paradise in your mind

i'm much better now, thank you, after spiking a fever at 39.2, spending sleepless nights on the throne and being dehydrated akin to an egyptian mummy, though i don't seem to see many people asking. i guess when you still have your sense of humour, you don't gather much sympathy.

another new day, another beginning.

someone recently asked whether i see new zealand as a place to settle in.

putting aside the worst last two days i've ever spend during vacation, with spats, or more accurately galores of bad luck one after another, new zealand on the whole is a very beautiful country. serenity, picturesque natural beauty, big open spaces, clear fresh air, tempting lamb chops and rib eye steaks covering every inch of land and definitely green green grass. whether the grass is greener on that side is a matter of opinion, and perspective.

like many others, i've grown very weary of the situation in our home country, much much more than anyone who knows me can imagine. i'm so sick of listening to the whiny political hypocrisies , pathetic stories of our police force who have long forgotten about duty, honour and pride in that honorable role as protector of innocent citizens, the double-standards (or is it triple?) that we have gotten so used to that we hardly bat our eyes anymore and don't expect any less, or any more. so many more that it will take a long thesis to complete the list. so many that i try not to think of it lest the angst of it all gives me a tumour.

a house overlooking the clearest bluest ocean water i've seen for some time, it's definitely a picture of life i've imagined for retirement. people who are leisurely and easy-going, which will probably cause me to have a stroke now but will probably be just right when i'm old and grey, though i seriously doubt my impatience will ever temper down (must admit though that new zealanders aren't exactly a very friendly lot but they warm up when your sincerity shines through). it's a place where your blood will be most unlikely to boil and your life expectancy lengthen. it's a place where you'll appreciate the beauty of nature. it's a place i've seen in my day-dreams and one i've seriously considered retiring to when the time is right.

however, this trip has taught me something new.

wise people say to be careful what you wish for because you may just get it. i see the glimmer of truth in the old adage. it's a very beautiful country, without a doubt, eventhough everything is so damn far and travelling is murder. but i cannot imagine myself to be staring into the deep blue ocean 24-7, 365 days a year, year in year out. or curl up with a good book. or take a walk in the park. or sit at the outdoor cafe from dawn to dusk. or going to one art gallery after another. every single day. yawn! it's all good and great when i'm all intensed like now and the break seems like a gift from heaven. but when i'm old and grey, and i have nothing but time infront of me. time, time and more time. before i drop dead, that is. i don't want to spend my remaining life staring at the ocean, doing nothing productive, letting one day merge with another until i can't tell one year from another. what did i do in 2020? was it the year i baked the triple layer cake? or was that 2022? no, i think that was when i spend the entire day riding on the bus. get the drift? if it's near the end, i'll like to go with a bam, not withering and molding like some forgotten piece of wood. if i'm able, that is. i've already spent a few of my 36 years hibernating in what can only be termed as existence. i don't intend it to be a life story.

almost everybody imagines a beautiful paradise as their final destination for retirement. but are you willing to settle for half a life when you know the time you have left isn't going to be an eternity? it's almost like waiting out your time until the big hooded faceless man with the .... (what do you call that thing he's holding anyway???? sickle?) comes a-knocking on your door.

i've seen my grandfather sitting around the dining table, day after day, as part of his daily routine. that or sitting on the back verandah for a change of pace. the dates changed, the picture remained the same. days merged into years. i've seen my grandmother sit like a limp doll on her wheelchair when she was recuperating from a broken hip, waiting forlornly for a visit from her loved ones. waiting, waiting, waiting.

i want to live my life. i want to go where there are things to do, meaning in my existence. it may not be here. it may be. who knows what the future will hold.

maybe it's just my restlessness, as usual.