mails

i received two mails yesterday.

the first from a miss yana. a nice name, don't you think? the name almost rolls of my tongue and sounds melodic. the problem is, i don't know anybody named yana. with a subject header like “hi my dear” , it really grabbed my attention by the balls, that is if i had any. the contents went like this:

'Hallo!

I am a lovely and lonely Lady who is looking for the man who will make me happy and whom I want to feel like in paradise with! If you want to be my beautiful Hero who will save me from this loneliness find me http://www.iamsearching-forlove.com/mydarling/ and wake me up with a warm kiss.

talk to you soon
Yana

dear yana,

thank you for your interesting mail. whilst i appreciate your search for the man that will make you happy, i am sorry to say that i cannot be that person for you. for the very obvious reason that i do not have the necessary physical equipment to satisfy you and make you happy.

however, i do admire your courage and your faith in the belief that distributing such mails to everyone, regardless of race, religion or even sex will bring a gentleman to your attention. then again, perhaps you are not looking for a gentleman.

i wish you the very best in your endeavours and hope that your trawling methods will attract the required attention.

best wishes,
me

there you have it, guys.

those who dream of being somebody’s prince charming, or rescuing some gal from the castle of loneliness, you know where to log into. however, at some point in time, there may be demand for some cold hard cash tucked away in some small-print clause. still, there are some who believe that money can buy them temporary spans of happiness, or should i say orgasm, and i wish you the best of luck.

ok, my next mail.

from a man called timothy otis. my first thought; otis? isn’t that the lift? the lift man wrote to me? i may have pressed a few buttons by mistake, but i don’t think that justifies a letter from the big man himself, does it?

upon reading the contents, i realized that everyone else probably has received the same one at one point or another. i know i have read it several times before, sometimes by the snail mail even.

mr otis offers me a sum of US$4.35million as gratification, simply for partaking in some hare-brain scheme of his. apparently, some bigshot has passed away and none of his descendants know of this sum of money in his account. yah, right! so, if i were to contact him, and possibly give him the details of my bank account (he hasn't mentioned anything along that line at this juncture), i can gain access to that sum of money. hey friends, i am on my way to becoming richhhhhhhhhhh. that's like rm16.5 million. i can cash it all in $1 notes and make a mattress out of it!

dear mr otis,

thank you for your very kind offer.

i do not know how you have been able to obtain my "impressive" information from the "burkina faso chamber of commerce on foreign business relations" since i have absolutely no idea where on earth is burkina faso. however, your source of information is perhaps not of utmost importance in this case.

whilst your generosity has been unsurpassed, i am sad to inform you that i have to decline your offer. blame it on my upbringing but it has been instilled in me since young never to accept gifts from strangers, especially of this magnitude.

i do not doubt your sincerity in the offer and i am genuinely touched by your deep concern over this some of money. many would have turned a blind eye and walked on. the bank of africa is indeed fortunate to have a man of your integrity.

my religion does not permit me to be a silly, stupid and gullible fool and as such, with a heavy heart, i have to reject your offer.

nevertheless, i would like to extend my best wishes for finding an appropriate and gullible, i mean co-operative partner.

best wishes,
me

however, it is not like me to stop my very good friends from finding their pot of gold. for those who finds this offer irrestible and will like to have their shot at being a millionaire, you can contact mr otis at timothy_otis06@yahoo.co.uk.

when you are driving your porshe and smoking cuban cigars, please don't forget me.