being slow is the new cool

i'm so tired all the time, because i stress myself out. i don't know why i do it. but you're just a housewife, some people who don't get it scoffs. how stressed can it be? i'm beyond explaining. i'm beyond trying to justify what it is that i do, how i live my life and the things that go around me.

but it's more than just the load, it's the attitude. being typical type a doesn't help one iota. and a textbook perfectionist, coupled with the ever critical virgoan personality adds to the cake. whenever i have the time to just stop, i realise my shoulders are all tensed up. infront of the desk, sitting at lunch, taking a breather. anytime, anywhere.

i hurry to all my destinations, rushing like a mad woman and flooring the pedal when i'm behind the wheels. i don't get what it's all about. being late for the next thing on my schedule won't kill me. but it drives me crazy. i can't be late without being stressed out. i can stop everything i was doing, leave earlier and plan for a little more slack in between, but that will mean i will arrive too early with too much time to spare, leaving me free and unproductive. which stressed me out also. i need to be doing something, business or pleasure, anytime of the day. see? it's a no win game. i stress myself out either way.

i can say no to so many things, instead of driving myself crazy trying to be a good everything to everybody. but then, that will not be me. i try to accomodate all demands, until i'm exhausted to the brink and just flop flat on my face. that's when i say no, when it's physically or mentally impossible to go on anymore. and still i think i don't do enough, i don't listen enough, i don't care enough, i'm not there enough. there's that devil side inside me that's craving for some attention of our own, some time to pamper, to indulge and to soothe our inner self, which actually complicates the picture and plunge me into further guilt.

lately, it has become more than just a couple of incidents, or a facet of my days. it has become a lifestyle. i can't even eat without shoving everything down my throat within 5 minutes flat. forget the 'chew 50 times for each mouthful' theory. i'm lucky if i even put down the utensils for one second. after each meal i'm filled with so much remorse, i swear that i'll behave the next meal. but it's only after each meal that i get it. i'm trying so hard. really, i am. i want to savour each bite and slow down. but it's like being possessed by the devil come mealtimes. which led to my recent choking incident with the untailed prawn. *sigh* it's another long story. some one should feed me like a little hamster. give me one small cut of food every 2 minutes and when i'm finished chewing that, give me another small cut. my life is ridiculous.

i need to slow down. i need to stop driving myself crazy. i leave things to the very last minute so that i'll get all hyped up trying to do it. i don't understand what this is all about.