the most irritating man ever

i walked past the door. damn! he was sitting there, with 6 empty beer cans already in front of him. he did not leave a good impression last year, with his drunken slur and antagonistic small talk. last year i was stupid, sitting there naively like a still target, on the receiving end of many of his barbs. this year i was adamant on avoiding him.

i smiled weakly, offered some new year greetings and made a beeline to the room. i hid in the bomb shelter for the longest time, watching the children play wii games and even caught a short nap. when i could hide no more, when the sun started to set, i made an appearance. he was still there! doesn't this guy have some place else to go? not wanting to be rude, i sat down for a little while. i couldn't regret fast enough.

'you have a problem with me!', he shot out even before my bum touched the chair. how does he know that?! does drunkeness bring a heightened sense of awareness? i DO have a problem with him. can i punch his lights out? pretty please? with sugar and spice and everything nice? or maybe just pull his tasteless rusty bronze coloured hair? i feigned ignorance. 'huh?' he 'huh'ed me back, but in such a mocking irritating way that my hand was starting to itch. ya, i don't like you, so i much rather prefer hanging out in the room then getting into a fight with you. can? my brother-in-law quickly made up the excuse of my being very sick and tired, which to all account is very true. i coughed a little to add substance to the claim. 'alllllllllrightttttttt!', which to this day i can still hear ringing in my ears, the very word which makes me shiver right down to the toes. 'i'll come visit you in malaysia'. now he is resorting to threats??? pleaseeee, i'll sooner migrate and leave all my roots behind first. i rather choose the dungeon torture treatments than stay under the same roof with him. sure, come over, whilst i have visions of planning my fastest escape route.

i was saved from five minutes of conversation with him whilst he randomly interjected into other people's conversation, topics of which he had no idea, with comments that had neither meaning nor point. i watched whilst others valiantly tried to respond. 'huh? what are you saying?' 'empty hall'. 'what empty hall?' 'empty hall'. 'how do you mean?' after a few more tries, he realised his drunken stupor and immediately changed the topic. when is he leaving? when is he leaving? i can't listen to anymore of the verbal abuse he is spewing to his wife. how does that woman do it anyway, pretend that she can't hear him telling her to get lost? a man that abuses his wife when he is drunk, verbal or physical, is not worth staying for. she meekly toddles of to the kitchen for another can of beer for him. hello? is he not drunk enough? is he not delirious enough?

he started calling everybody dumbwitted. he is dumbwitted, he is even more dumbwitted, but she (meaning me!) is the most dumbwitted. father-in-law, can i scratch his eyes out yet? or pour a nice hot cup of tea....... on his lap? it's manners to offer tea to our guests, isn't it? supposedly i was dumbwitted because i was always smiling pleasantly. ha! i would rather have frowned or stuck my tongue out at him but that would reflect so badly on me. i was also supposedly dumbwitted to have chosen my hubby. yes, yes but your wife would have been insane and retarded to have chosen you. maniac.

he then buggered me to introduce lady friends to a nice bachelor in the group. i would love to, if he comes to malaysia, i replied. to which he asked me to introduce lady friends to him. not even if it was the last day on earth and he is the last man. sure, sure. how hypocritical i can be. his meek wife sat quietly beside. have some backbone, lady! give him a hit on the head with some 14 gallon pot or skewer him with some satay sticks. don't sit there quietly listening to that shit.

it was very close to dinner time. please don't tell me he is staying for dinner! i went about preparing the things for low sang, a tradition which we have exported there. his wife was intrigued by the colourful arrangements and stepped closer to ask. i was in the middle of explaining to her the ingredients and the arrangements when that rusted copper hair drunken man stepped in the middle and rudely interrupted the conversation, asking her to 'die off'. step closer so that i can shred your fingers with the carrot, please. he tried to make conversation with his very limited command of english. "is this peanut and 'chee ma'?" "yes, peanut and sesame." "oh, peanut and chee ma", in that damn fake accent of his. he then kept pushing the ingredients to me, which i kept rejecting because it was only meant to be used at the very end. i think he was digging in his brain for all the english phrases he has used in his life and just spewing forth because i thought i heard something along the line of, 'will you be my mistress?'. this guy is delirious. he reminds me of those drunken sailors along the port. plenty of 'alllllrightttttt' and 'okayyyyyyyy' later, i was ready to be shipped off to the nearest asylum.

finally, and it could not be too soon, his wife reminded him that it was time to leave. to which, she received more verbal abuse. die off, what are you talking about. die off. the hardest part was not listening to his crap but holding my tongue and not retaliating. for however vile his tongue, he has the excuse of being drunk. to stoop to his level would simply be tasteless and crude. and in the presence of my in-laws, to insult their relative, no matter how irritating is way too degrading.

next year, next year i am not going to be around when this particular relative comes a-knocking. hubby, you promised we will not be around.