marriage

i've always thought i don't have much advice for anyone else on what makes a good marriage, despite being married to mr. silly for 13 years. one marriage is so different from another and what works for one may not be the cup of tea for others. the point being that we do the best we can in the circumstance with a given set of conditions, but the road that we walk along to reach that very best varies from one to another.

so, what makes me speak on the matter now? because i feel that i have finally figured out the barest minimum qualification on what makes a good marriage, and i mean this is the lowest acceptable limit.

respect. i never knew what that word was supposed to mean when others say it during their wedding day, infront of hundreds of witnesses.. respect. we all wear that at the tip of our tongue, but what does it mean to respect someone? i promise to obey and respect bla bla bla, the 'obey' part i'm not so crazy about - what are we, the sixteenth century?! but i do believe that at the very least, a husband should not speak badly about his wife in public, to others, and of course vice versa. calling her names, bad-mouthing her or projecting the image that life with her is hell. for some, it may be the very truth and sharing this information with close friends is the only way to get the weight off the chest. but for some, it's a gag, an unhumourous and unwitty line repeated over and over again like a broken record. i cannot understand the point of it for it seems not the least bit funny, nor witty or even endearing. instead of 'honey, you're the apple of my eye', have some graduated to 'she's a monster'? is this the next stage of marriage after the '7 years itch' that i'm not aware of, for if it is please warn me NOW!

from what i see, the men who say it are not exactly cracking their heads trying to get out of this 'worse-than-hell' marriage. they seem comfortable in their marriage. so, why this false masculinity? dissing on someone should not make you a better person, stepping on others do not elevate your confidence. is it a sign of frustration, of trying to tell the other party that it's not working out? then why do my eyes deceive me and i still feel that they are wonderful together? is it that some man cannot spew forth loving terms of endearments and as close as they can get to sweet talks of nothings....is foul expressions? i cringe when i hear someone say badly of their spouse, not simply loving banters of long-married couples, nor jokes meant to tease their little faults, but words said without provocation, labels called for no reason than to hurt. if i am cringing, i wonder how the spouse must be feeling.

however, strangely enough, those marriages that really break down in the end are not those that curse their wives in their desperate attempt at humour, nor those that hold their wives in loving rose-coloured terms of endearment, but rather those that do not speak of their spouses at all. in their eyes, they have stoppped seeing their existence. perhaps those are the saddest of all.