the day that nobody remembered.

it started out as a day like any other, but deep in my heart was a sinking feeling because i knew that nobody remembered. it is not such a big deal, i kept telling myself, but i felt myself disappearing just a little. into oblivion, into transparency. how do i describe the feeling of fleetingness, of immaterialism, when nobody remembers the day that you commenced to exist? it was as if nobody valued the significance of your existence; no hands to tie you back, no worth to weigh you down, and so you evanesce a little, fragmenting into a little twirl of entity and dissolving into the air.

it was my lunar calendar birthday, so nobody bothered to remember the date. "not like it was your real birthday". for the past 39 years, i had red eggs and vermicelli to mark the day, with the occasional lapse in celebration. 2 years ago, everybody forgot too. funny how you don't really remember celebrating it, until nobody does as well. this year i marked my birthday with a little tear, brushed away hurriedly with the back of my hand just incase anybody caught me crying. like a cry baby, even at 39.

i have never given much weighting to my real birthdays, being surrounded by interest-motivated people most of the time. i have received large bouquets of flowers, delicious cakes, expensive presents, and i cringe because i can never be certain of their sincerity. i take it with the grace and gratefulness that is requisite of the social game. however, it means nothing more than attempts to further solidify their position in the ladder of life. letting it all go to your head will be a receipe for suicide. many extends their well-wishes, some less, others more. who is real behind these walls of grinning smiles and nodding heads, i sometimes can no longer tell. for some, i know, it is nothing more than a run-of-the-mill business commitment. there is the occasional one, who gives something from the heart, from the hands, and you know, that this is a friend. however, i have learned to take that day with a pinch of salt.

which makes the chinese birthday all the more distinct. only those closest and dearest have privy to that information. only those who are most sincere and true. perhaps when you are setting yourself up for something like that, you are destined to fall the most painful. life is that cruel. what you don't care for, you have plenty. what you value, you have none. it hurts. no doubt about that. but what can you say? you can't force people to remember. you can't make people value you more. you take what you get, and you move on.

and so, it became a day like any other day.