true that you care less about what people think. but i believe that only applies to people you don't know. at least it does for me. i told my daughter that i am actually shy in nature, and she refused to believe that. her mother? shy? the loud-mouth woman who would randomly talk to strangers and voice out her requests to waiters? she doesn't see the timid and self-conscious side of me. i'm only shy with the people whose opinion i care about, people that i know and people whose judgement i value. she doesn't see when i look down on the floor or shuffle my feet. i'm shy when i actually give a damn, my two personalities a contrariety, like two opposite people living in one body.
but you don't grow more fearless as you grow older. if anything, i am more fearful. i'm afraid of swatting the fly, i am hesitant to destroy the ant, i think twice before i kill the mosquito if it doesn't appear to be interested in my blood. heck, i feel remorse at pulling out the weed!! i can almost hear them screaming for their lives, imploring me to think twice about annihilating their existence. with my own two hands i decide what lives and what doesn't? what gives me that right?! a plant, growing wild and carefree, undesirable only in my opinion, gets ripped out because it doesn't conform. yet what can I do? let the garden grow unkempt and untended? what is the point of having a garden then? it's a jungle out there (can't resist inserting this from the tv series 'monk')
i think too much, i know i do. who is so tortured by taking care of their garden? i am a paranoia begging to be released. i howl in turmoil inside when i have to squash the ants who are going about their day with such nonchalance. i question if i can live in peaceful co-existence with them. millipedes in the soil, cockroaches in the drain, ants in the kitchen, mosquitoes hidden away so i can never see nor hear them. i ignore those i can; like the lizards. i squirm when i have to kill those i can't. at 16 or maybe even 21, i was never thus. i never had a problem arming myself with the pest repellant spray. it was me against them in the survival of the wild. what has gone wrong? have i become more aware as i grow older? too aware?
it is burdensome and laborious living like this. yet i do not see a choice. i cannot determine what i will think or not feel. i can toughen up, like i already am trying, but i cannot not squirm in silence. i cannot be nonchalant about the whole thing. i cannot not be me.
what i need is to lie down on a comfortable daybed, in a dim room somewhere, and have a little chat with ms psychiatrist. i must be slowly going insane. you are witness to the slow degradation of someone's mind.
Friday, November 07, 2014
life's lesson
my daughter is teaching me life's lesson.
recently many things seem to go wrong. there was a sunday when everything that could go wrong did. a string of stuffs just broke down, each demanding my full attention. all i could do was heave a deep sigh and get on with it. the external hard disk drive where i have kept all their photos and videos was corrupted. the vacuum cleaner broke down. the computer was infected with virus. the kitchen glass window was in danger of falling out. the son needed a haircut. the niece needed help with finishing her assignment. the daughter was very frustrated because she couldn't get her laptop to work properly. it seems like the whole world was clawing at me.
things don't always work the way we want to. i have been sighing everyday whenever i think of my hard disk drive and the lost photos. i have also been sighing whenever i think of the new food thermos that the son has lost. it pulls me down, these thoughts. when i have a little chance to slow down and sit, my thoughts turn back to things that depress me. it is such a bad habit.
i told my daughter this. i am going to break this obsession and going to focus only on the positive. that's the problem with us. everyday there is good and bad. in everything there is something positive and negative. yet we often just accept the positive, take it for granted and merely focus on the negative, and let it fill you like it was everything. the daughter says, write down one good thing that happened everyday. write it in a book or something. she has been doing that for years; one good thing on her handphone every single day. that way we choose to focus and remember the good thing. one year later you may not remember the moment when you had that hilarious chopstick fight with your child to see who picked up peas the fastest but she chose to write it down. when times get rough, she can always take out the list and remember all the good times. what a wise little girl i have. she is and should be my role model. to be positive. to be resilient. to grab life and to live it to the fullest.
ellen degeneres (yes, i'm watching too much of ellen these days) said that the more you appreciate life, the more it gives you things to be appreciative of. karma.
today's moment of appreciation is that i have the best and most wonderful daughter and may she live happy, healthy and long.
not everyday is good, but there is good in everyday
winnie the pooh
recently many things seem to go wrong. there was a sunday when everything that could go wrong did. a string of stuffs just broke down, each demanding my full attention. all i could do was heave a deep sigh and get on with it. the external hard disk drive where i have kept all their photos and videos was corrupted. the vacuum cleaner broke down. the computer was infected with virus. the kitchen glass window was in danger of falling out. the son needed a haircut. the niece needed help with finishing her assignment. the daughter was very frustrated because she couldn't get her laptop to work properly. it seems like the whole world was clawing at me.
things don't always work the way we want to. i have been sighing everyday whenever i think of my hard disk drive and the lost photos. i have also been sighing whenever i think of the new food thermos that the son has lost. it pulls me down, these thoughts. when i have a little chance to slow down and sit, my thoughts turn back to things that depress me. it is such a bad habit.
i told my daughter this. i am going to break this obsession and going to focus only on the positive. that's the problem with us. everyday there is good and bad. in everything there is something positive and negative. yet we often just accept the positive, take it for granted and merely focus on the negative, and let it fill you like it was everything. the daughter says, write down one good thing that happened everyday. write it in a book or something. she has been doing that for years; one good thing on her handphone every single day. that way we choose to focus and remember the good thing. one year later you may not remember the moment when you had that hilarious chopstick fight with your child to see who picked up peas the fastest but she chose to write it down. when times get rough, she can always take out the list and remember all the good times. what a wise little girl i have. she is and should be my role model. to be positive. to be resilient. to grab life and to live it to the fullest.
ellen degeneres (yes, i'm watching too much of ellen these days) said that the more you appreciate life, the more it gives you things to be appreciative of. karma.
today's moment of appreciation is that i have the best and most wonderful daughter and may she live happy, healthy and long.
not everyday is good, but there is good in everyday
winnie the pooh
Thursday, October 16, 2014
could have been
clench your hand into a fist. now look at the bottom of your fist, the flat side that is along your pinky finger. just after the first three lines (that is the creases on your pinky finger) you will find a set of lines in between the third and 4th crease (which is your line of heart, the one that extends from your palm)
someone once told me that the number of lines show the number of children i will have. i remember that i had three lines when i was younger. i mused that i was going to have three children. however, i have over the years planned for only two and have been very careful to stick to my plan. recently, i looked at my hand again and the middle line has grown lighter and is now two broken lines instead of one continuous one.
i can't help but think that i may have wilfully stopped my third unborn (and even unformed and inexistent) child from coming to this world. somewhere there could have been, should have been, a big-sparkling-eyes, pig-tailed girl with the sweetest of smile waiting to hold my hand and call me mummy. it tugs at my heart so. i felt like i have lost something that i have never owned.
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
remember this
yesterday was my last appointment with the eye doctor. it marks the closing of an interesting episode in my life, the turning of page into another chapter. the doc examined my eyesight and bone structure to see if i have completely healed since the surgery. i know i have, because i am not nervous around fast moving objects anymore. i do not cover up apprehensively when others play with balls around me. my body knows and that is how i know. i still have double vision when i look up though. i asked the doc if it will improve with time. the doc laughs. funny doc. love his reply. apparently i won't. it's something that i will have to live with. one decision, one mistake, one second and it changes your life forever. but it's not such a big deal. you just learn to live with it and move on.
i am forever grateful by the kindness that the doctor and nurses have shown me. perhaps i should have done more. i thought of chocolates. of cakes. and then i forgot. and now i regret.
i am grateful that there are still nice people out there. not just for material benefits. not just for something in return. a little gesture. a smile. a kind word. patience. sincerity. recognition. it validates your faith in the goodness of mankind and once in a while you really need to reminded that not everything / everyone in the world is ugly. especially in the world that i live in.
when was the last time you did something selfless for others? i will keep this thought in my heart and always be reminded.
i am forever grateful by the kindness that the doctor and nurses have shown me. perhaps i should have done more. i thought of chocolates. of cakes. and then i forgot. and now i regret.
i am grateful that there are still nice people out there. not just for material benefits. not just for something in return. a little gesture. a smile. a kind word. patience. sincerity. recognition. it validates your faith in the goodness of mankind and once in a while you really need to reminded that not everything / everyone in the world is ugly. especially in the world that i live in.
when was the last time you did something selfless for others? i will keep this thought in my heart and always be reminded.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
another one
my birthday came and went. sometimes i wonder if we celebrate our birthday for the people around us or for ourselves.
some family members were also not enthusiastic about making efforts to mark any occasion and it is difficult to see them fake any semblance of enthusiasm for it. the boy didn't bother to wish me until i curiously prodded him. teenage doldrums, he claimed, ,which i can empathise, but not acquiesce. they wear me down with their inertia. i am disinclined to do anything to mark the day.
the girl came up with an elaborate treasure hunt, of which i am still attempting to unravel. for her time, for her effort, for her love, i am very grateful. for her reminder that it is fun to receive something from someone's heart, i am thankful. i have not receive something that came from the heart for the longest time. something that shows that someone adores you and savour your presence in their lives. for receiving that, i feel guilty. we all live in a sphere of unappreciation and self-centeredness. we go through our life often forgetting the people who has done and mean the most to us. i have gotten used to being that person that people forget.
some family members were also not enthusiastic about making efforts to mark any occasion and it is difficult to see them fake any semblance of enthusiasm for it. the boy didn't bother to wish me until i curiously prodded him. teenage doldrums, he claimed, ,which i can empathise, but not acquiesce. they wear me down with their inertia. i am disinclined to do anything to mark the day.
the girl came up with an elaborate treasure hunt, of which i am still attempting to unravel. for her time, for her effort, for her love, i am very grateful. for her reminder that it is fun to receive something from someone's heart, i am thankful. i have not receive something that came from the heart for the longest time. something that shows that someone adores you and savour your presence in their lives. for receiving that, i feel guilty. we all live in a sphere of unappreciation and self-centeredness. we go through our life often forgetting the people who has done and mean the most to us. i have gotten used to being that person that people forget.
Friday, September 05, 2014
a box of you
i keep the memories of her stored away in this little box, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. once a year i will take it out, dust off the cobwebs and the laughter, the banter, her unique way of interaction, her familiarity, all the flashes of my eighteen years with her spill out uncontrollably.
i see it in the window of my mind like clips of a short video. i watch it like a nonchalant bystander. the heart which i have quieten so long ago stirs with flickering of sadness.
i have since learnt to put up a floodgate. incase the surge pushes me over the brink. incase i cant return to sanity and to reality.
today is her birthday. i now see her only once a year because i have grown weak. i cant keep going to the deepest darkest pit in my mind and climb out unscathed, pretending that i am alright and move on with the world. i dont dare to confront my own self, my emotions, after i have been with her. i put it all back in the box and wait for another year.
she is the same. she is there. but not there, yet is still there. i know she listens. i can feel her consciousness as if it were my own. i wish i can do more. but i have learnt through my frustration that there are some things that you cannot change no matter how hard you tried.
i love you.
i see it in the window of my mind like clips of a short video. i watch it like a nonchalant bystander. the heart which i have quieten so long ago stirs with flickering of sadness.
i have since learnt to put up a floodgate. incase the surge pushes me over the brink. incase i cant return to sanity and to reality.
today is her birthday. i now see her only once a year because i have grown weak. i cant keep going to the deepest darkest pit in my mind and climb out unscathed, pretending that i am alright and move on with the world. i dont dare to confront my own self, my emotions, after i have been with her. i put it all back in the box and wait for another year.
she is the same. she is there. but not there, yet is still there. i know she listens. i can feel her consciousness as if it were my own. i wish i can do more. but i have learnt through my frustration that there are some things that you cannot change no matter how hard you tried.
i love you.
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
excessively delicate
it has been a very trying year thus far. one horrific plane disappearance followed by many other plane crashes. weird weather pattern, water supply rationing and literally breathtaking haze. one aunty found a lump in her breast and underwent mastectomy. another had strange growths along the outer walls of her intestines (?) which doctors are finding hard to diagnose. i myself had a very intimate encounter with a softball flying at 60kmh. i have been whining over the past years that time passes too fast, so fast that i can't even catch my breath but lately time has been inching along. which isn't a bad thing if it wasn't filled with unfortunate events but i guess i can't have one without the other.
i thought my episode with the softball was my big hurdle for this year, and i thought with the worst over, things will definitely pick up. but things seem to keep happening.
last week i headed off to phuket with the family for a uni-mates vacation, the first we have had in over 20 years. the plane ride wasn't the most comfortable, and me being all jittery about plane rides and absolutely abhoring all the turbulence that some crazy people (a.k.a. my son) will call "roller coaster ride", i was nervous from the moment the plane was on the tarmac ready for take-off. the weather didn't help at all. there was turbulence all the way. i tried to go to sleep but it's not easy when you are freaking out. after 1 hour and 10 minutes, the plane finally came down for landing. however it was raining heavily in phuket at that moment and the winds were strong. through the windows, i could see the heavy rainfall slashing at us and the wind shifting us uncertainly as our wheels were ready to hit the tarmac. i realised i have never, in all my years of flying, landed in such extreme weather condition. apparently the pilot shared the same thought and at the very last second, just as we were all bracing for the jolt from the landing, he pulled the plane up into a steep ascent again.
my heart would have dropped to the floor, had it not been the second time it happened to me. one thought and only one thought kept flashing through my mind. that was how the taiwan and iran plane crashed - bad weather conditions. love how my mind screws with me. who needs enemies? i dearly hoped that the airport control tower foresaw this and did not plan to have any plane coming down for a landing from the opposite side. we circled in the air for another hour, waiting for the weather condition to improve. in the end, when thoughts of the plane crashing straight down from the sky because it has gone empty on fuel, the pilot announced that we are flying back to penang to refuel. ok, that's a good sign, right? the pilot was keeping an eye on the fuel gauge and i'll be having good old solid land under my feet again very soon. that was until the pilot said it will take another 45 minutes to fly there.
what can i do? i was at their mercy. i picked up my jaw which had fallen to the floor with the announcement and pretended to be very busy with the newspaper. and since this post did not materialise from the realm of the after-death i have survived the emotionally scarring flight, enjoyed the reunion with my old friends and made it back in one piece. hurrayyyyy. rejoiceeeee.
apparently i am someone who hurts herself a lot. to give you the short abridged version, post traumatic flight i stabbed my hand with a knife and had problem with stopping the bleed. normal people cut their hands but being the hardcore accidental freak i had to stab it and after that scrape it every once in a while so that it cannot heal. the next day i scraped the sole of my feet against something sharp. and i matched it with two bruises on my thigh a few days later. i'm wearing the wounds like fashion accessories. the latest is my second toe nail which has been pried up all the way. i have to be careful not to hit anything so that it doesn't get ripped out. i don't pay attention, that is the problem. sigh.
i thought my episode with the softball was my big hurdle for this year, and i thought with the worst over, things will definitely pick up. but things seem to keep happening.
last week i headed off to phuket with the family for a uni-mates vacation, the first we have had in over 20 years. the plane ride wasn't the most comfortable, and me being all jittery about plane rides and absolutely abhoring all the turbulence that some crazy people (a.k.a. my son) will call "roller coaster ride", i was nervous from the moment the plane was on the tarmac ready for take-off. the weather didn't help at all. there was turbulence all the way. i tried to go to sleep but it's not easy when you are freaking out. after 1 hour and 10 minutes, the plane finally came down for landing. however it was raining heavily in phuket at that moment and the winds were strong. through the windows, i could see the heavy rainfall slashing at us and the wind shifting us uncertainly as our wheels were ready to hit the tarmac. i realised i have never, in all my years of flying, landed in such extreme weather condition. apparently the pilot shared the same thought and at the very last second, just as we were all bracing for the jolt from the landing, he pulled the plane up into a steep ascent again.
my heart would have dropped to the floor, had it not been the second time it happened to me. one thought and only one thought kept flashing through my mind. that was how the taiwan and iran plane crashed - bad weather conditions. love how my mind screws with me. who needs enemies? i dearly hoped that the airport control tower foresaw this and did not plan to have any plane coming down for a landing from the opposite side. we circled in the air for another hour, waiting for the weather condition to improve. in the end, when thoughts of the plane crashing straight down from the sky because it has gone empty on fuel, the pilot announced that we are flying back to penang to refuel. ok, that's a good sign, right? the pilot was keeping an eye on the fuel gauge and i'll be having good old solid land under my feet again very soon. that was until the pilot said it will take another 45 minutes to fly there.
what can i do? i was at their mercy. i picked up my jaw which had fallen to the floor with the announcement and pretended to be very busy with the newspaper. and since this post did not materialise from the realm of the after-death i have survived the emotionally scarring flight, enjoyed the reunion with my old friends and made it back in one piece. hurrayyyyy. rejoiceeeee.
apparently i am someone who hurts herself a lot. to give you the short abridged version, post traumatic flight i stabbed my hand with a knife and had problem with stopping the bleed. normal people cut their hands but being the hardcore accidental freak i had to stab it and after that scrape it every once in a while so that it cannot heal. the next day i scraped the sole of my feet against something sharp. and i matched it with two bruises on my thigh a few days later. i'm wearing the wounds like fashion accessories. the latest is my second toe nail which has been pried up all the way. i have to be careful not to hit anything so that it doesn't get ripped out. i don't pay attention, that is the problem. sigh.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
do you know that you are happy
only miss the sun when it starts to snow
only know you love her when you let her go
only know you've been high when you're feeling low
only hate the road when you're missing home
so goes the song playing softly in the background. it must be such a hard way to live your life, i ponder wistfully. never knowing the value of something and never appreciating it until it is gone. not that i am someone who knows myself in and out, left and right, through and through.
but to never being able to know the value of something until you no longer have it, happiness seem forever out of reach. i know someone who says he is not sad, but neither is he happy. perhaps it is because he is not sad that he doesn't know that he is already happy. without one, he is unable to acknowledge the other. is that how others are also living their life?
only know you love her when you let her go
only know you've been high when you're feeling low
only hate the road when you're missing home
so goes the song playing softly in the background. it must be such a hard way to live your life, i ponder wistfully. never knowing the value of something and never appreciating it until it is gone. not that i am someone who knows myself in and out, left and right, through and through.
but to never being able to know the value of something until you no longer have it, happiness seem forever out of reach. i know someone who says he is not sad, but neither is he happy. perhaps it is because he is not sad that he doesn't know that he is already happy. without one, he is unable to acknowledge the other. is that how others are also living their life?
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