tick tock tick tock. the clock marks each second with a slight movement of its hand. time has never passed more slowly than when you are waiting for news on the health of your loved ones. to top that off, you are thousands of miles away. the agony of not knowing, not being there, of waiting and hoping, of not being able to take things into your own hands. i have never known such torment. you laugh, you play, you walk, you talk and you eat, just like any other day, except you have a 10,000 pounds weight sitting comfortably on your heart. everything pales by comparison.

the day after i left, the nightmare began. she started out with a weak, listless voice over the phone. i felt guilty for not being there already. the next day, someone called with news that her blood sugar reading hit the roof. what?! she was never a diabetic in all her regular annual blood checks. something is wrong somewhere. the news got worse with each passing day. her ca19.9 reading has just passed the borderline. i feared for the worst but hoped for the best. i was hesitant to speak to her over the phone, afraid even, that my voice will betray what we were all trying to cover up. she has been complaining of a loss of appetite and discomfort in the her abdominal region recently. she has lost some weight. suddenly, for no apparent reason, now her blood sugar and pressure is sky high. piecing all the puzzles together, i am fully aware of what the picture shows. i have been down that road before. yet i could do nothing except to continue playing, eating, walking and talking. my hands fidgeted with the handphone the entire day. i wanted to call, to know what was the lastest development every other second, yet i was afraid of disrupting some important meeting. i waited. i was restless. i said a prayer with every step i took.

finally, the report came. there was inflammation. where? why? what? how? emergency surgery was scheduled. i don't know if i was relieved that it wasn't something related to oncology or distressed that she will have to undergo surgery in the next few hours, and i wasn't even there beside her. sure, it was a small operation. sure, it was routine stuff for the surgeon. but what if? there is always the what if, and i wasn't arrogant nor naive enough to ignore the possibilities.

everything went well. however, even when she rose from the anesthesia and called me back, i couldn't rest easy. the nights are the worse. she was gasping for breath from the lack of oxygen supply in her blood. i didn't dare to talk more. it was going to be a very long night.

i am blessed that the story had a happy ending, as happy as a successful operation can be anyway. by the time i returned, she was once more waiting at home for me. everything seemed surreal, like i imagined the entire incident in my delusional brain. when i came back, everything was back to the way it was. except for that 4-inch gash on her abdomen, surrounded by an entire patch of bruised blue-black.

i'm used to being over-worked and over-demanded. i have accustomed to being the solution for each problem and task. suddenly, it was taken all out of my hands and i was left weak and helpless, not even able to look in from afar. life sometimes mock me to show me how i am blessed but i am left with my energy drained.