what do you see?

went to dialogue in the dark and dining in the dark two days in a row. my companions were not that thrilled prior to embarking on the adventure with me; something about total darkness, not being in control and not being able to see scares the living jezeebers out of some people. i had to tie their hands and legs and drag them along with me. deadweight slowing me down from doing the 100 metre dash in the dark.

whilst the normal comments following the visit are usually scared, frightened, unsafe, i thought 'peaceful and calming'. the cool darkness soothed me. i felt cocooned, like the bad and evil cannot penetrate the dark. i know this was an illusion, that the lack of people around heightened my delusionary sense of security and the relatively short time frame made everything bearable, exciting and enjoyable even. but i liked my escape in the dark and would have stayed much longer if my companions were not nervous and edgy.

as i age, my eyes are growing progressively weaker. from perfect superhuman 20/20 vision, i now have long-sightedness. goes with getting older, i heard, which is fair. but i also have short-sightedness. can't see near, can't see far. so i can only see at an optimal distance of 10 feet in front of me. anything nearer or further is a blur. when they say see life through rose-coloured lenses, i don't think they meant it like this. i've tried glasses, for those shouting at me telepathically through your computer, and of course i would have. except that those glass-wearing people don't tell you that you get headache if you wear them for long. or is it just me? you see, getting prescription glasses is an art, reserved only for those highly intelligent fraction out there. first they bring you into this dark room with a backlit screen of alphabets of decreasing size, and then they put a mad scientist spectacle-like contraption on your head. then they proceed to add and remove various and sometimes multiple glasses to the contraption whilst at the same time muttering 'is this better or that?" continually, like a brain-washed slave of an evil scientist. this is where i always make a mistake. naturally, one will choose the option which gives clearer vision. only there is such a thing as too clear vision, and i have only just realised this postmortem to paying skin and teeth for my new spectacles. at which point do i stop and make a stand? at which point do i say this is clear enough for me to make sense of the blurness and yet won't give me a splitting headache? there is no guideline, no rules, no right or wrong, as in everything in life. (grumble grumble mumble mumble) and so i mess up, like always.

to add to it, i have astigmatism. i think that's why brightness hurts my brain and eyes. whether the bright afternoon sun, or the intense glow from the metropolitan night light, it pierces something deep within my eye cavity. you may also remember that i suffered an accident to the eye last year, resulting in double vision on up vision ........and down vision........and side vision. so my eyes are all messed up and i can't see near or far, up or down, right or left, dark or bright. i don't even try. i just go with the flow. used to be that i go crazy because i can't see everything crystal clear, but then as you grow older to heck with it. nothing in life is crystal clear anyway.

so if you see a pretty woman (ahem, that's me) stepping on your shoe, or ignoring your crazy waves of greeting, you will be understanding and say 'oh, it's her eyes. i totally get it'.