attraction distraction

i've been doing a lot of running around, trying to fit elephant-sized activities and schedules into ant-sized timetables. this, that, here, there, forgive me if i appear frenzied and i lose my train of thoughts midway. huh? what was i talking about again? i know, i know, so cliche. *rolls eyes* zero points for pathetic effort.

why do i do my best writing when i am in the car, miles away from the nearest wifi connection and my trusted laptop? perhaps there is something inspirational about landscape zipping by and enclosed spaces. i have half a mind to carry this keyboard, the monitor and the heavy cpu into the car with me right now (forget the laptop, i like the feel of the big steady keyboard) and start punching the keys, if only there was some way of hooking it up to the car generator.

i'm waffling because i lost the train of thoughts for the above topic.

attraction. what draws one party to another? from the male perspective first, since it is fairly short and can be covered in 20 seconds. the fact that it is a female scores 50 points with the general male population. the fact that it is alive and breathing scores another 10. bingo if it's of the human persuasion, that's another 20points in the pocket. the final 20 marks differ from person to person, depending on whether they are a kfc-thigh person, a mummy's milk-deprived boobs person, a shallow callow (rhyming pun was intended) face person or a pretentious i'm-only-interested-in-the-inner-you bum person. i must apologise. i'm wrong. i covered that in 10 seconds only. such is the complexity of the male attraction way of things.

as for the ladies, and i'm speaking for myself personally now since there is no way i can speak for the complicated and fickle species as a whole, it's not as clear cut and definitely not what the opposite species figured. your bum? we wouldn't know until you strip, and even then i have no idea what is considered a cute bum. perky? big? flat? toned? burned to a crisp? i have no particular craving of looking at anyone's smelly exterior.

your muscular arms then? when i think muscular, i think body-building t-shirt muscle-bulging weights-squashed squatty neckless men. i'm sure some ladies loveeeee those but i can't see anything attractive about them. not that they aren't attractive i should quickly add, for i don't want my puny blog to be squashed like a french fry in their muscle-bound fingers.

how about those potential glossy-pages-advertisement-model lookalike, who with a flick of their long fringe and a wink of their dreamy (and glassy) eyes send teenage boopers into a screaming frenzy? i don't know, i'm not a double glazed sweet-till-you-puke chocolate sprinkled donuts type of person. i prefer the whole-grain herb bun with balsimic vinegar and extre virgin olive oil dip. things that look pretty are pretty for a reason. that's my wise philosophy for this week (quick, get a pen and jot it down).

it's the brain then, definitely the brain. if that were so, stephen hawking will have women queuing up from his wheelchair to zimbabwe (maybe he IS in zimbabwe at this moment?!), all staring into his eyes as their mind reel in giddy circles over the words he spouts. hello? does any normal female honestly comprehend even 10% of what he says? i'll pretend to be highly-intelligent and says i do and then i'll have an excuse for not being pretty.

his bank account? i understand some people find the mouldy smelly hundred dollar bills (that's as big as it gets in this country, sorry. if we were discussing this last decade, i could have entertained you with visions of a sexy five hundred and even a horny one thousand dollar bill) very attractive. i, for my life, can't understand why. what's so sexy about a flat, touched-by-a-million-herpes-infected hands, rectanglular shaped paper? give me a ten thousand of that and it's still ten-thousand herpes-infected bum-scratched bacteria-lined paper.

when we were young (and so shallow) the answer was easy. dimples. cute smile. twinkling eyes that sing poetry. it's probably hormones working. now that we are older and still so very shallow, dimples and cute smiles matter less, especially when the loose folds of the aging skin of mr dynamite cover the dimples. now i think a sense of humour is most attractive. someone who can stimulate. the mind, i am talking about the mind (sheesh). someone who has wit. comes hand in hand with intelligence, i guess but intelligence by itself is so dry and we all know that dryness hurts. someone who can make you laugh.

imagine long silky hair, smooth legs to the chest, big round doll eyes, body to die for. you approach her and ask her for the time, anything to start the conversation, you are desperate. she opens her mouth and says, 'tiiiiiiimmmmme ah? i lon know oh. i lo beling my piu lah.' in the most ah lian manner you can think of. or perhaps, 'tttttttttt...hhhhhhhheeeeeeeee......the....the......theee....tttttt...tttttiii......ttttttiiiime ......". well, you can imagine the rest, it'll take at least another hour for me to finish typing that sentence. or at the very least, in the sweetest voice that even the bee will faint from the syrupy tone, 'time? let me look. the big hand is pointing at 4, the small hand is pointing at 6....i am sorry, i don't know how to tell time. i told daddy to get me the...you know, number type, the one that shows' ...bla bla bla, i've lost interest in continuing to play the dumb blonde. how attractive is that? *thumps head* i forgot! i was addressing the male species as well. yes, most men will go 'what's so unattractive about all that? what are you talking about? she fulfills the female, breathing and human category'. yes, my fault. i should have addressed the female category.

as i was saying, if an attractive man opens his mouth and gave me the above delivery, i will faint. after i roll my eyes, run to the nearest drain, vomit and roll on the floor laughing until my sides split, that is. humour! wit! the drier, in this case, the better. we want to laugh all the way to the grave. please don't rush to the bookstore for that latest copy of 'hundreds of puns and other side-splitting jokes'. either you have it or you don't. this is something you can't pretend. see those tall, miss universe lookalikes with paunchy short ugly men on their hands? now you know why. no, the fact that they are rich have absolutely nothing to do with it.