is it me or it is them?

what is it with singapore and friendships? this is the third friend that i am losing to that little dot down south. is it the island or is it me? does it have a bermuda triangle-like emanation that cuts off all communication along with melancholic whim of affection?

friendships are so hard to come by, what more good ones. the older i get the more they are slipping through my fingers. friendships build over a long period of time, trust built over layers of communication. when i look at what they have given up, without so much as the bat of an eye, all our history and past, i feel the tugging at my heart. but i am the only one mourning. for what then? if it is only one-sided, was there ever a friendship in place? why do they not feel this way, i ask myself so many times.

it's not the distance, what with modern technology like facebook, twitter, whatsapp and whatever. there are more choices to ignore people by now as compared to the snail mail days. and yet the friendships survived the golden age. perhaps it's because of these vast modern distractions that people no longer feel the need to connect, to reach out and touch each other anymore. who needs friendship, i have a 24 hour idiot-entertainment-box.

i've wondered so many times that it's like a broken record in my head. is it me? what is wrong with me? is there something wrong with the core of my very being. am i not enough of a friend? or am i a dinosaur who treasures friendship amongst the space-age inhabitants?

i feel like shouting, i feel like screaming, i feel like taking a cast iron pan and knocking them on their head. hey! what happened to our friendship?, i want to yell. why do i not matter to you anymore? remember the times we talked? remember the laughter we shared? my fingers are itching to reach out and ask them why. with just a few taps of the keyboard, it won't be a weight at the bottom of my heart anymore. but what is the point? what will their answer matter? for whatever reason they have given up on our friendships, that friendship has now dissipated into thin air and carried away by the wind.

unloading

life is tiring enough handling all the senseless chaos and mundane fire-fighting day in day out without the hordes of selfish, greedy and rumour-mongering people to bring further stress into life. sometimes i wonder if it is possible that others also live the life that i do or is it just me and my over-sensitivity that is finding it difficult to digest. life will be so much more beautiful with a little more sprinkle of tolerance and a dash more of love. yesterday i listened to sis-in-law rambled incoherently at the dinner table a little too wildly and a little too loud about her 'future daughter-in-law'. how the latter hid in the toilet when she came home to see her. only thing is her son is 16, the girl is not in a relationship with him and doesn't reciprocate his feelings, he is right next to him and humans do go to toilet at one point in their lives or another. i guess all mothers are insanely jealous when their sons have replaced their girl on the pedestal but with all our years of wisdom and experience, we probably can dish out a little subtlety and tolerance. i do agree that she is not worth it, but still respect will not be lost. a little respect for someone else's daughter and for her son. yesterday i lived through another day of mother harping on my back, nagging and grumbling on how i was cooking it wrong, despite the fact that she was the one asking me to cook it, despite the fact that i was the one who taught her how to cook it and despite the fact that i was not cooking it any differently from the other hundred times, despite the fact that it was the not the first, nor the last, that she was harping on me. it's just getting worse with the days. but it's all part of life, of growing old, of how things are meant to be. i understand and know right down to the bottom of my soul all the preachings about how it's a blessing to be able to cook for her or help her, how it's wonderful that i have this time with her and i do feel it whole heartedly. doesn't stop it from driving me up the wall though. yesterday the rumour monger was hard at work spreading more chaos and tales from deep inside the crypt of her mind. how much more can i take, someone who turns tales around, who tries to poison others with her lies, i don't know. i believe i can always live another day. and then another day after that. and then another day after that. life goes on, despite how tiring it sometimes can be. yesterday i battled with the usual fires, putting out problems that sap at my energy. the stupid handphone just kept ringing, incessantly whining, bringing me more chaos that i care for. how i hate that thing that mankind call a modern convenience. to whom indeed? yesterday the hubs made an off-handed remark that showed how little he appreciated how much i am doing, and how tired i am. wasn't the first time, nor will it be the last. when we return home, and both daughter and i collapsed on the sofa side-by-side, exhausted from the day's flow of events, the question 'you look so tired' floated in the air, but it was directed only at my daughter. how a single simple sentence can sound so sweet, if directed at the right person. how one word that acknowledges you is all that it takes to make everything alright. how it floated to the ears of the wrong person and did not become the balm that it could have been. i can only put it down to men and that's how men are, rather than harping on it, rather than letting it wedge a splinter into my heart. i'm pretty good at that. letting things flow over me whilst i remain still like a statue, unhearing, unfeeling, unhearing, unseeing. yesterday i sat and listened for the longest time to father share a part of his thoughts. by that time of the day, i was so tired it was all i could do to stop myself from yawning, but i nearly lost the fight against my eyes closing. nearly. it was something that he doesn't do very often, share the big picture with us. being with us heart and soul was also not something he does often, unless the talk turns to business. it wasn't so much that he was passing his knowledge, as hubs seem to see it, and definitely now why i was listening. but a man sometimes need to share, sometimes need to talk and let out all that is inside, and few can be in the position to listen. especially when that man is a head of many corporations and have the big picture in his head that others are not privy to know. i think of it as theraphy session for the health of his soul.

when i think about it, there are so many things wrong with my family. and i wonder if others have families like that, or am i living in an episode of a prime-time drama. i wonder if others have parents who love the son more than the daughter. i wonder if others never listened to their children. i wonder if other parents never spent time with their children whilst growing up. sometimes i forget how my childhood was like, but the pictures that i remember in my mind are all me being by myself, of them rushing here and there, or relaxing, it doesn't really make a difference, by themselves, whilst i am alone. how my childhood differs from that of my children. yesterday i had more than a fair share of chaos. but here i am today. and today is another new day.

puppy

many many years ago, never in my wildest dream will i dare to imagine that i will one day be able to have lunch with him. just that hand's length away from him, talking about casual things in life, chatting, joking and laughing. once upon a time, my dream was just to be able to find him again and know how life has been for him, if he went on to become the doctor of his ambition and whether his eyes still twinkled like so. that dream came true, someone found his contacts and i thought that was where the story ended. but sometimes the powers that be smile kindly down at me.

that day, that lunch was more than i could ever ask for. actually, it was the second lunch. the first, some years back, was too awkward, too forced, too unreal. it left me with many regrets. this time round, maybe because i was caught off-guard by his eleventh-hour invitation, i had no time whatsoever to run it through my head. i'm usually better when i don't use my over-analytical brain :-p

lunch was simple, the conversation casual. we talked about our lives, past and present. perhaps it was age that mellowed me. what struck me was that he seemed to understand. that it was easy talking to him. i guess some things never change, no matter how many years in between. i can't even remember clearly the things that happened, many memories have been erased with time. i doubt he can remember too. we were both too young. whilst he was my first puppy love, sweet and memorable, i was nothing more than a passing fancy. still, it was alright. it didn't really matter. life is about our memories, our feelings. just because it was not earth-shattering and deeply etched in the heart for him, it does not make the memory any less sweeter.

what that one and me had was sweet memory, in my mind at the very least. and now, a casual friendship. neither wants anything more. i have a word of thanks, but only in my heart. thank you for staying so pure and good. thank you for staying you.