in agreement

it's not easy staying married for so many years. as two individual beings with very different lines of taste and preferences, it's unavoidable that there are clashes and confrontations. we find ourselves disagreeing on all types of things....he likes sports, i like lounging around like a pig. he is tidy, i'm messy..again like my zodiac..a pig. he likes to be a hermit, i like to mix with friends. he hates writing, writing takes away my maniac homicidal tendencies. he likes his instant noodles soggy and soft (bleaugh!), i like mine with a little bite.

however, there is one thing that we both agree on.

one thing that we are of the same opinion.

the only thing that we are on common ground.



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and that is........

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the fact that i'm perfect!







loosen up!! it's friday!

time to go crazy!!!!

in the news

my invisible newspaper man sends me a bill every month for my papers. a bill which i sometimes overlook to pay on time....*head hanging low with shame*...but, that's beside the point.

along with his bill, he sends me a self-addressed and pre-stamped envelope for my convenience in sending the cheques (cheque! not smelly coins and crumpled old notes anymore! ) back to him. his invoices are numbered and computer-generated (or prepared by computer at the very least). doesn't it just amazes you (or am i the only old rock here?) how far the little roadside newspaper delivery system has evolved? i think he has managed to corporatise the entire dailies' delivery system. i wouldn't be surprised if this guy is a hidden tycoon. i don't know how he does it by charging us only $5 delivery fees, when customers like me keep paying him late and forking out the extra 30sen for the stamps each month. still, i believe he's got something going here.

and another thing. you know those monthly bills he send? he includes an inspirational phrase in each invoice. last month's was 'satisfaction is in the effort, not in the attainment'. before that was 'instruments of the wise - circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but the instruments of the wise'. that is so profound, even i don't get it. i won't be surprised if the man behind this, mr r., is a harvard graduate!! i'll bet it's all a ploy to get us looking forward to his next bill!

i hate work

missing so much

arrrrrrghhhhh! i'm going crazy! has anybody ever died from missing someone too much? i can't stand this! this sitting here, unable to do anything but miss her somemore.

missing her so much, what can i do? i took a walk back to her place. it has been uninhabited for so long, that so many crap is growing on it. it drives me crazy to see her place desecrated! i want to clean it for her...but i don't have the key.

she's crazy, i'm too sensible. she's open, i keep everything inside. she has the best EQ i know, i hold down the fort on the IQ part. she balances my life, brings a little craziness and a little spontaneity to my measured precise world. with her, i learn to open up, a little at a time, telling her things even when she's not interested in hearing them. she seeks me out like a guided missile even when i neglected her. she makes the word 'bitch' sounds like a term of endearment. she makes me laugh and groan at her whiny complaints. there is no one in the whole wide world that is like her, no matter how hard i looked. she makes grouchiness and brusqueness seem so sweet. in her crudeness, you can feel real warmth.in every other friend that i make, i measure them against her....but how can you measure up against a friendship that lasted 22 years?

for a little while, i couldn't understand why i hated sweet people. sacharrin sweetness brings a shiver to my soul. now i know. i want her bitchiness back. her bitchiness makes me feel sincerity.

writing about her feels like a betrayal. but it is the only way that i can take a walk back in my memories and hold her hands. i can't shout, i can't cry. all my actions and words have to be so precise and measured, so that i don't end up hurting others.

lesson to remember

yesterday.......

"pssssttt...don't let your brother do the ordering!!!!.....last chance!!...you better do something about it!" she hissed into my ear.

flipping through the scrumptious pictures on the menu, my ears were only half listening; the growling of my stomach overriding the voice.

"it's ok. i'm hungry. let him order.....but quick. i want to eat".

that was the last sentence i said.....before i exploded!

we ordered far too much. we stuffed our faces, not to mention our stomachs, because no one wanted to admit that we ordered too much. if there wasn't much food left on the table, it wasn't too much, right? our insane logic, anyway.

it helped that my sensibility was temporarily distracted by a couple of ninjas scurrying around. it really tickled me to see the waiters wearing the get-up, complete with the black face mask and webbed shoes. they didn't pull out swords from behind their backs though, much to my disappointment. spoil-sport!

mum insisted on placing pieces of globe fishes on the grill....eventhough it was not meant to be grilled. it came back blackened and burnt. nobody wanted it.

granny, who was a little miffed with the general saltiness of the food, (and was being told repeatedly by moi that japanese food is like that one lah) asked for the fifteenth time..."you all never order rice ah? you all must eat a little rice!"....even after all of us have downed two plates of sushi rolls, some katsu-don (fried chicken with rice), some fancy mixed whatchamacallit rice. nooooo moreeeeee riceeeeee pleaseeeeee! and after her equivalent number of reminders to pack the remaining food, we were seriously considering asking the waiter to pack the single slice of watermelon, soya sauce, some limp dripping pieces of lettuce, little bits of wasabi here and there (if you scrape the plates hard enough), some abandoned sukiyaki soup, a half-eaten sushi.......we finally decided against it. going to the emergency and pumping out our stomachs for food poisoning is not my idea of losing the weight gained from this excessive lunchtime.

i think japanese food makes my family a little crazy, bordering on insanity.

lesson learnt today: supervise when brother is ordering!

also, when leaving comments, please kindly refrain from using the four letter word, that begins with 'f' and ends with 'd', with double 'o's in the middle. violators will be barfed on!!

who stopped first?

ever get yourself in a situation where you close yourself from others because you thought they didn't care? you stop taking the initiative, making the next move....because you feel that they have not taken any steps down the road of friendship? you wonder...were you intruding? you stop calling, they stop calling. now you'll never know if they never cared...or they were just going through a rough patch.

i seem to get myself into that situation a lot. i get tired. i stop walking. pretty soon, i turn around...and the friendship is in the past.

i guess that is not the way friends should be. then again, don't two hands make a clapping sound? can you clap with one hand?

lost it

errr......anybody noticed that i seem to have lost my story-telling abilites in this new (ok, maybe not that new) blog? *scratching head* i wonder why.

did the cat get my tongue? *looking high and low, flipping sofa covers and carpets* can anybody do a quick consultation with the stars and the horoscopes, check to see if something is not aligned or perhaps i've stepped on some dead author's tail...?

my mind is a blank.

*sob sob* i'm not witty anymoreeeeeee!!!!!!

today's the day

there are some moments in our life.....some stories of our days....that is better if we keep to ourselves. because we want to treasure the memories a little longer? because it is less complicated? because even we ourselves are not sure of how to tell it.

today's a day of inner conflict. a day of sadness..... and relief.

a day of memories.

mid-life

note from author: perhaps some of my readers may not be able to identify with this post, seeing that the general demographic age is lower than the author :-p don't worry. come back in a few years' time and re-read it. maybe it'll make more sense then.

the hardest thing about growing old....er (stop laughing, zewt!) is not having a manual for a guide. a step-by-step book telling you what to expect all the way, what to look out for, which potholes to avoid. maybe that's why they say that the old is golden..because they give you sound advice on what to expect....but many of us do not have that luxury.

the entertainment industry has made the word 'mid-life crisis' sound like a dirty word...a time when you hit the panic button and don't know which way you want your life to head. a time when you feel lost and question the priorities in your life. you've all seen it....a sure sign is when somebody buys a red porshe (how cliche) or has an affair with someone many moons their junior. i've listened to the same tune over and over again from people in that stage of their life (the figures are high up there, together with the infidelity of married men. actually, i think the two may be related.). it seems inevitable. it seems sad. that so many souls feel lost when they hit their mid 30's to 40's, do things that jeopardise all the effort that they have put in their lives. people that were so full of confidence, so resolute in their stride...suddenly wondering whether this is what they want out of life, taking stock of their achievements. i see it in everybody around me, in around the same age group at least. it's there...if you can't see it, you're not stripping off enough layers. it saddens me, both because of empathy and personal experience.

by chance, i came across a little article in a catalogue. finally i understood. it's just a stage of life. a part of what you have to go through at this point of your life, pretty much like sagging skin and drooping body parts. which isn't all bad because it helps you take stock of your life...makes you think what you want to do for the rest of your life. it doesn't negates what you have done in the earlier part of your life, just defines how you want the latter part to be. a little like a wake-up call. a little like another brand new start.

i want to rip out that article. i want to laminate it and hang it where i can see it everyday. i want it to remind me of how i can still be the best that i want to be. i want it to tell me that everyday is a new beginning.

bicycling

monday thoughts

my post for today?

nothing deep, ramblings mostly....a little of this, a little of that.

friday was an unusual day. spent the earlier part of the day preparing for a prestigious (depends on whose opinion, actually) function, the latter part experiencing it and the final part whining about it. perhaps i should have spent more attention and time on the preparation ......but i couldn't garner enough excitement for the part.

rubbed shoulders with the cream of the society.....a place i know not for me. i survived the humiliation, the pretence, the coldness and the back-stabbing.....and came away with a relief that it is over and a great headache. another page for my memories......though i'm not quite sure i'll actually bother to remember it a little way down my path.

can't describe the feeling i brought away with me. everybody who went there.....had a motive of their own, none of which was for the cause of the day. some attended for their own glory, some networking, others obligation.....mine filiality. no one listened with their hearts to the voice that cried to be listened. everybody was excited over the wrong reasons....myself included.....and that was sad. it didn't matter what the cause of the day was....they would have been there anyhow....i would have been there anyhow. kind of makes the event meaningless...but maybe i'm asking for too much. it's better to have been heard, for whatever reasons each and all attended, rather than never to have been heard at all.

monday.......

we get inspiration in the strangest place. today, mine appeared in an article in a retail chain's catalogue. go figure. brought a little clarity to the darkness; threw a little light on my path.

i'll share it with you another day.

infected

have pity on this poor little lady.

i'm sick......again.

there must be something fundamentally wrong with my body's natural immunity....to be able to catch a virus so easily and so frequently. maybe it's the extreme weather we have been getting; the alternate raging thunderstorms and hot afternoons. maybe it's some infected poultry i have ingested. truthfully speaking, i think it's the company i've been keeping, the riff-raff (:-p) roaming in the blogosphere, the people of questionable hygiene practice. (:-p)

anyway, i'm down. with the blogivitis syndrome. caught from two (!) 'so-called' gentlemen too,would you believe it? i don't know who they spend their nights with, but from the sound of their syndrome, they have it bad, especially the old itchy one. (haha)


what are the syndromes?


1. first thing after breakfast, i turn on the computer, sexy (or frumpy, depending on my mood) pyjamas and all. and i sit there until roots start to grow from under my legs.

2. when i'm sad, the first person i turn to is my blog. only after i finish ranting in my blog am i fit to be admissable back into society. the head physician, i mean supervisor, of the ....erm hospital that i reside in prescribes a daily dose of blogging as a way to vent my er..........delusions.

3. i nourish my work, letting the pile of work grow taller and bigger before i attend to it. that's what i tell my boss. meanwhile, to keep me amused whilst it is in the process of growing, i blog.

4. i start my excel programme, click to check my comments, open a file, click to check my comments again, pick up my pendrive, click to check my comments again, insert my pendrive, click to check my comments again.....you get the drift.

5. i write 'professional blogger' as part of my resume. (ok, ok, i don't have any resume.)

6. when i talk to somebody, i think..."is this interesting enough to blog?".

7. when i do something, i think....."is this interesting enough to blog?"

8. when i see something, i think....."is this interesting enough to blog?"

9. when i eat something, i think....."hmmmm, this is yummy!" haha. don't play play with food man! ok, this point is irrelevant to my syndromes.

10. when i'm inspired, i write many articles and store it ......for days when my brain is clogged. so kiasu.

11. sometimes, i think i have 3 children. little miss 8yo, little master 6yo and little bloggy 1yo.

12. my blog is even more demanding than my kids!

13. when i'm sick, the best medicine is blogging. when i'm healthy, the best pasttime is blogging.

14. when i'm bored, i ramble aimlessly on the blog.....pretty much like i'm doing now.

15. i'm juggling four blogs and it's feeling like chicken shit.....of course, it helps that i don't update the others quite as often :-)

16. i attack other bloggers' comment box with multiple entries when i'm bored.

17. i bought a little laptop to blog on the go.

18. but i never leave the computer at home because i'm too busy blogging.

19. when i wake up in the middle of the night, i'm itching to get infront of the computer to write down my inspirations.

no. 20? what do you think i am? a condemned certified hopeless blogger?! i've got a life too, you knowwwww *flips hair*


let me tell you one more thing.....come closer.............and .........a.......................at.............................



ATCHOO!

you are infected!



1. awfully articulate annie

2. moody martian monty

3. juicy jumping jonzz

4. kind knockout king's wife

5. and brilliant bonkers bernard. (i'm wondering...does he think blog when he does operation??!! scary! )

go, spread the disease!

and guys................ next time, have your medical examination certs ready to prove good health before stepping in my blog, puhleaseeeeee!

dream house

there is this house...........more accurately, this shop along jln maarof that is my absolute dream house. each time that i drive past, i try to sneak a peek........but i often forget. lost in my thoughts, i drive past and only remember to look up when it is too late.

today, i remembered.....in the nick of time. i saw that place again.

it's beautiful.

a little like life.........

sometimes, caught in our everyday lives, we forget to look for our dreams. we bend our heads down to the grind that is our routines. somewhere, something reminds us of our forsaken dreams......

we look up..............just to catch it passing by.

yesterday, this post would have ended here. today.... i added a new ending......

don't fret. life's still treating us good :-)

we make new dreams.

funny.

how our moods affect the way we see things.

deep thoughts

i'm thinking...............




i'm thinking............










i've forgotten what i was thinking of!

what do you like most about yourself?

a long long time ago, someone asked....what do you like the most about yourself? i would look at myself in the mirror, checking out my eyes, nose, hands, legs....all parts of my body to see which i am most contented with.

looking back, my vision somewhat clearer with age now and not clouded with all things material and short-lived, i realise that i loved my laughter the most. which goes hand-in-hand with that smile. the one with all my teeth showing. it is what i find most attractive about myself.

it is also what i miss the most now.

why is it that we find laughter more elusive as we grow older? will i grow into a sulking, pouting old nanny? i want there to be creases at the corner of my eyes, fine lines that remind us of how happy our lives had been. i want to hear the gasping sound of my own perverted laughters.

is there less to laugh at now...

or is it just me?

thoughts on tuesday

today, the only workable parts of my body are my fingers. hence, i can still blog :-p

in anticipation of a dinner date tonight, which failed to materialise in the end (*rolls eyes* all this for nothing?!), we swapped tuesday yoga with a more advanced class yesterday evening. easy peasy, considering we've been doing this for more than a year now.....or so we thought. we should have known....after taking a two weeks break from the class, common sense told us we should have eased back into the routine. ego took the better hand though.

i feel like this today.......







it's already the month of june.....halfway into the year.

everywhere i look, i hear very inspirational stories of what people have done with their lives. look at bill gates. with his billions, he is doing so much to help so many less fortunate people. look at bill clinton. he uses his fame to bring attention to others who seek help. perhaps those are great people, destined to live a great life. there are thousands out there, maybe even millions, with or without the financial backing, who are giving back to society and making their mark on the world.

on a less prominent note perhaps, i see interviews of couples who make an effort to adopt orphaned children from third world countries........couples who could have their own children if they wanted but chose to give love to the abandoned children. i see well-to-do women who could spend their days manicuring and attending tea parties but instead chose to devote their time to fight for charity. i see all these magnanimous people out there.....and i look at myself. i feel ashamed....to have done nothing.

at this point in my life, i feel empty. i'm too tired, emotionally and mentally. i have nothing to give. i have no love left inside to spare, much as i want to. writing out a cheque for the nearest worthwhile cause seems so lame......so inadequate.

i wish one day, i will have enough resources inside of me again, to give and to love. one day, when my heart is full again..........

wishy washy

please consider yourself privileged....that you are here to witness me making a very important decision today. it's fate, you and me, that you come just when i am embarking on this significant and momentous occasion.

my stomach is growling. i don't quite fancy the prospect of going down to join the other 5 rowdy children for yet another greasy meal. then again, it's so much easier than venturing out on my own and....worse, coming up with the decision of what to eat for lunch!! marmalade's yummy salad? a simple chawan mushi somewhere? hmmmm...i'm drooling for the freshly-made springy soba that i had in singapore last week.....but they don't have a branch here. *pout* where, where, should i go? i need to find some presents for two couples getting married and a friend whose birthday is next week too. sigh! a world of making decisions, of which i am the worst at.

i'm getting weak with hunger. i can't hold on to my sanity any longer, much less my powers of reasoning. where, where, should i go for lunch? 1-u? marmalade? bangsar village 2? midvalley? (with their traffic, are you kidding??!?!) is that why i got married? so that i can pass the load of decision-making to him :-) then again, i didn't have any problem coming up with solutions then. maybe it's the years of passing the buck to him that have usurped me of my decision-making skills.

the longer i'm here babbling, the less strength i will have left to come up with a decision, a sane one at least. if i leave it anymore, i may come up with the clever idea of going to ipoh for chicken rice. *rolls eyes*

ok, that's it! i'm going out for lunch. the question is.......where? *looking forlorn*

Answer: i went to the Curve for mee siam and metrojaya for some gift vouchers.

Rate: not the most brilliant idea i had. the mee siam triggered off some gastric pains...sigh!

epilogue: can you believe that you actually read a very boring post about some indecisive person trying to make up her mind on where to eat for lunch?! are you that bored?! comeon!!! i was bored enough to write it.....but you must be even more bored to read it till the end! haha!

with love, we can win the battle

i averted looking into the eyes of the people in the room, picked a spot and walked straight to it. comfortably sitted in the corner of the room, slowly.... i looked around.


the people there looked like any other......like you and me. a little thin perhaps, some of them. then again, why shouldn't they look like us? after all, cancer is not selective in its choice of victims. it is a little humbling, and a little depressing, to know that all the people in the room, save for the family members accompanying them and the staffs, are all cancer patients. even that young boy, who had a whole bright future ahead of him...until cancer struck him.

overheard snippets of conversation...."yes, but to hear that it has spread.......", "....i rather take only one week's medication. i need to find a place to hide these medicines from the children."..... it leaves a sour taste in the mouth and a heavy rock in my heart. :-( people like you and me, with families who love them so, who will be lost if they leave....

they all have that same determined and courageous glint in their eyes. some a little beaten, some a little tired, but all with the same confidence and acceptance in their stride. by comparison, i look even more lost. perhaps they are doing a very good disguise of hiding their fear?

my glance rested on an old lady. she was accompanied by an old man. he looked strong, not in physical strength but in his soul. he looked like he knew what he was doing, where he was going and why he was staying. i'm glad that she has a companion to walk down this long and frightening road with her, to be her pillar of strength when she falters.

some came with an army of family members. blessed are them, to be surrounded with so much love at this time of need. i'm quite sure that love makes a difference in fighting this battle.

others came alone, sitting quietly for their turn at the chemo machine. physically, i'm sure they can manage it. however, mentally, wouldn't it be better if they knew that there was someone out there waiting for them, someone who cared whether they won the battle, someone who will be devastated if they gave up? where was that someone in their life right now? slaving behind an office desk? tied to commitments by ball and chain? anger bubbled within me. i looked away.

miss me?

ok. call off the hound dogs, the armies and the hovering helicopters. i am back.

today marks the last day of my two weeks of servitude (:-p). fourteen days of cutting, marinating, boiling, slicing, cooking, steaming, peeling, frying, toasting ....and then there were those things outside of the kitchen (mention that and some cheeky fellow's mind will immediately jump to the bedroom! sighhhh!)

it does not quite constitute as a holiday....eventhough i managed to find time to do the things that other tourists do...like visit the zoo (yes, i know, how cliche! but i've got kids to keep happy, you knowwwwwww!) and the singapore discovery centre (if i had known that, true to its' name, the place was all about discovering singapore, i wouldn't have gone there, believe me!!). maybe the mood was wrong...maybe the schedules...it wasn't the 'i'm on holiday', beachy type of feeling. the pressure was immense, the mood grim....

there was plenty of opportunity to blog.....but the damn thing (the computer) didn't call my name. it sat there, looking lazily at me whilst my fingers floated above the keyboard. blogging is very much a mental state of mind, i now learn. even with all the time on my hands, a computer at my beck and call, the ambience has to be just right. to open up my heart and listen to my brain....the latter of which i believed i had accidentally cleaned and neatly zip-locked into the freezer after one of my frequent trips to the supermarket for grocery shopping.

....and therein lies the story of why i went missing for the last two weeks. i accidentally froze my brain.