celebratory

an ex-boyfriend offered to buy me lunch in celebration of my birthday.

i don't know what to say to that; i sit here, fingers hovering over the keyboard, not knowing what to type next. inappropriate? i feel not. he is like any other friend now, why can't he offer to buy me lunch? it is harmless at best; it is only treading on dangerous waters if there is even an inkling of anything more. everything that was in the past is in the past. i can't even remember the details of our relationship anymore, be it significant or immaterial. it's like a slate wiped clean. i don't know how i do it, erase everything with such finality and entirety. did i ever like him? how did i like him? i cannot remember. i look into my heart, there is nothing there except a vacant echoing nook.

when i enter into a relationship, i jump in with both feet, totally devoted, totally commited. when things don't work and it ends, i walk out and close that chapter of my life, not looking back, never looking back. i ask myself sometimes, who is he to me but the picture looking back at me is no longer attractive, no more calling my name, like a distant stranger. how i can remove myself with such detachment, i do not know.

sounds cold perhaps. but it feels good. to keep my life so pure and simple.

so, did i accept his invitation? i told him that his intentions are good enough and received, thank you very much.

life should be kept simple. if not for me, then for my partner's peace of mind, eventhough some may argue that he has more faith in me than that, it is the little that i can do for him. what would lunch with a friend bring for me? a gladness that someone remembers. and i already have that.