another one

my birthday came and went. sometimes i wonder if we celebrate our birthday for the people around us or for ourselves.

some family members were also not enthusiastic about making efforts to mark any occasion and it is difficult to see them fake any semblance of enthusiasm for it. the boy didn't bother to wish me until i curiously prodded him. teenage doldrums, he claimed, ,which i can empathise, but not acquiesce. they wear me down with their inertia. i am disinclined to do anything to mark the day.

the girl came up with an elaborate treasure hunt, of which i am still attempting to unravel. for her time, for her effort, for her love, i am very grateful. for her reminder that it is fun to receive something from someone's heart, i am thankful. i have not receive something that came from the heart for the longest time. something that shows that someone adores you and savour your presence in their lives. for receiving that, i feel guilty. we all live in a sphere of unappreciation and self-centeredness. we go through our life often forgetting the people who has done and mean the most to us. i have gotten used to being that person that people forget.

a box of you

i keep the memories of her stored away in this little box, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. once a year i will take it out, dust off the cobwebs and the laughter, the banter, her unique way of interaction, her familiarity, all the flashes of my eighteen years with her spill out uncontrollably.

i see it in the window of my mind like clips of a short video. i watch it like a nonchalant bystander. the heart which i have quieten so long ago stirs with flickering of sadness.

i have since learnt to put up a floodgate. incase the surge pushes me over the brink. incase i cant return to sanity and to reality.

today is her birthday. i now see her only once a year because i have grown weak. i cant keep going to the deepest darkest pit in my mind and climb out unscathed, pretending that i am alright and move on with the world. i dont dare to confront my own self, my emotions, after i have been with her. i put it all back in the box and wait for another year.

she is the same. she is there. but not there, yet is still there. i know she listens. i can feel her consciousness as if it were my own. i wish i can do more. but i have learnt through my frustration that there are some things that you cannot change no matter how hard you tried.

i love you.

excessively delicate

it has been a very trying year thus far. one horrific plane disappearance followed by many other plane crashes. weird weather pattern, water supply rationing and literally breathtaking haze. one aunty found a lump in her breast and underwent mastectomy. another had strange growths along the outer walls of her intestines (?) which doctors are finding hard to diagnose. i myself had a very intimate encounter with a softball flying at 60kmh. i have been whining over the past years that time passes too fast, so fast that i can't even catch my breath but lately time has been inching along. which isn't a bad thing if it wasn't filled with unfortunate events but i guess i can't have one without the other.

i thought my episode with the softball was my big hurdle for this year, and i thought with the worst over, things will definitely pick up. but things seem to keep happening.

last week i headed off to phuket with the family for a uni-mates vacation, the first we have had in over 20 years. the plane ride wasn't the most comfortable, and me being all jittery about plane rides and absolutely abhoring all the turbulence that some crazy people (a.k.a. my son) will call "roller coaster ride", i was nervous from the moment the plane was on the tarmac ready for take-off. the weather didn't help at all. there was turbulence all the way. i tried to go to sleep but it's not easy when you are freaking out. after 1 hour and 10 minutes, the plane finally came down for landing. however it was raining heavily in phuket at that moment and the winds were strong. through the windows, i could see the heavy rainfall slashing at us and the wind shifting us uncertainly as our wheels were ready to hit the tarmac. i realised i have never, in all my years of flying, landed in such extreme weather condition. apparently the pilot shared the same thought and at the very last second, just as we were all bracing for the jolt from the landing, he pulled the plane up into a steep ascent again.

my heart would have dropped to the floor, had it not  been the second time it happened to me. one thought and only one thought kept flashing through my mind. that was how the taiwan and iran plane crashed - bad weather conditions. love how my mind screws with me. who needs enemies? i dearly hoped that the airport control tower foresaw this and did not plan to have any plane coming down for a landing from the opposite side. we circled in the air for another hour, waiting for the weather condition to improve. in the end, when thoughts of the plane crashing straight down from the sky because it has gone empty on fuel, the pilot announced that we are flying back to penang to refuel. ok, that's a good sign, right? the pilot was keeping an eye on the fuel gauge and i'll be having good old solid land under my feet again very soon. that was until the pilot said it will take another 45 minutes to fly there.

what can i do? i was at their mercy. i picked up my jaw which had fallen to the floor with the announcement and pretended to be very busy with the newspaper. and since this post did not materialise from the realm of the after-death i have survived the emotionally scarring flight, enjoyed the reunion with my old friends and made it back in one piece. hurrayyyyy. rejoiceeeee.

apparently i am someone who hurts herself a lot. to give you the short abridged version, post traumatic flight i stabbed my hand with a knife and had problem with stopping the bleed. normal people cut their hands but being the hardcore accidental freak i had to stab it and after that scrape it every once in a while so that it cannot heal. the next day i scraped the sole of my feet against something sharp. and i matched it with two bruises on my thigh a few days later. i'm wearing the wounds like fashion accessories. the latest is my second toe nail which has been pried up all the way. i have to be careful not to hit anything so that it doesn't get ripped out. i don't pay attention, that is the problem. sigh.