if you are born and bred in this part of the world, chances are you have heard of the shaolin kungfu's 18 movements, with very silly names like "whirling horse stance", "moving at night, hit the enemy", "the iron buffalo ploughs the field" and what have you. kungfu experts wannabe would have memorised these names by hard and shouted them out at their 'opponents' as they punched, kicked and danced.
however, there are some moves that have been shrouded in secrecy for centuries, simply because they are all too powerful and consuming. it has been practiced primarily by the female sex and is restricted only to special quarters, under closed-room conditions, away from curious peering eyes.
some of you may know that i am a qualified martial expert, from my brief but very orgasmic discipline with the qigong master. he has revealed to me the moves that has been hidden for centuries, the ones that are extremely useful in dire circumstances. for the benefit of all my readers, i shall reveal them here. i shall probably be kicked out from the sect for this act of indiscretion....but for the general good, i shall persist.
ladies, listen carefully, as these moves may become very useful. men, proceed with care. for all, only practice when you are in very dirty toilets, which is actually a given in our country.
Move No. 1 - the hover.
the act is to simply pretend that there is an invisible chair above the w.c. you squat in midair and release your bladder (or bowel, if the condition is more serious) as fast as you can. it will help if you can increase the pressure of the emission. standing up halfway is a serious no-no and will result in the disciple going amok.....or having very wet pants.
Move No. 2 - the squat
this move is mainly for those who have weak knees and are unable to perform the above. the disciple will have to climb above the seat and squat as she/he performs the necessary task. it is important to note that this move will cause the seat to be extremely soiled and guarantee that all subsequent users will have to practice one of the moves but where one is left with no choice, proceed if necessary. those who wish to perform the more serious type of emission should also practice this move, unless the disciple already has very strong thigh muscles.
Move No. 3 - the layer
for this, the disciple has to be equipped with many apparatus; mainly pocketfuls of tissue papers. stretch your fingers, crack your knuckles....and lay as many tissue as you can around the toilet seat before you lose grip on your bladder control. the disadvantage of this move, however, is that there is a tendency for the tissue papers to fly away when you swiftly move your butt to the seat in desperation and you end up sitting on the extremely *barfffff* dirty toilet seat. do not use this move unless you have much practice at home and are very skilled in the process.
Move No. 4 - the cleaner
similar to the above, the disciple has to be equipped with many apparatus for practising this, even more actually. you will have to bring along some disinfectant spray, a pair of gloves, some wet tissues, some dry tissues and some perfumed aerosol. if you find it absolutely necessary, you can bring along an metal scrub and a bleach. firstly, put on your gloves, pour the bottle of bleach and promptly use the metal scrub to get the dirt out. then use the wet tissue to wipe off the layer of grime, dirt and spots of whatever leftovers (?!) on the seat. then use the disinfectant to clean one more time to ensure that the seat is hygienic and lastly, use the dry tissue to wipe the seat so that your bum will not be wet and unpleasant when you sit down. do not forget to use the perfumed aerosol to create a very condusive and pleasant environment. a point to note, discard all materials after one use. the items would have been too contaminated to bring with you. the next user of the toilet will be eternally grateful to you.
go forth, my dear disciples, and practice the movements that have been taught to you.
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7 comments:
hahahahahaaaa.... good moves. I'm sure you are going to conquer the martial world and become a "mou lam mang ji"
i only know one move.
"old man pushing the cart"
You left out the ultimate move:
"The Turtle Technique"
As the lowly turtle carries its home wherever it goes, so the disciple brings his personal toilet seat around the world.
now this is what i called witti-ness.... but please spare the squat... i understand a certain type of people are master of it... regardless of whether the toilet is dirty or otherwise.
keep doing the hover... you know... as age catches up... knees tend to be weak.
Wait! I beg to differ! In the shaolin annals of the 56th abbot, you can still execute move no. 1-Hovering by standing up halfway.
All one needs to do is to spread one's lips.
*grin*
dear ah pek: i think "old man pushing the cart" belongs to another sect, another group of kungfu! you only know of one move? who are you kidding, old man? with your frequent visits to hatyai?!! i'm sure you are a master of all the moves alreadyyyyyy *wink*
dear jonzz: i shudder at the thought of bringing my waste wherever i go. no matter how you clean it, the personal toilet is not an appealing accessory. hehe.
dear zewt: i told you i was...only too tired and uninspired to be most of the time. :-p actually, one toilet in my parents' old house was the old squatty type, so i'm quite familiar with that skill...but i guess that's too much info for you. kakaka.
yes, thank you for reminding me of my age. people say that newly-wed men will also be very weak in the knees. you can look forward to that very soon. :-p
dear cocka: i think my imagination is not powerful enough....or maybe i'm not experienced enuf. i can't visualise what you're trying to tell me :-p *closing ears with hands* mummmmmmmmyyyyy, there's a pervert in my blog!! *grins*
Me, read carefully leh! I wrote 'Toilet SEAT', not 'Toilet'.
dear jonzz : yakyakyakyak..how true. but if you think the toilet seat will not have bits and pieces of leftovers, you're fooling yrself. hahaha. *pinching nose* still smelly!....but actually, u know babies have portable and foldable potties? the catchment part is a plastic bag...which is disposable. cool hor?
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