my husband calls it growing pains. i have no name for it, only a certain unsettling phobia for deaths and overwhelming anguish. that i am no different than any other people i am sure, for who likes pain and sufferings, but at this moment of my journey i am on the brink of caving. my strongest virtue is empathy and perhaps also my weakest link. i cannot help but feel the pain that others are feeling and when i see sadness in their eyes, i share the grief too. for the last two years, i have attended more funerals than i had in my lifetime and i remember all too clearly each and every, including the pain that i see in their tears. whilst i know the dearly departed and are somehow related, i cannot be said to be close. still i am very unsettled and it takes me a very long time to recover, to forget, which until today i have not been able to do. only now the memories of my grandfather's death 16 years ago are slowly blending into the blurry images of time. i am particularly slow in adapting to matters of the heart. i imagine the pain and the sadness of those left behind, the days ahead, and the long journey behind. i am so very grateful that i am not in their position but tremble at the thought that i will be one day. i jolt awake in the middle of the night and i try my hardest to divert my attention but thoughts are like the raging river with no way of reigning it in. life has its ups and downs and it needs one to balance the other. at the moment there is no balance and i feel i have used up my stock of happy thoughts and warm fuzzy feelings. i need laughters, i need smiling faces and inspirational words. i need silly people and caring voices. i need to recharge. in the meantime, everybody. pleaseeeeee............. stay healthy and happy.

socks for japan

i'm living in a vacuum of apathy and detachment, my brain frozen of all thoughts and emotions. it's a little empty, a little cold where i am. i distract myself with a multitude of activities and movements. words that form in my brain are short, clipped and to the point. gone are the flowery expressions, the complications, the passion. life is easier when you don't think about it. i was informed that someone close is ill, to which i greet the news with more aloofness. the walls are dense. nothing seems to get through.

the first time round i was vastly disturbed. i wrestled with heavy emotions for days, knowing that someone out there, someone that i have never met nor know of my existence, was dying slowly and there was nothing i could do about it. someone that i have held my hand out to save but in the end, all i could do was stare vacantly at my empty hands. it won't be the first time that i watched someone die, perhaps this time not with my own two eyes. shouldn't someone do a little more, shouldn't someone have said a little more, i kept asking myself each time. this is after all a human life we are talking about. not knowing exactly when, the value of a human life has cheapened over time. comparing with pets in faux fur clothes and weekly spa visits, our lives have been rendered worthless, insignificant even.

with all the knowledge and experience that i have garnered over the years, i thought i was finally in the position to be of use to others, what little i could be. i don't know much but i was more than willing to share what i have learnt thus far in life. i watched one by one leave, and with each departure, there was a story, of what could have been, of what was done wrong and what was done right. my head still rings from the cold dark echoes of disembodied voices floating around like lost souls. 'do you want us to resuscitate?', 'it's just a flu', 'she is not moving, what should i do?', 'he was a very fit man', 'he's not eating'. that was all the wealth that i had to contribute back.

she was sick, with lung cancer. that was something i knew a little about, having walked down the road with a survivor once. i knew the formula, i knew the secret. i thought, during that moment in time, here was someone that i could save, even if not with my own bare hands, but with what i know. the doctor was 80% confident, and in that game it was miraculous odds. but the family wanted to gamble, they threw away that odds for ............something. what, i can not even begin to fathom! given a chance of survival, they didn't take it and opted for an alternative. what could they probably be seeking for? i was brimming with frustration for days. comprehension was beyond me. life is so fleeting, how can anyone choose for death? the patient wanted the chance to fight, she wanted to go for the treatments only to be told no, it's not the best choice for you. not even when the doctor was 80% convinced. my heart bled for her. not because she was ill, not because she was old, but because her family didn't love her enough. i shiver at her helplessness.

i know, and i understand, that outsiders will never appreciate the stories behind each tale. what were they thinking? what happened to make them come up with the decision, i will never comprehend. they must have their own justifications, of that i am certain. valid or otherwise, i cannot judge as a third party. i am trying my hardest not to judge, not to scream at them inside my brain and strangle their imaginary necks for failing to hold on to their mother's hand, for failing to take this most valuable opportunity of a second chance.

when i am told the story the second time round, i have grown jaded. apathy moves in to replace helplessness. i no longer try to convince anybody of what is the correct path. i don't even want to hear if i was right. sometimes there are no victory in being correct. i hope for once i am wrong.

how do you answer when you are asked 'what's up with you?', or 'what's happening?'. i seem to be asked that a lot. probably because i have a tendency to hide myself in some dark highly top secret cave-like hideout, aka my house, so people are always asking what's new with me. people don't get why i usually meet the question with a blank stare. errr.....pretty much the same?

hello? that is probably the easiest question in the world and you can't answer that??! that is my antagonistic split personality asking.

perhaps because i am a complicated person. i don't think people will be interested to hear about the latest corporate strategic operation in my company, or maybe they would but i'm not at liberty to say. insider-trading and stuff. i don't think they are keen to hear the minute daily-grind details of the things my kids are up to these days. the most boring conversationalist in this planet must be parents, especially brand-new ones fresh from the stork's mouth. my baby pooped twice today, or she just learned to crawl! hard to muster the enthusiasm when most babies do that.

i'm not too crazy either about listing the recent places i've been since i last saw whoever it is i'm talking to. holidays are only fun and memorable when you experience it, not when you have to hear someone yakking non-stop about it. however, i answer when i'm asked and friends seem to ask me that a lot, for lacking of other topics to chat about, i presume. besides, holidays are just a distraction for me, not a lifestyle, so there really isn't much to talk about in that department.

so, what do i answer? how do most people answer? let me look through my calendar for a minute now......i walked the threadmill yesterday, i spent 2 dumb days at the panasonic stadium last week where i was glued to the seat for hours and hours on end, i was stuck in traffic jam for 2 hours on friday, i am watching reruns of 'friends' every night, i just completed one painting and is halfway through another. i want to pick up cooking, photography and a whole load of other classes but i'm afraid i don't have the time to commit. there's no gas in my place at the moment. i'm going to the justin bieber concert. all too insignificant to mention, and too boring to bring up. when you haven't seen someone for some time, it's hard to pluck an update from the air, without going through a long detailed explanation of each.

what do normal people answer, pray tell?