the ever-morphing me

when i was in hong kong, a friend asked........."would you prefer to live in malaysia or hongkong, given that you will have your family with you wherever you go?"

the question took me by surprise, for it mirrors the one that i have been asking myself for the last decade. however, the thought have not crossed my mind for a long time now. i tried to form the words to express how i feel, to adequately convey my feelings on the matter but i failed miserably. for i am at a lost with regards to my own take on the same.

for many, hong kong is a vibrant land, full of energy and entertainment. most regard the people who resides there as uncouth and cold. i understand the rationale behind their impression but i also realise that most who form that opinion have only scratched the very surface of the society. how they justify their opinion from a 5-days stayover, visiting disneyland and oceanpark, i do not know. it hardly seems fair though. almost like saying malaysians are rude because we do not help pick up the things that clumsy people drop. it is too superficial. but then again, everybody is entitled to their opinion.

over the years, as a result of circumstance, i have made hong kong my second home and i know for a fact that the people there are far from rude. given the fact that hong kong is a highly competitive place and their citizens are always rushing from place to place without ever having enough hours in a day, i can understand the misconception. i, on the other hand, have received nothing but love and laughters from the people around me. even when i patronise the shops, i am greeted with lovely smiles and aiming-to-please attitudes. this is a very stark contrast to the salespeople here who are alternating between hounding customers or ignoring them, depending on their mood for that day.

i am digressing from the point of the story. it was not meant as a pro-hong kong campaign. before cocka complains of another long-winded entry, i shall move quickly to the gist of the story.

it used to be very clear to me which country i prefered. i loved hong kong for making me feel alive. i love the people for their quick-wit and love they lavish on me. despite the seasonal cold climate i felt the warmth that enveloped me. there was nothing much holding me back here, except for perhaps one person or two. i was here, but my heart was there.

now, however, i am unable to tell. too many years later, hong kong seems to have lost its appeal and the people are changing. or is it me? they are still them, as loving and giving as ever. hong kong is still vibrant and exciting. why have i changed?

that's life, i guess. you think you know what you want. you are sure of your goals and your likings. but when you are not paying attention, it changed. even without your realising it. it crept up stealthily behind you and grab the 'you' that you once knew and substituted with another person. one day, you wake up and ask yourself the same question. and you realise your answer is not the same anymore. you cannot justify your new emotions, nor can you pinpoint the exact moment that it changed. but you just know that you are not the same. i look back and realise that i am a different person than i was, say ten years ago. but if i was hard-pressed to say exactly what is different, i wouldn't even know what to say. it's not for the better. nor for the worse. just......different.

and so, i begin the journey to rediscover myself. to re-learn my likes and dislikes. to understand my feelings. with the correct questions from the correct people, i am learning a little more about myself.