sea, sand and breeze

been simply too lazy to update. heehee.

hard heart

lately i've been doing the 'should i get an SLR or should i not?' thing to myself a lot. my fascination with beautiful photographs is a known fact but i don't feel comfortable enough to own one of those monster machines yet. it's not the price, it's the responsibilities that come attached. you feel like you have to be able to perform, be able to live up to it when you own of those intimidating-looking cameras.

the other day after dinner, and we were all sitting around having fruits like we normally do, i asked my bro in passing, 'do you have a SLR camera?'. i wanted his opinion on whether nikon was a better investment or canon. he replied, 'you are interested in photography now? you want to borrow? come to my room and i'll pass it to you". ?????? that was followed by my jaw falling to the floor and a wide-gaped mouth so large that flies can make their homes in it.

if you know my bro like i do, you'll know how out of character this is. not that he is selfish or anything like that but, well, his things have always been his. much less his mistress that we are talking about now. and without much pleading, bribing, cajoling or anything of that sort. not taking it half-seriously, i left it at that. when i went up to my room, he called me almost immediately to go to his study. such enthusiasm in giving out his stuffs is never ever seen in this household. meekly i scampered over. he immediately thrusted his mega-looking camera into my hands, followed by a canon-looking sized change of lens (i'll be able to take photos of the man in the moon with that!) and all sorts of accessories, plus manuals and bag. with no reminder thrown over the shoulder of a limited borrowing period. this is getting freakish. somebody stole my brother and replaced it with a similar looking alien! i know my brother and this is not he. helpppppp! he even gave me a short lesson on changing the lens and the basics of using it. the last time i remember him teaching me anything was when he was telling the 7-year old me how stupid i was. well, every sibling relationship rings along that line, so it's nothing to shout about nor new.

the thought of somebody actually being nice to me is really scary. i think i have been so used to all sorts of unfavourable treatments from everybody around me over the years that i have built up such a thick hide, and this genuine display of kindness is immediately ackward and uncomfortable. all i could say was, 'enough, enough', ungracious as it sounds. sarcasm, i can deal with. selfishness, bitching, greediness, unreasonableness, complacency, self-interest, misunderstanding; all these i can handle with ease. people giving me things to exploit their standing or to gain a better foothold, or perhaps because they feel obligated to? i've heard all the stories. presents have become meaningless simply because there is no emotion underlying the materialism. but kindness? sharing? it makes me tremble a little. my cynism has become too mountainous over the years.

thanks bro, eventhough you'll never read this. i promise to take good care of your mistress. i guess blood will always be thicker than water, when all is said and done.

sleepy head

thursday night.

she visited me again. infact she has been visiting me every night, causing me sleepless nights and making me itch everywhere. i would squash her, if i could, but she flies too fast for me. the freezing air-conditioned temperature doesn't seem to dampen her enthusiasm. i've since learnt that if i switch on the bedside lamp, the darn moskie will leave me alone.

so, in the middle of a very itchy night, i woke up scratching and annoyed and turned on the light. the glare must have woken up the stranger next to me. bewildered and half asleep, he turned to me and asked, 'why did you turn on the light? is it the mosquito again?'.

i told him, 'no. i turned on the light so that i can see myself in my dream. it was too dark'. he turned over and went back to sleep.

humour is lost on person who is half conscious.

reflection

the exuberance of the young. the spontaneity. the carefreeness and the gaiety.

that's what i envy about them. not their youth, the smooth glowing skin or the light-speed metabolism. but to laugh like there is no tomorrow, until your side splits and your cheeks hurt. to play, play and play. to say whatever is on your mind, with no fear of repercussions or hurting others. to be innocent and to trust. to have all this cynism obliterated.

my worst legacy to my children is my coolness. my apparent rationality. how sad it is to be an example of logic, of reasoning, of all things proper. my only desire for my children, as children, is to be happy. and healthy, of course. not to mimic some pathetic model of adult behaviour. i remember a moment in time, long long ago, when i promised myself never to be an 'adult'. without realisation, over time that mutation crept up upon me. we are what our surrounding molds us to be, what our experiences teaches us. can we break away from all the unpleasantness and only allow the goodness to seep through? can we be that beautiful lily that grows in the filthy pond? sometimes, i feel i don't have the strength.

how difficult it is to keep a guileless heart.

the bubble girl

Click and Drag the Girl through the Bubbles
www.flashtoybox.com

seen her around? hang out here and play with her for a little while. if she's stuck, click on her to pull her through.

for some strange reason, watching her fall is hypnotic. she's quite life-like; her limbs, the way she moves when she falls, her slightly realistically lumpy body. looks like someone with all the bones in the body broken. as you watch her fall and bounce her here and there out of sheer cruelty, don't you get the strangest feeling that ......maybe she could be real? in another dimension? maybe by making her do strange distortions, someone trapped in a box somewhere, in another world, is being continuously tossed about and tortured? that she has no control of her hands and legs and feel like a puppet trapped within her body? hands up those who watched the truman show? *shivers*

what a ghastly and morbid thought.

i think i'll just let her rest on the bubble for a little while.

what a sweet thing to say

did the technician just flirt with me?

he was standing beside the open door. was he holding the door open for me or waiting for somebody? not bothering either way, i took my time and waddled to the opening. walking past, he said to me, 'good morning. looking great today.' if i could blush, i would have. wow! blew me away, cos i was just about to rush home and change out of this hastily-slapped-together outfit which i threw on before i rushed out in the wee hours this morning. this man has taste! *grins* no reason for me to change out of the outfit now, is there?

a matter of social pleasantries or a well-meaning compliment? who cares!

pick me up

never been much of a fan of tiramisu. didn't quite like the soft mushiness cream that goes into that gooiness that they call a dessert. that is until i tried il divo's. the first authentic tiramisu i've ever tried. with lady fingers that is dipped in coffee, the aromatic liquid gushes into your mouth with every soft and sensuous bite; i was very pleasantly surprised. the coffee itself is very aromatic, to say the least, the layers well defined and the cream just right. the little one nearly wanted to lick the plate, and honestly, so did i. all this while i've just been eating some crazy mixed up poor replication of a tiramisu. at $28 for only two mouthfuls, one if i open it real big, (that's 28 nasi lemak, by the way), it's not quite value for money, but then again, too much of a good thing always spoil it, doesn't it?

i tried the eggplant parmigiana for appetiser, which tasted like lasagna. delicious. but strange. shouldn't eggplant taste like eggplant? apparently not. the chitarrina with clams was also very good; reminded me of maggi mee but a little firmer, a little more springier, but not as 'al dente' as i like it. mr hubs said any more 'al dente' and i would be eating rubber bands. *pout*



what's missing? a glass of white wine.



review: definitely, again.



p/s: stole the picture.