today morning, after the kids have gone to school and the hubs to work, i sat myself infront of the computer to check for updates on facebook, a routine i've practiced before i head off to the 'war-zone' myself. i typed a few cheeky comments in reply to daughter's posts and checked out some friends' updated status. then i came across jason kelly's latest post.

tears flow uncontrollably upon reading rie's last steps and the desolation that her mother is feeling right now, this very moment as i am typing these words, and probably will for a very long time. the loss of your children must be the worst nightmare for any parent and i shudder at the pain that she will have to endure for the rest of her life. when i think of that, and how hundreds of other parents are also experiencing the same heart-wrenching suffering in japan, i feel so helpless and hollow. my banter of only a few minutes ago feel so wrong and shallow.

i don't understand, and will never comprehend, how, and why one nation must bear such torment, such unfathomable sorrow. i've heard callous remarks by some that it's karma for all the pain that the japanese armies have caused during the second world war, but this is something that you will not even wish on your worst enemy. everybody, every single person in this epic disaster is innocent. there is no karma in thousands, and maybe tens of thousands, of people experiencing such horror, such pain, such torment. how do you live for the rest of your life with the image of having lost your loved ones in such a horrendous scenario? every single ticking of the clock, every minute of the day, the vivid images replay over and over again in your head. no life on earth should be worse than hell. yet they are so strong and so dignified in their grief. for that, the whole world salute them.

the 500 socks that we have hurriedly sourced, packed and shipped off seems like too small an effort, too measly a balm for their wound. should i send more? will it ever be enough? thank goodness for people like jason kelly, who braves the criticism of biting observers who have their hands folded infront of their body in dormancy. i thank him not only for the survivors who are receiving clean socks but also for people like me, who are able to do our very little bit for them, for giving us a chance to make the tiniest of contribution.

i feel very sorry for the survivors, but i am not stupid. i will not give cash donation (except for that one time to a temple which i figured if they don't forward the cash, it will still be to a temple after all) no matter how much i wish to help because i know, with so much certainty, that the money will never reach - no matter what organisation. the evidence is there for everyone to see. is there any report, ever, of any single survivor having received the money? has any government organisation received even a single yen? infact, the japanese government has not even made any request for cash assistance. so where the hell is the money right now? the hundreds, thousands and even millions that kind-hearted people have given out? there are a lot of very rich organisations and people out there right now, thanks to the japanese tsunami. if ever there was karma, perhaps these people should learn not to swindle from tragedy?

for me, after laying down my sadness here, i can turn off the pc with a click of the button and go about my day. for them, the survivors of the tsunami, they can never turn off the memories that are seared into their hearts.

on some days, life is a tiring journey. there are days when nothing goes right, when everything is a struggle and you need more than usual to fight the battle. yesterday was such a day.

this can be a post of how taxing the day was, how one thing went wrong after another and how superficial people can be but i choose it to be about the light at the end of the day. when i look back at this post many years later, when the memories of the little hurdles in life are vague and inconsequential, i want to remember the things that made me smile.

it was a 12 year old, with the biggest smile that i have ever seen to greet me. i can't remember the last time anyone was that excited to see me for a very very long time. i started out disliking this little boy even before i have met him because he has trespassed what i viewed as my privacy. i slowly came around to realise that it was because of his devotion to the subject in question. he is after all only 12. children are so pure, so simple in their actions. the first thought in their brains is translated immediately by their mouth. there are those that feel children are too childish, too immature and that the age gap is too great for any communication. those adults have long buried their innocence and the magic that are in their lives. in his eyes, i see all things clear and candid. an apple is an apple, an orange an orange. jadedness is absent and enthusiasm brimming to the top.

i wonder, where else can i find such pureness besides associating with 12-year-olds. i search inside of my mind for another circle that is a mirror to my perfect world, where everybody is pure and simple and where love is all around. there exists no parallel in the adult world. one day these children, who are infront of my eyes all beautiful and guileless, will grow up too and be affected by the world they live in. they will also grow to be jaded and cynical. a child knows what is right and what is wrong. adults have grey expanse where things can be tolerated, where wrong can be changed to be right. sometimes i forget and my daughter has to remind me.

why do people have to be so complicated, so full of ulterior motives, so insincere? perhaps it is time that adults stop whining about how full of experience they are, how wordly and mature they believe themselves to be and take a page from the days of a child.

if you keep very quiet, if your face is unreadable, people will come up with their own story. it's amusing to watch it unfold.

i sat there, a million thoughts running through my head while my mother sits in the dental chair. even when the body is stationary, the brain entertains you and brings you to wild and wondrous journeys. i kept myself amused trying to figure out what the various buttons meant on the dentist's state-of-the-art patient's chair, trying my hardest not to eavesdrop on the conversation that the dentist is having with his assistant. i watched them trying to mould a denture, which is most amusing, very much like me playing with playdough. i try my hardest not to grin, whilst i am clapping my hands gleefully inside, wishing i could have a hand in moulding and shaping. i am sure my mother will not be amused if i were to help shape her dentures. while i am wonderfully entertained, the dentist turned around and said to me, 'this process is very boring'. to which i am sure the expected answer should have been, 'oh no, it is very interesting' but how very cliche. i can't stand cliches and so i pretended not to hear him.

he resumed his task of trying out the mould, pushing and pulling, taking out and putting it back in. after a while, he turned once again and said to me, 'i am sorry for boring you', which strikes me as really odd. are dentists providing magic shows for entertainment on the side nowadays?i wanted to check myself out in the mirror to see if my face really reflected boredom but i resisted, wondering what on earth made him come to that conclusion. this is probably the part where i should have denied vehemently, 'oh no! i am wonderfully entertained. having the best time of my life actually' but again, i am not one for cliches. people sometimes put themselves down, or the situation, waiting to be reassured, waiting to hear something positive. for someone as recalcitrant as myself, they are probably in for a very long wait.
manners require me to reply 'nooooo', but that was as much as my wilful self will allow to conform to society.

he being all nice and polite, and i being such an ass, even if only inwardly. i can't stand hypocrisy, i can't help it. don't put yourself down if you don't really agree with it, and if you really agree with it, who am i to disagree with you :-p sigh. false manners are so pretensious, such hard work and effort. a page in the life of a cynic. i am horrible, i know it. and i'm not looking for people to disagree with me. :-p :-p :-p