tomorrow

today is a very strange day.

i can’t quite remember which came first; feeling blue or missing her. anyhow, the mood really suites the day, for the sky is as dark and sombre as how i am feeling. which also leads me to wonder whether the weather is responsible for my melancholy and moodiness today.

a morning visit to a blogger’s post today left a very sour taste in my mouth. a strange intangible feeling which i cannot correctly put into words. but i really can’t recall if this feeling dawned even before that. regardless, it took away all my spirit and energy for the day, so much so that i had wanted to abstain from writing today.

oh, there were plenty of stand-by posts that i had written in the spur of the moment, but i was strangely reluctant to post them. one word to describe today – blue.

i surfed the familiar blogs to source for comfort. who would have guessed that it would finally come from the very same place that emanates all the pain. her blog. if only all of you had a chance to know her before she left. then again, you will know the same pain i do and i surely do not wish that on anybody.

reading her blog again gives me a very strange, yet comforting feeling; almost like nuzzling in the crook of her arms. the warmth. the familiarity. it also opens up the wound but sometimes, you just want to reminded of her, to refresh your fading memories of her smile and laughter.

did i think of her because it was fitting of my depressing mood? or was i depressed because i started to think of her? it hardly matters now. staying a little while in her blog has made me feel better, stronger . almost like she is cheering me on to continue my journey. telling me to smile a little smile.

okay, dear, i will. tomorrow.

of feet and legs

i had my toe nails painted today. la la ti dah dee! finally, i feel like a woman and i act like a woman. see, see? can't see? trust my words then. i've got beautiful pink glossy toe nails now.

sighhhhh! actually, it was nice and glossy. but because i was late for my date, i had to rush out even before i have given the nails a chance to dry, against the advice of the manicurist......now it's all crinkled and smudgy. *pouting* a little 'money down the drain', i think, which is precisely why i don't patronise the neighbourhood manicure and pedicure saloon often enough.

yesterday, knowing that i will be indulging in a heavy banana leaf rice dinner, i decided to do a little work-out before that. a little is exactly the word to describe it because i walked briskly on the threadmill for 17 minutes and i mean really brisky. it was just one step away from running. okay, small fries to most people, i know, but to ms inactive here, it's enough to keep my guilty conscience quiet. that 17 minutes left my legs a little shaky.

today, mph is having the first day of their sale. as a book lover, i am, of course, unable to pass up such a good offer. so, i spent another 1 hour, teethering on high heels, looking for books that will stimulate my mostly-dormant brain cells. my poor achy calves.

then, i come home, hoping to rest those already tired legs. mum, however, decided i needed more exercise.

ring, ring.

mum: are you back? come upstairs.

me: okayyyyyyyy.

sooo, up i go.

she was looking for a nice bag for me to house my laptop. she showed me a few which i proclaim is way too small. unconvinced, she asked me to bring my lappy-top for sizing. why didn't you tell me that when you called, that naughty devil in me thought.but ever the obedient one, i kept quiet and off i went, downstairs again to retrieve my faithful companion. and up i trekked to show her that it was bigger than she remembered. she managed to find another to replace the ones that she had chosen and filled with satisfaction, i skipped down the stairs again. no sooner had i sat down and opened the laptop when the phone rang again....

ring, ring.
mum: why you go down so fast? come up again.
me: ???? the devil in me wanted to say "you never say don't go down mah" but i clamped my mouth tightly and slowly made my way upstairs. again.

this time, she had some nice herbal concoction for me to drink. ahhhhhh! the love of a mother. i brought the cup down, but not before a 'and remember to give me back my cup ahhh', by which time, my aching legs were about to give way.

now, i am happily seated down in front of my computer, resting those pair of poor tortured souls. but i just remembered, i have to go for yoga classes today! arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

a massage for my tired legs, anyone?

a beautiful day.

today is such a beautiful day.

the sky is dark and the clouds have gathered overhead, ready to pour its heavy content to wash away the annoying haze. the cool breeze caressed my face, taking away with it all the heaviness that was sitting in my heart. i love dark gloomy days like this.

for some, the ideal day may be when the sky is clear and the sun is shining brightly overhead. but not for me. i think i belong to the romantic category and i don't like the harshness that the glaring sun brings. i prefer the soft shaded and cool light that comes before the rain. i think it also evokes the melancholy side of me.

so, today is a beautiful day. i dropped everything immediately and headed to my neighbourhood coffee bean, with my laptop in hand, of course. and that is where i am sitting now, with a cup of hot tea sitting warmly between my palms. ahhhhhhh! for those who are busy slaving away in the cold air-conditioned office, or cooped up somewhere hot and smelly, be envious of me. hahaha. for i have seized the day.

the music is serenading me with 'vincent, you're beautiful and all out of love' in the background. all my favourite songs.

i love the smell of the sweet damp air and i absolutely adore the way the breeze is playing with my hair. i look up from the screen and my eyes are soothed by the greeneries surrounding me.

do you know that after the rain, there are positive ions all around ? and by merely sitting here,taking in all these free energies, i am re-charging and filling my 'happy box'. my soul is contented.

come join me for this little break.

good deeds?

do you like doing a good deed? something nice to make somebody's day brighter and better? something that makes a difference in some elses' day?

i'm a goody-two-shoe. i like to help, i like to make someone happy, i like to make a difference. just not for the reasons you think. don't make the mistake of thinking that i am a nice person. far from it. i believe that there are usually underlying motives when people do good things; come on, you guys knew that i was a confirmed true-blue cynic, right? well, i like to think that i have one too.

i like the feeling it gives me when i do something good. so, it's purely a self-centered and selfish motivation. the warm glow, the nice pat on the head by my own hand.......i like feeling good about myself, so i like to help others. that is a pretty simple equation.

i believe there is also another reason. i have a very dominant gene; one that likes to stand for justice and support the underdogs. so, if there are good things to be done that nobody likes doing them, perhaps for reason of anonymity (and thus they won't get their much deserved recognition), i will like to be the first to volunteer. if someone needs attention, and everybody doesn't seem willing to give a little of their time, i like to be there. not for them but purely for me. because it satisfies that abnormal gene in me.

i don't see the problem in that. the ends justifies the mean. as long as i am really doing good, i don't care where the underlying push came from. for me, all these work out to be a win-win situation. people that deserves something, get something in the end, albeit not from a pure and innocent heart.

however, there is a big annoying problem with this. and it really makes the hair on my skin stand up each time. it's called the emotion factor. i totally hate it when the recipient or an irrelevant third party makes such a fuss over the thing i do. i want to tell them to take whatever it was, be it a physical or a non-tangible factor, and just shut up.

i'm beginning to sense that there is this irrational and illogical trait within me. maybe it's because i know i didn't do the good deed with a pure heart; i didn't do it with the receipient's good intention in mind. this is so difficult to explain. yes, the final outcome was meant so that the receipient will be better off, happier and i guess the intention is good but i also did it to satisfy my own satisfaction. so, that kinds of negates the true beauty and sincerity of the act, according to my dictionary.

i definitely didn't do it so that i will be praised or fussed over. soooooooo, please spare me the torture. when the pat on the head comes from a third party, it makes me want to bite that hand off. grrrr!

the worst is yet to come. the nosy third party will then feel it is their duty to announce it to the world. ohhhhhhmmmyyyyygawddddddddd! it cannot get worse than this. whyyyyyyyy? good deeds are meant to be done, not talked about. i cannot understand the rationale behind it. why would they want to sing praises about something that has no bearing on them? would anybody be better off when the fact is announced for the world to know? wait, let me crawl under the floor first.

the next time i want to do something good, just clobber me in the head and let me be unconscious until the impulse pass over. it's less humiliating.

and yes, now you know. i am 'peen thai'.

regrets

do you have any regrets, my friend?

i have always subscribed to the maxim of living life to the fullest. i definitely do not want to be one of those who lies on their death bed, moaning and groaning that there are things that have yet to be done. there is nothing more pathetic than realising at the very last minute that you have not lived your life.

comeon, the warnings are everywhere. even adverts go 'there's no second chance in life'. constant reminders are all over to grind the fact into our sometimes mulish brain that we only get one chance in living and that we should make the most of it. i know that, you know that, everybody knows that.

thus, all my life i have tried to live to the fullest, limited only by my own abilities. i have braced the fear of embarrasment when i told someone that i really like him very much, purely because i do not wish to ever regret not letting him know. i have done things on impulse because i want to give in to my emotions and live for the moment. i have treasured every person and everything in my grasp. i have loved. and i have lived.

yet.......i am still haunted by regrets. i am dogged by lamentation for the choices i have made. the questions in my head are the alternative scenarios should i have travelled down the other route. what will my life be like now? where would i be? the irony is, if i had to live my life all over again, i believe i will still make the same choices i did.

we all live our life constrained by the effects our decisions will have on others. in an ideal world, we can choose to do whatever our heart desires and live life just purely for satisfying our own desires. to go and do wherever and whatever our two feets bring us. however, in the real world, we often have to take into account the feelings of our nearest and dearest and are thus restricted in our actions. after all, we don't live just for ourselves.

i regret joining my father's workforce immediately after graduation but he said he needed me.
i regret not travelling the world whilst i was overseas but family ties were binding me very tightly.
i regret not going camping in the wild but freedom was never my luxury.
i regret not staying single for a longer time to learn more about myself and to love myself but love was a-calling.
i regret not having kids younger so that i will be free from all bindings now but time was ticking.
i regret not having kids later in life so that i will be wiser and better emotionally prepared but i never had the wisdom of foresight.
i regret not learning how to skateboard when i haven't learnt the fear of falling.
i regret not climbing mountains before the acrophobia in me grew out of control.

there will always be a non-exhaustive list of regrets. but for every regret in my heart, i will like to think that i have taken action to eradicate two in my life.

so, i live in this life that is filled with regrets, living my life the only way i know how.

mission no. 123

over the weekend, whilst most of you were putting your feet up and relaxing under the warm glow of the sun, i was involved in some highly-guarded top-secret activity. even as we speak, i am putting my life on the line to bring you the latest report.

the mission
last friday, i was approached by the boss, mr fei, to undertake a life-threatening and highly risky mission. the mission, should i choose to accept it, is to infiltrate my favourite bak kut teh (bkt) shop and provide the low-down on their activities. i can almost visualise the owner's buffy frame and it gave me chills to imagine that i will be antagonising this character. but i had to do it, for public interest, if nothing else. so, i sucked in my breath, put on a false bravado and informed the boss that i will take on the task that nobody had wanted.

into action
this sunday, i saw the best opportunity to approach this famed bkt shop. thruth be told, i have been part of his loyal followers since i was sucking thumbs and he was an apprentice with the real-deal at port klang. i can't recall whether his master's bkt was as addictive, but i grew up on regular doses of this guy's. one bowl of rice was never enough.

armed with a pinhole camera, i swooped in smoothly into his territory. the place was still deserted. oopss, i was there too early, the family was having their dinner. nevertheless, seeing a familiar face, taukeh immediately sprang into action.









"ai kwee ua bak kut ah?" (how many bowls of pork ribs do you want")

"taukeh ah, ai puek ua. koh ai te kua yeo chee kar te kah kah tau hoo pok" (oh, never mind the translation - i went ahead and ordered what i wanted)

aside from the basics, you have pork kidney and liver; scalded to just the right texture and taste, pork knuckles; marinated and braised until it is tender, yet with a juicy bite. since i was there too early, i missed the 'yau char kwai' and the 'braised chicken legs'. it was still work in progress for the two. sighhhhhhhh! a bkt meal is never quite complete without yau char kwai.
i stole a quick picture of the boss to satisfy your curiousity. you have to really appreciate this one as i was in danger of being scalded by hot bkt soup if the boss caught me in the act.

this is the man who has probably sold millions of bowls of bkt, enough to have bought several mercedes benz, and this was in the wee old days. however, he is also a very generous man. the last i heard, he has decided to share all his good wealth with mr lim in genting and therefore, he is still here, slaving over the hot pot for my bowl of yummy bkt.


now, the photo that everybody has been waiting for. the bkt itself. be warned. if you are presently running on a near empty fuel tank, this is probably not the time for you to look at his photo. those who have just had a hearty meal, unless you have something to appease you, this photo may also proof to be too tempting. tread on with caution.

notice the succulent meat on each pork rib.....the hot steaming soup.....the mouth watering aroma.....

i have tried many types of bkt over the years but none can compete with this man's. the soup is clear and sweet but at the same time, laced with intangible chinese herb that is most beneficial for your health. it is definitely not the type where you have the bitterness of the 'dong kwai' swimming in your mouth or the 'kei chee' floating in the soup. this is one bkt that's delicious and good for your health.



if you are feeling rich, you can add in abalones and mushrooms. personally, i think these do not enrich the taste in any way, and therefore are dysfunctional. still, some prefer the bite and the chewiness of the above, so to each his own.


a complete meal. ahhhhhhhhh.











or you can have it my way...........everything goes in there and gulp! down my stomach. burpppppppp!



as i've said, one bowl of rice is never enough.


for those who have been snared by this tempting review, look him up.







.



i'm happy...and my stomach is happy.

barely sane

excerpts from conversation with hubby one morning:

me: low kung ah, is your name lim gongkok? (lim - surname used here is for depiction only, actual surname was used in conversation. gongkok - has no meaning, only a melodic ring to the word)

him: what?

me: is your name lim gongkok?

him: huh?

me: is your name lim gongkok?

him: no.......

me: oh. i thought my name was mrs lim gongkok

him: what the.........?!?

me: *grins*

expose!

MY 100TH POST! ta dah! i have actually managed to last this long. what? no fanfare, no surprises, no celebrations ? *pouting* ok, so i'll tone down the celebration a little and blow the candle by myself.

as promised, i will post my picture in today's post. readers will finally be able to satisfy their curiousity as to how this often rambling, sometimes senseless and always talkative lady looks like. i have also said that i will not photo-shop the photo, so as to give you the very real 'me'. a photo that was taken my daughter dearest with my handphone's camera, so you'll have to excuse if the quality is not as good. i know, enough talk and on with the photo......

not so fast. before that, you have to finish reading the dedication and story first *grins*.

i dedicate this post to the old man who was there holding my hand from the very start, guiding my every step and giving me helpful pointers along the way. his very presence gave me the encouragement to continue writing to what would otherwise have been a non-existent readership. his kindred spirit shone the way for another lost soul in the blogosphere. thank you very much ah pek *hugs*

i started out this blog (how do i concentrate with two children shouting like a dog and a cat around me? sighhhhh! just drop them an imaginary bone and let's continue) because i was tired of indulging in self-pity in my last one. for me, this was a fresh start. i once had the misconception that reading other people's blog was probably the most boring thing possible. that was before my friend brought me here and as you know, i have been hooked eversince.

not only has this blog put me in touch with people from other parts of the world, it has showed me that there are some very decent and nice people out there. for a true-blue certified cynic like me, this has given my life a glimmer of light and hopefully, over time, it will soften the hard jagged edge. thank you for giving me the hope.

through this blog, i have also witnessed the re-birth of my love for writing. it has been buried in my unconscious for the longest time such that i have even forgotten of its existence. i love to write and it is such a beautiful bonus that i actually have people reading it. if i were to wait for my skills to be honed enough for publication, i will probably be old and gray, covered in cob-webs and my writings will never see the light of day. thank you for reading.

lastly, this blog has served as an outlet for what would otherwise have been a very oppresive and frustrating life. as it is, i am able to leave the footsteps in my life here, where i am able to return at will and be reminded of my journey at a later stage. at the same time, i can leave all my sadness, my frustrations and my anger in this magical chest whilst i continue on this marvellous expedition of life. thank you for sharing.

ok, enough talk. talk is cheap. photo, photo, photo, we want photo. i get it. scroll down for effect then..
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hmmmmmm...i guess it was a very windy day. hopefully, you will be able to rest tonight without any nightmares after seeing the photo (well, you have been warned).

i truly believe that a photo of yours truly will distract your attention from my writings. as it is, you will listen when you read, rather than pre-form judgements before you have even begun :-)

i leave the rest to your imagination.

**********************************

DD,

i woke up in the middle of the night and tears rolled down my face. i dreamt of her again. i don't want to return to that very painful space but my unconscious reminds me that i miss her very much.

i saw her, moving so lively and smiling so happily; such a far contrast from reality. even now, when i open my eyes and the sun is shining so bright, her smile is so deeply carved in my memory. is she smiling at me now from so far away?

grandma dearest

looking at my niece playing so innocently and happily yesterday, with her cherubic smile, i realise that i have been very 'mang chang' lately. the underlying cause is not something that i can pinpoint to one specific thing; maybe it's a combination of factors. the strangest thing is, with that very realisation, the irritation vaporised instantaneously, as if it was never there to begin with. my recent ramblings, my rantings, my revival of shelved posts......i knew i felt restless and i couldn't get myself to commit to a topic, but i didn't know why. i still don't.

anyway, my feet are firmly on the ground today and you get some semblance of a normal blogger. so, on with the story. as some of you know, my maternal grandmother is presently staying with my family and is recuperating from a broken femur. for those who regards this piece of information as totally alien, you have not been paying attention or you have plenty of catching up to do *holding up yellow card*.


well, horrid as it is to say, i consider her misfortune as a lucky twist in fate for everybody. my maternal grandmother has been staying in her hometown all her life and the most that i have seen of her is from her rare and short visits. most of her children and grandchildren have since moved to the city and i can imagine that she misses them very much. so, in what is probably my selfish eyes, i saw this as the chance for everybody to be a little closer, and for the love to blossom a little. hard fact be told, my grandma is in her 80s and i just don't see many such opportunities coming up again.

three months down the road, i am a little disappointed to learn that i am the only one feeling this way. from an active person, she has been reduced to a house and wheelchair-bound old lady, with no one and nothing to turn to for entertainment. she waits wistfully for her own children and grandchildren to visit but i don't see that happening too often. granted, she has our company but there is only so much time we can be there for her. and i believe that we are unable to replace their places in her heart.

when they come, they are so distracted that they usually nod their head absently in agreement, whilst their ears are perking in a different direction. they murmur half-heartedly in acknowledgement to her stories. she waits and waits....... for all these? she anxiously anticipates their arrival and when they finally come, they bring their empty souls.

sigh! looking at her, i understand how it is to be old. it is not her fault that she is no longer entertaining and funny. it is not her choice that she is not happening and have lost the appeal to bring in the crowds. it is so cruel that they have forgotten all the love and time she had invested in them.

when i look at her, i imagine myself growing old. i understand that i cannot stop the process of time but i hope i never have to be so reliant on another. for hope, for happiness and for love. i cannot imagine what i will be doing when i am 80, but i hope i will not have to spend each day waiting for someone to give me a little bit of their time. 

chicken legs, anybody?

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be rest assured, i am not rambling today. there is a topic in hand. a little patience is required though. it's post no. 98 now. for those who have been following closely, you must be getting very excited. for those in the blur, you'll know pretty soon, so never mind.

let's quickly move on to my topic for today; yet another post that was shelved with indefinite publication date will today find the light of day. hurrayyyyyy! i must be rapidly running out of things to talk about (which i seriously doubt since i can talk till the moon is blue in the face, just not necessarily so in the real world. i leave my talking to those crazy lunatics who are silly enough to keep coming back for large doses of boring materials lethal enough to deaden their brains. are you guys sadistic or what?) or i'm not quite in the mood. a friend once said to me that happy people have nothing interesting to write about. i am sure my readers will vehemently deny that (if they know what is good for them and seriously value their life. heyyyy, i know people from the dark side, if you know what i mean *wicked laugh*). once again, queen of digress has moved away from the point. let's jump right in with both legs.

chicken legs. or what the chinese termed as "foong chau". i consider it as a delicacy but some may consider it to be pretty disgusting. anyway, today's topic is of a different kind of chicken leg.

i look adoringly at women whose long slender legs stretch all the way to their neck. smooth.... fair.... flawless..... and way so sexy. i can only look on with admiration and envy for i have been genetically programmed never to own such a pair of beautiful legs. generations of our families have the distinguished wide hips and heavy thighs encoded into our DNAs. there is no escape. bring on the parents and lay the blame on them.

oooohh.....they will look great in pants or skirt; not to mention all those neck-craning looks they get when in mini-skirts. with legs that go on and on......who bothers to look at your other body parts. forget flat chest or stubby nose, people's vision will never have the chance to travel up so high before you have moved on.

i sympathise with my legs. deep down they want to break free - into a pair of shorts or a sexy bikini. to feel the cool breeze or the flapping of the winds. there are times when i can feel them rebelling against the thick jeans in the hot afternoon sun. i am sorry but all those cellulite jiggling is not a pretty sight. infact, i quite believe that there is a law prohibiting their indecent exposure.

i feel like a frankenstein of sorts, matching a thin zebra's upper torso with an elephant's lower anatomy. did someone make a mistake when creating me? there are ways to correct the blunder surgically.....but i am allergic to pain. i can always choose to be permanently seated...but that will seem pretty rude to people who have just joined the table. i do still have some options; unfortunately i am too involved in my passionate love affair with food to give it up in exchange for a skeleton's femur and god created an additional bone into my system when he made me; the lazy bone.

lately i have found a very good way of solving my problem, without the need for injection, starvation or medication. a miracle cure. all i have to do is to stand beside someone who is heavily overweight and hey presto! i am magically transformed. perception, that is the key answer to the question, people. and for that sole reason, i have got rid of all my skinny friends (yes, the people from the dark side are taking care of them, even as we speak) and is in the process of replacing them with sumo lookalikes. anyone with suitable qualifications, please forward your resume for my consideration.

thank you for your kind attention.

the men in my life

you know, wounds are such a strange thing. you can get along fine - day in, day out - just as long as you don't scratch the wound. if you pick at the surface, you are opening yourself up to an enormous amount of pain. you want to cry, you just want to hide away and cry. but you are afraid that you will never stop, so you don't dare to start. you keep it all hidden, under the new-forming scab and go on like normal.

no, that's not my topic for today. just felt like getting that off my chest.

today i'm going around men-bashing again. :-) no, not all men in general so you guys don't have to run for cover. the cannon is not aimed at you....... this time. ha ha!

men are a strange lot, and i am sure all of you will beg to differ. still, i get pretty strange members of the male species. maybe it's just me. maybe it's the 'men are from mars, women are from venus' thing. let me share these mystifying creatures with you:

he goes to a holiday resort with business associates, knowing that exactly one week later he will be visiting the exact same place with his wife to celebrate her birthday. go figure!

he knows that he cannot tolerate milky and cheesy food and spaghetti carbonara ranks as his top repulsion. still, he ordered them for lunch and then refused to eat it on account of it containing too much cheese and milk. go figure!

he can spend hours talking to you and is very concerned about your mental wellbeing...but doesn't bother to enquire about how you are coping when he knows you are trying to keep your head above the water. go figure!

he will readily agree to meet up for catching up on the latest.....but never ever bothers to make the call first. go figure!

he says he love you.......and then disappeared without a trace. go figure!

he says you shouldn't be so reliant on mother's cooking now that she is getting older......but he complains when you don't come back for dinner. go figure!

he says we should be spending more time doing revision with the kids......and then he spends the night reading magazine. go figure!

he gets very chummy with you.....and then suddenly ignores you. who says guys don't have pms. go figure!

he only remembers about your weekly friday night dinner dates when his complacency and security are being threatened. go figure!

he declares that a place is boring and not worth going for holiday before he even knows squat about the place. go figure!

when a guy has made up his mind about something, you can just save your breath. no elephant or typhoon will make that pea-size thing budge.

on days like this, you really believe that you can live without them. who needs men!

the manual of life

just my very own warped view on things. all for the sake of amusement so don't take it too seriously, in the interest of your own mental health :-)

age: 0 to 10

myth: everybody thinks you have it great. you only have to cry and they stick food into your mouth. you don't even have to move. you are the king. school is just play, play and play.

fact: you must be kidding! do you know how annoying it is to have someone continually stick a bottle in your mouth when all you wanted to let them know is your diapers need changing. hey, it's not exactly paradise when that wet smelly thing sticks to your bottom, causing all that itchy and painful rash. baaaaaaah! and i don't understand how they feel school can be fun. they keep us imprisoned in that stinky place with that loud-mouth person standing in front, instructing our every moves. if they wanted us to have fun, then just let me continue lazing infront of the tv. powerpuff girls are coming on again. damn! i have to be stuck here. burrrrrrrp! where is mummy? i want my mummyyyyyyyyy!

age: 11 to 19

myth: everything's exciting. so many new things to learn, to try and to do. you have so much energy, so many friends. all you have to do is study, and when you have done that, you have the rest of the day to play. you don't have a care in the world. unlike adults, who have to bring their work back home and have it forever weigh in their mind whilst they eat, sleep and rest. bills to pay...need i say more?

fact: do you even remember how scary and geeky it feels to be a teenager? always worrying whether people will like you, what you wear, whether people will notice that humongous pimple on your forehead and what your friends are saying behind your back. you have to cram for exams and burn that midnight oil whilst the supposedly over-worked adult is snoozing in his warm bed. and that very first break-up or unrequited love where you thought your heart will never ever be whole again. sure, you don't have to pay bills, but how should i get dad to increase my allowance? i don't think i can last till the end of the month. it feels real stupid to ask a girl out for lunch and then realise you only have enough for mamak. el-cheapo man. looking back, toddlerhood was the best.

age: 20 to 29

myth: wow! you are just starting out in life and the world is yours for the taking. opportunities are everywhere and everybody is willing to give you a chance because you are young and you are beautiful.

fact: beautiful, my ass. behind that flimsy confident facade, i'm scared like shit. i'm pretending to know what i'm doing and it's freaking me out. can someone just give a manual on what i should be doing at this exact time and how i should be doing it? life is so tough. they don't give you a chance, they are harder on you because you are young. you are supposed to go through the hard road to learnnnnnnn. and they can be a bunch of condescending idiots. nobody ever believes that a 20+ year old is capable of handling it. the clients keep waiting for a more senior-looking person to turn up. give me a break! i know what i want in life but i have no idea how to go about getting it. or if it is even remotely in my power to achieve it. don't even talk to me about relationships. if i have to go through the dating, getting to know each other and break-up process one more time, i promise i'll register at the nearest nunnery. looking back, teenage was the best.

age: 30 to 39

myth: ahhhhhh, the age where you are confident of who you are, where you are and what you want. you have the means to indulge in something you like, once in a while. and you are in the comfortable stage of a relationship.

fact: bullshit! oh, you don't give a damn what other people think anymore but you are lost as hell. whatever happened to the direction and vision that you had in your twenties. lost, together with the drive and energy. you are turning cynical and you have not even gone halfway to achieve all the dreams that you have set out when you were 21. infact, you have forgotten what it was.

you have that special someone walking this journey with you, but nobody told you that it was not happily ever after. why are there so many problems after marriage? and shouldn't there be a warning sign distributed to all mother-to-be? "warning: potentially damaging to health and physical appearance of body. irreversible damage, i repeat, irreversible damage. and you know that thing called sleep? you can forget about it for the rest of your life."

you may have the means but never the time to indulge anymore. looking back, twenties was the best. you will forever have to be burdened by this thing called responsibility.

Age: 40 and over

i'll let you know when i get there.

have a good day :-p

you should be so lucky

let's face it. life is not a bed of roses. we take in the bad together with the good and learn to ride the waves. after my post on happiness, to even up the scales, here is a post on sadness.

it sucks when......

.....the needle on the weighing scale edges upwards once again.

.....the food that you can't wait to put in your mouth has actually turned bad.

....someone you value has forgotten your birthday.

....the sales lady informs you that your size is out of stock....in every shop that you go to.

....you have 3 big meals the day before but are constipated the morning after. hee hee.

....your friend stood you up, on a regular basis.

....you have just fouled up big time in your work, and there is no one to pass the blame onto

....something unfortunate happens to your closest and dearest.

you know what? there isn't really that much in life that sucks. sure, you fall sick, you lose something important to you, you hit a few bumps...but you just pick yourself up, brush off the debris and walk on. you are given a bad situation, you just make the most out of it. you lose a guy, well look out because the next one coming your way will be worth your while. you don't have enough money to buy your favourite thing, well save up for it and you'll treasure it more. at the end of the day, if you don't die, just count yourself lucky.

i have never thought of myself as an optimist. far from it, i can always see the dim side of things and friends are often irritated by my persistent pessimistic outlook on matters. however, just when i was trying to come up with the list, hundreds of scenarios run through my head. but to each, my reply was "so what? it isn't really all that bad. life's like that". for the bad things, we just grin and bear it. for the good ones, we are truly grateful.

people have been telling me that i am a very lucky person, to the point that it has become very irritating. whilst their marriage has been falling apart, their families squibbling, their businesses flailing and their wallets calling for help, i have been a picture of perfect bliss to them. so, they pick on me. so much so that i have a hidden murderous urge to strangle the next person who accuse me of happiness.

you will be surprised. wouldn't happiness be a good thing? when people say that you are so lucky, aren't they paying you a compliment? ahhhhhh...then you have to look at their faces when they say it. usually with an empty tone and a little sneer on their face. they make it sound like you have the plague. i get lots of "you will never understand. you are so lucky" and "she is different. she has everything", with such a condescending tone and equally condescending look that you just want to wrap your fingers around their neck, and squeeze until they are blue in the face.

my friend, i am a practical person. that has nothing to do with happiness. you don't wash your dirty laundries in the public and you don't grab the first idiot who walks past and start pouring out your life's sorrow. you don't tell people who you know don't really give a damn that you once contemplated suicide (not that i am saying i did) or that you are barely hanging on to the end of your rope. you don't compete on who has the most tragic life because there is no medal to be won, only unnecessary sympathy. you are given a challenge in life, and you tackle it the very best that you can. you endeavour to return back to happiness and not wallow in self-pity or sadness. i do not want to be sad. i will do whatever i can and in my powers to make myself feel better. i am not an idiot who goes on and on and on and on about their setbacks and stay there for the next decade. i believe that my happiness is in my own hands.

am i luckier then? perhaps.

because i have a more rational brain than yours.

a good friend was he

i have a friend, and a good friend was he.
we set the time and place to meet up for tea.
so good was he, that he just left and let me be,
even before i managed to have a cuppa inside of me.

i started out being very pissy today. for very obvious reasons. i will like to think that i am a fairly reasonable and very tolerant person. but he has never been punctual and i have been frequently taught the very fine skills of 'aeroplane flying' (for those who are lost at this description, please locate a friend adept in cantonese for translation). time and time again, i have been very tempted to clobber him. ohhhh, that would have been very satisfying indeed.

i mean, if you do not have the time for some catching up and a good cup of tea, well......just say so. i am definitely not amused when you have to suddenly disappear after showing your face for 10minutes, and expect the other friend to keep me company. okay, i may be mildly tickled by your first attempt, but the patience quickly runs short when it happens each and every time. i used to just shake my head and roll my eyes at your punctuality habits, or the lack of it. but since david copperfield has trained you as his personal student and you have been doing the disappearing trick, i wonder why i bother.

ahhhh, it felt good to get it off my chest. since i cannot hantam him physically, hammering away at the keyboard does help to alleviate the frustration. and on with my life.......

happiness is...

note: i wrote this sometime back in april but didn't feel like posting it. today, i don't feel like using that grey matter, so i bring you........

happiness

what is happiness to you?

happiness is..........

.......sitting outside, sipping a cup of tea, after the rain has stopped and smelling the sweet damp air.

.......seeing the note on the table left by your partner telling you about the most trivial things.

.......when a friend turns up in your darkest hour.

.......when a mouthful of food awakens your tastebuds........... and memories.

.......when your child gives you a card that she has been making the whole day, with the words "i love you very much mummy" on the front.

.......when you see that your loved ones are healthy and happy.

.......when a friend gives you used stamps from their letters because they know you are a collector.

.......when you say you want to eat your favourite food and your friend offers to buy and bring it to you.

.......when you smell the fresh scent of lemon.

.......driving with the windows down and stereo blasting.

.......watching the sun rise to a new day.

.......when you snuggle against your partner after a long hard day and breathe in that familiar scent.

.......when your favourite author publishes a new book.

.......when you find a long lost friend.

.......when you receive a letter from a friend.

.......when the food that you desire so badly is nicely sitting in your tummy. burrrrppp!

happiness is what you make it.

have you made your happiness today?

this and that

i was going to publish a filler post today (yes, one of many that i have written but was never in the correct mood to publish) and let my brain continue it's aimless wanderings. however, i figured i better get a-kicking before that old grey matter dies out on me.

i have been feeling restless recently but i can't quite pinpoint what's up. i feel like i'm waiting for something to happen.....or something to settle down. eeerrrggghhh! *dig deep big hole and bury uneasy feeling* maybe it's because there are a few topics bouncing randomly in my head but i am not quite in the mood to write them. or maybe i have been taking too many magic mushrooms....hmmmm, i like the pink and purple types best. *shakes head vigorously* i'm rambling again.

since you have been my loyal readers for some time, i have decided to unveil the real 'me' (sengkor, see, i told you this name will be appropriate :-p) for my 100th post. ermm....no, it's not that stick figure picture that cher-cher drew here. *rolls eye upwards* i will post my photo *ahem*, right here on this site, on my 100th post. it's going to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. so, step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and remember to watch out for it, coming straight to you from the people at blogger.com. thank you, thank you. no stunt-double, no computer-editing, just the real mc-coy. for those not the least bit curious and doesn't want to be permanently scarred, please stay away from this blog for at least 2 weeks. for those who choose to remain here, please don't say you have not been warned.

looks like i am going to be rambling aimlessly today. again, those with no patience to read through purposeless pointless drivel, you will have to skip my blog today. for i am determined to digress, confuse, bewilder and speak incoherently today so as to bore the mind out of all readers. for those who are able to stick to the end, a big clap and a hip hip hurray for you, for you can claim to have stuck through adversity and tribulations; the greatest suffering of modern mankind - aimless drivel.

i am about to embark on a great mission; the initiation of a top secret society known only to the closest link. our mission is ........erm, to gather and desseminate information for the good of mankind. however, my very first target will be to lure...ahem, i mean invite members to join this august alliance. before i am making myself confused, i think i should just go ahead and say it in plain simple english.

actually, i will be starting a qigong class soon and i am in the midst of enroping students. noooooo, i am not the teacher. who in their right mind will attend the class if i am the teacher? anyway, it's supposed to be really good for your body and will repair parts that are not functioning optimally. those who have problem raising their flags up and whose lightbulb just flashed above their head when i said the above, please refrain yourself from commenting on it. tie your hands up if you have to. yes, cocka, i am talking about you. i think it's pretty exciting because supposedly, the chi will make your body moves randomly whilst your body is repairing and you will see different coloured lights, depending on the condition of your body. personally, i look forward to seeing a multi-coloured rainbow when i close my eye. well, the course is just for 12 days and so far, i have managed to rope in some close friends and relatives. all in the name of health....and fun, for me. more updates when i actually start the course at the end of this month.

before, i end up with senseless zombies as readers, i shall let you people off the hook from my mindless blabber so that you can return once again to your sane and conventional world.

adieu, until we meet again.

rambling

ciuouristiy klils the cat. i konw but i wnat to try if tihs ralely wroks. riobn tlels me taht jsut by miankg srue i witre the frsit and lsat lteetr in the croerct pacle, i can jmblue the wrdos in bteewen and you wlil siltl be albe to udenrtsnad waht i am witrtnig. hmmm, it semes to be ture, eecpxt taht it wulod hvae srecewd my barin boerfe it secwred yuros. wirtnitg tihs is tugoh wrok man. the barin is raelly a wnorduos tinhg.

phew. i think i killed a few brain cells writing that.

last night, in the dead of the night, some old friends came for a visit. some of you may be wondering what type of friends i have who feel that they have the liberty to come calling in the middle of the night, when all living thing is resting and everything is quiet.

i must say, they couldn't have come at a better time. they were really a sight for sore eyes. don't you agree that friends who appear when you are in need are good friends indeed?

for those who have not followed my stories from before, maybe you need a refresher, go read this then. for those who are too lazy to follow instructions, well, muddle along then.

these friends of mine have put on some weight since i last saw them. yummier, in fact. since i am not too keen on lamb chops, they are at least save from my roaring appetite. having said that, their rump do look very attractive.

*shakes my head and wipes away the drool* anyway, enough updates about their physical attributes. they came willingly along in a line to the same old meadow. yet again, some irresponsible olympics-winner-wannabe athletic has left his hurdle there. they know the routine. obediently, one by one jumped over the hurdle. i am surprised that there was no resistance, no fight, but i suppose they know the routine by now.

they must have trained in secret when they were away for they were highly efficient. by the thirteenth one, i knocked off.

ahhhh, what good and loyal friends. just give me a holler should you ever need to borrow them on those long lonely nights that sleep eludes you.

*****************************

do you ever think about why super heroes have only super-hearing and super-sight out of all our 5 senses?

i know, the strange things that pop into my mind when i am unable to sleep.

i was pondering what super-powers i would like to have if i had the privelege, or misfortune, to become one. the most basic, of course, would be to have all super sensory powers. super-hearing, super-sight, super-touch, super-taste and super-smell.

however, when my imagination continues to soar further, i finally understood why superman never had super-touch. super strength maybe, but definitely not super-touch. can you imagine clark kent having an orgasm everytime his....erm...thingy rubs against his pants?

"hey, lois, about that article i want to talk to you..ah.......ah.........ah......ah....ah....ah...ah..ah..ah.ah.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hmmmm, not a pretty sight.

and super-smell? eughhhhh! can you imagine how it must feel to be able to smell the dumpster 50 miles away or some rotting dead elephant in africa? allllllllll the time? even coco channel no. 5 will just blow you away. having a cold must be a blessing for mr super-nose.

lastly, let's not forget super-taste. you can forget all about seasonings, salt and ajinomoto. eating out will be a big no-no. he will probably need to drink a gallon of water to wash away the taste of one particle of salt. and think about the after-taste of that gallon of water. what will seem like pure clean distilled water to us will probably taste like sewage to him.

sighhhhh! now you know why super heroes only have two heightened sensory powers.

and the story continues.....

i pick up from where it was left off....

"LL was blisfully resting on my firm chest, obviously she looks like one satisfied customer........."

and satisfied she should be. after all, not everyone can claim to have physically sculpted a piece of flabby useless mass to a beautiful creation within a few short hours. infact, nobody ever thought it could be physically possible.

there lied a heap of rubbish; what used to be a man, but in such a state of ruin that even his very source of manlyhood was replaced by a gaping hole, with thick putrifying liquid oozing out. she used every ounce of force available in her body to sculpt, pinch and mould the body, as if it was a putty play-doh. she even managed to replace his balls with titanium-encased ones to protect it from hungry squirrels. ahhhhhhh! she was proud of what her hands had managed to achieve.

the man stood up in all his glory and pranced infront of a mirror to examine his new body. he was all ready for some action now. oh yes! with his new hard and muscle-packed body, he was ready for some serious fun. he walked slowly towards LL, staring enticingly into her eyes as he moved nearer.

"i want to thank you for all that you have done. without you, i won't be what i am now. i want to show you my gratitude....." he said, huskily, his voice thick with suggestion.

the room temperature seemed to have risen dramatically. she felt hot. "i can satisfy you in ways that you can't imagine", he continued, his eyes glowing darkly.

she took a deep breath. she could smell his musky scent.

she leaned close to his ear, and said, "what?! are you crazy?! and have your titanium balls slam into me? in your dreams, man, in your dreams."

with that, she turned swiftly and left.

the ever-morphing me

when i was in hong kong, a friend asked........."would you prefer to live in malaysia or hongkong, given that you will have your family with you wherever you go?"

the question took me by surprise, for it mirrors the one that i have been asking myself for the last decade. however, the thought have not crossed my mind for a long time now. i tried to form the words to express how i feel, to adequately convey my feelings on the matter but i failed miserably. for i am at a lost with regards to my own take on the same.

for many, hong kong is a vibrant land, full of energy and entertainment. most regard the people who resides there as uncouth and cold. i understand the rationale behind their impression but i also realise that most who form that opinion have only scratched the very surface of the society. how they justify their opinion from a 5-days stayover, visiting disneyland and oceanpark, i do not know. it hardly seems fair though. almost like saying malaysians are rude because we do not help pick up the things that clumsy people drop. it is too superficial. but then again, everybody is entitled to their opinion.

over the years, as a result of circumstance, i have made hong kong my second home and i know for a fact that the people there are far from rude. given the fact that hong kong is a highly competitive place and their citizens are always rushing from place to place without ever having enough hours in a day, i can understand the misconception. i, on the other hand, have received nothing but love and laughters from the people around me. even when i patronise the shops, i am greeted with lovely smiles and aiming-to-please attitudes. this is a very stark contrast to the salespeople here who are alternating between hounding customers or ignoring them, depending on their mood for that day.

i am digressing from the point of the story. it was not meant as a pro-hong kong campaign. before cocka complains of another long-winded entry, i shall move quickly to the gist of the story.

it used to be very clear to me which country i prefered. i loved hong kong for making me feel alive. i love the people for their quick-wit and love they lavish on me. despite the seasonal cold climate i felt the warmth that enveloped me. there was nothing much holding me back here, except for perhaps one person or two. i was here, but my heart was there.

now, however, i am unable to tell. too many years later, hong kong seems to have lost its appeal and the people are changing. or is it me? they are still them, as loving and giving as ever. hong kong is still vibrant and exciting. why have i changed?

that's life, i guess. you think you know what you want. you are sure of your goals and your likings. but when you are not paying attention, it changed. even without your realising it. it crept up stealthily behind you and grab the 'you' that you once knew and substituted with another person. one day, you wake up and ask yourself the same question. and you realise your answer is not the same anymore. you cannot justify your new emotions, nor can you pinpoint the exact moment that it changed. but you just know that you are not the same. i look back and realise that i am a different person than i was, say ten years ago. but if i was hard-pressed to say exactly what is different, i wouldn't even know what to say. it's not for the better. nor for the worse. just......different.

and so, i begin the journey to rediscover myself. to re-learn my likes and dislikes. to understand my feelings. with the correct questions from the correct people, i am learning a little more about myself.

i return to your arms..................

i return to this familiar domain with aching limbs and body, yet a fully refreshed mind. before i embark into the story of my leave, i will like to discuss a phenomenon that i have come across. not during the time i was away but right here, in the blogosphere.

i shall call this the 'you must be from ipoh' phenomenon.

okay, the law goes like this; if you are a blogger from malaysia, and you are not from kl, there is a 79.876% that you are from ipoh. now, why is that? everybody seems to be from ipoh. i know for a fact that it is not a very big town. with a population of 566,000 or so the internet search engine tells me. but everybody is from ipoh. i mean, i don't have anything personal against people from ipoh, despite that fact that i was once jilted by an idiot from that very same place. :-o infact, i have formed the impression that the town produces excellent breed of very attractive people, male and female. we have a few others from here and there, but if you carry out a survey, you will realise that majority of the bloggers, or maybe it's only limited to the select few that i am familiar with, are from........all together now.....ipoh.

does this mean that ipoh-ians have a higher degree of computer literacy? or do they have some secret society there that pushes blogging? blog or you risk death! or were all ipoh-ians exposed to some highly radioactive debris from some nearby atomic explosion at some point in their life, causing all of them to have this irrestible urge to blog? heyyyyy, i'm not making fun of our dear citizens from ipoh, but my curiousity has been incited. can someone please explain this strange phenomenon to me?

ok, i move on to my holiday. it was short. it was sweet. i did not manage to visit mickey's new house, but then again since his hometown is like my second home, i'll leave it for another time. i am sorry i did not take any photos.....but since i don't think you will be particularly interested in what i ate there....or whom i met there......i never saw the reason to fish out my trusty camera. *grins* there was also the fact that i didn't my camera in the first place.

ahhhhh...but i did bring souveniers. since there were sooooooooo many readers *ahem*, i had a difficult time deciding what to get so that there will be no fights and rough shovings and pushings in haste to get their share. since it's my darling mickey's territory, it's only fair that i get something that will remind you of him. ok, step right up with your magnifying glass and pincer. we'll leave the rest of the story for next time. go on, go out there and get your little momento.
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one rat hair per person, pleaseeeeeee. and remember, no shoving and pushing.