born like that

...is irritated by how compulsive my personality is. i can't rest easy until i have finished playing that pc game, until all the challenges of each level are met and the screen comes up with 'return to main menu'. it's like i need a perfect finish to each and every task and wrap up the entire thing in a beautifully wrapped package, complete with a ribbon on top. for each and every game that i come across. used to be when tetris was in fashion, i'll play tetris all night and day, until i see coloured blocks falling when i close my eyes for the night. it is weary. yet the compulsiveness is at the very core of me.

i recently did something about my passion for creativity; i joined an art class. but i can't rest easy unless i'm painting every second of the day. long periods of time go by in a flash when i'm painting. i walked in the door at 12pm and the next time i checked the watch, it was 5pm. where did the 5 hours go? i suspected that the venue of the art studio is wrapped in a time-warped zone where time is stolen without one's conscious awareness, where they take your time and give it to others who need it more (like when someone shoot a bullet at you, and you see the bullet whizzing towards you and the 1 second is like 1 minute, frame by frame ala the matrix), but then again that is just my theory. after the 5 hours, i go home and my hands are still itchy. it feels incomplete without a paintbrush in hand. i'm imagining strokes, blending the colours in my mind.

the only thing i can think of, to remedy this diseased mindframe, is to do as much of it as fast as i can so that i can get a burnout and at the very least, slow down. an overdose of sorts. at the moment, the overdosage is not working, i'm lapping all the time i spend on it with much satisfaction. such is the behaviour of one's compulsive disorder. whatever i get my hands on, i need to do it all the time. like the book i pick up, i'll read it to all hours of the night until i reach the very last page, until i know the ending. should i be attending some psychotheraphy lessons? to teach me that it is alright to stop, to wait for another day. virgoans are supposed to be perfectionist, or have an insatiable drive for achieving perfection. it is so tiring, i feel sapped even i as speak, as i recall all the ways in which i am compulsive. a few more days later, or a few more days earlier and i'll be without this obsessive streak. would life be much easier then?