hard heart

lately i've been doing the 'should i get an SLR or should i not?' thing to myself a lot. my fascination with beautiful photographs is a known fact but i don't feel comfortable enough to own one of those monster machines yet. it's not the price, it's the responsibilities that come attached. you feel like you have to be able to perform, be able to live up to it when you own of those intimidating-looking cameras.

the other day after dinner, and we were all sitting around having fruits like we normally do, i asked my bro in passing, 'do you have a SLR camera?'. i wanted his opinion on whether nikon was a better investment or canon. he replied, 'you are interested in photography now? you want to borrow? come to my room and i'll pass it to you". ?????? that was followed by my jaw falling to the floor and a wide-gaped mouth so large that flies can make their homes in it.

if you know my bro like i do, you'll know how out of character this is. not that he is selfish or anything like that but, well, his things have always been his. much less his mistress that we are talking about now. and without much pleading, bribing, cajoling or anything of that sort. not taking it half-seriously, i left it at that. when i went up to my room, he called me almost immediately to go to his study. such enthusiasm in giving out his stuffs is never ever seen in this household. meekly i scampered over. he immediately thrusted his mega-looking camera into my hands, followed by a canon-looking sized change of lens (i'll be able to take photos of the man in the moon with that!) and all sorts of accessories, plus manuals and bag. with no reminder thrown over the shoulder of a limited borrowing period. this is getting freakish. somebody stole my brother and replaced it with a similar looking alien! i know my brother and this is not he. helpppppp! he even gave me a short lesson on changing the lens and the basics of using it. the last time i remember him teaching me anything was when he was telling the 7-year old me how stupid i was. well, every sibling relationship rings along that line, so it's nothing to shout about nor new.

the thought of somebody actually being nice to me is really scary. i think i have been so used to all sorts of unfavourable treatments from everybody around me over the years that i have built up such a thick hide, and this genuine display of kindness is immediately ackward and uncomfortable. all i could say was, 'enough, enough', ungracious as it sounds. sarcasm, i can deal with. selfishness, bitching, greediness, unreasonableness, complacency, self-interest, misunderstanding; all these i can handle with ease. people giving me things to exploit their standing or to gain a better foothold, or perhaps because they feel obligated to? i've heard all the stories. presents have become meaningless simply because there is no emotion underlying the materialism. but kindness? sharing? it makes me tremble a little. my cynism has become too mountainous over the years.

thanks bro, eventhough you'll never read this. i promise to take good care of your mistress. i guess blood will always be thicker than water, when all is said and done.