fiction

i grew up on a very healthy dose of hong kong's cantonese tv series; some will even call it an overdose. it's also how i picked up the language. being the only daughter in an over-protective prison, those escapades into the imaginary world helped maintain my sanity. i've even imagined myself to be miss hongkong, god knows how since i'm born and bred malaysian, until i blossomed and bloomed into something short of miss hong kong material, that is.

the tv series are usually long, from 20 to 30, or even 60 episodes. inevitably i fall into the trap of being too familiar and too attached to the characters.

he was like a modern day prince charming, their love story most touching, with the sacharrin sweetness and heart-wrenching fallouts that is typical of all tv romances. they were infatuated with each other since their teens, without the other knowing of the crush. he was going to let her know, she moved away before he had the chance. fast forward many years later, they met again by chance. after many romantic and touching scenes, they opened up their hearts and started their romance. as time passed, the man grew complacent and was tempted by someone new, someone attractive. he made one single mistake. she found out, of course, and couldn't find it in her heart to forgive him. he realised, albeit a little too late, that she was still his one true love. he stayed by her side, protecting her, helping her, being there for her eventhough he knows she cannot forgive him. he doesn't want to force her because he doesn't want to see her shed another tear for him. years of being there for her, it finally touched her. she forgave him....but before she gets to tell him, he met with an accident. and die.

he died! goddammit! the character that i was getting so attached to died! it's funny because i still see the actor in other movies and i know he's alive and kicking. yet, it's not the actor that i have formed an attachment to. when i see him in other movies, the feeling of familiarity is not there. it's only to that particular character in that particular movie. it's a very strange feeling, being attached to someone that does not exist, that is unreal and is a figment of some writer's imagination. something that you cannot grasp with your hand or touch. yet, it's all there in your mind.

a little like modern day romance, don't you think? some of us fall in love with what we imagine our partners to be (then try our hardest to change them into what we want, but that's beside the point). we hardly know the person from a couple of meetings and yet we're head over heel. we only know they make our hearts palpitate and ours hands perspire, something so intangible yet we call it love. such a love that some are willing to sacrifice decades of marriage or parental trust to get more of it. we put them on a pedestal and imagine them to be the greatest, the loveliest, the kindest when the truth may be miles away. we are in love with an image, a fiction of our own imagination.

i once received such a letter from a friend who was thousands of miles away, claiming to be amorous of me. my first thought was....do you even know me at all? i for one definitely do not know anything about him, despite the fact that we have been friends since primary school. more like acquaintances, perhaps. needless to say, he was not given a chance. it sounded fake, immature and insincere even. i had no intention of living out his dreams.... or spending the rest of my life peering down from my pedestal.