yesterday was a difficult day. i could feel the toll on my physical self. i was distracted, to say the least. i didn't want to see any of my family members, not because they had any hand to play in the way my moods were playing, but because i didn't want to wear a mask and pretended everything was a-ok. i was still angry, but she has always been who she is. there is nothing i can do to change that. it all boils down to tons and tonsful of frustration. frustration at not being able to do something very simple and natural, like showing care and affection to the family, frustration at not being able to stay away but not being able to go closer, frustration at how complicated things lie.

however, i learnt one lesson yesterday. one lesson that i've learnt time and time again but each time it feels like new. i've learnt to let go. que sera sera. so things cannot go the way it rightly should, or the way i want it to be, or the way that everyone wants. life goes on. the moment that i announce to everybody that all plans have been cancelled, i felt a release from all the things weighing me down. i felt a great liberation. in part it was the guilt of letting people down that was making me unhappy. many were looking forward to the plans we have made. all but one. for that one, we are cancelling everything. still, que sera sera. the decisions have been made, the complication dealt with, and now time to close that chapter. granted, some things will remain the same, for she is still who she is, and granted i will have to do things differently from now on. i may not be able to do the things that come natural to me, like caring and loving for those that i do, but you live life the best you know how.