the smell that evokes a thousand memories

was walking down the hallways when the familiar sterilised smell of the hospital greeted my nose. right, left, front, center, there were many people all around but for a second there, i felt all alone. like the many hours that i have spent by myself in hospitals all over the city, watching over loved ones in pain, anxiety wrecking my body as they are pushed into operation theaters or simply standing beside them as they lay there, motionless, wondering what the future holds. saw them in pain, saw them in fear, saw them in their vulnerability. a phobia is slowly developing inside, of going into hospitals, of breathing in the same familiar smell that tails with it many hours of sadness, anxiety, loneliness and bleakness. a place that could be the harbinger of joyness or sadness, but of recent years, more sadness than joyness. as it stands, almost every famed hospitals in the city already carry my memories within their structures. it's not the how, why, what and when. it's me. i've not learnt how to approach the facts of lives with a nonchalance, an impertubability that will protect the core of me. but how does one become indifferent and at the same time be passionate about life? i don't think i will ever be able to master this.