a cold place to be

*stamp* another chop to seal my fate as a cynist.

the world is such a cold place. when will something come that restores my faith in all things beautiful?

i bumped into an old family friend today, one that i have not met for ages. as always, i was respectful and sweet (yes yes, this blog is my alter-ego). she found it appropriate to dump the sad stories of her life onto my lap, 1.5 minutes into our conversation, and all i could do was provide a listening ear. all that i could do.

a typical afternoon soap opera where anything bad that can possibly happen did. her aging husband has alzheimer's and no longer recognises anybody, herself included. no longer the powerful, influential man he was, she finds the family suddenly out of everybody's favour. her daughter's husband left the family two years ago, leaving behind a son that constantly cried for him and god knows what emotional scars. the same old story...met another sexier, younger, more beautiful and perhaps richer or of more influential background. another statistic to confirm my theory of faithless husbands. at the age when she should be reaping the rewards of the seeds she sowed, instead she's running around babysitting her troubled grandson. and airing her dirty laundry for anyone who cares to hear (i was sitting quietly nearby when she was re-telling the same story to a stranger before i greeted her). if our conversation was not cut short by the sudden appearance of another soul, whom she re-told the exact same story, i don't know what other calamity her life story will unfold into....

sigh!

i don't know when i will be less empathetic...when other people's sad tales will not depress me, when i can just let it flow in from one ear and out the other....

anyone has any inspiring stories to brighten my day?

for crying out loud

*pops open a can of soft drink*

ahhhhhhhh...finally, some time to steal a break. a short one before i plunge back into the madness of these couple of days. yesterday, the first break i had for lunch was at 2:30pm, and only then because i was too weak to continue. i'm rushing to tie up loose ends before i head down to the little dot tomorrow for another span of moonlighting. as a chef, a maid (sorry, no sexy short french maid uniform for moi), a hospital escort and a slave.

the good thing is...i get to leave behind the pile of files on my desk and let it accumulate a thicker surface of dust. the bad thing is........there's absolutely nothing to do in the little red dot. don't listen to the recent spat of advertisements in the paper. i'm telling you....there is nothing to do there. one can only shop so much...and currency exchange doesn't exactly make it a conducive place to murder your wallet. i've been to vivo, the hottest and newest place in town, and it's really not as great as it's cracked up to be, nor as big as i thought it would be actually. (sorry, citizens of the little red dot. don't be offended. it's a fact).

i have a list, albeit an imaginary one in my head, of things to do. i'm going swimming (putting down sunblock in check list), if i don't chicken out before my feet touches the freezing cold water. i'm going to the singapore science center....or the convention center...i don't know. i'm going cycling!! this is the highlight of my trip. cycling, cycling, cycling! malaysians will know that there aren't many good places to cycle here. singapore....they have a long stretch of road meant just for cycling...and get this, along the seaside!!! in my stuck-uppy opinion, that's the best thing they have going for them. then again, not everybody likes to cycle.... watch out for your feet, hands and other body parts, people in singapore. i'm an unlicensed, unqualified and untrained cyclist. for the sake of life-preservation, stay away from east coast!

what else is there? please spare me the zoo, botanic garden, night safari, sentosa, dhl balloon stuff. i may be bored...but i'm still lucid. pooh? monty? any help?

i'll update if i have anything interesting to share. but if you don't see me....the hot sun could have fried my brain. those who will be missing me.....please don't cry so loud horrrrr. your neighbour may be wondering why.

inherited

looking at him, i know he is my son.

he holds many of my traits....

but i have never realised that he likes to stare at clouds and let his imagination take over....pretty much like his mother. he saw an elephant...but i saw a puppy.

i smile.

we are cut from the same cloth.

cloud fantasizing....an inherited trait?

i have not found the time to look up into the sky for a long while now.....

my legs are too busy planted firmly in the ground and my eyes focused on the horizon.

one is truly getting old when one loses little magical characteristics like this.

learning to say

this post is crude and full of expletives. for those who may be easily offended, please do not read!


today, i'm conducting a class. there is one phrase that i will like to teach all of you. a very handy phrase. for those who know me really well, they will know that i have a problem with uttering this phrase. something to do with childhood scars and all. i don't make a habit of saying it...............but perhaps i should.


for the times when i'm reluctant to make use of the people resources available to me for fear of causing them inconvenience, and rather toil by myself, putting everything on my own shoulder......FUCK YOU!

for those people whom i hold my tongue and don't want to hurt, but in turn is insensitive to my feelings.....FUCK YOU!

for those who take advantage of my good nature because i don't like to scold and scream......FUCK YOU!

for those around me who claims that they love me but can't see and hear..........FUCK YOU!

for the times when i put others before me........FUCK YOU!

for the times when i take on more than i can or should, just because i want others to be happy......FUCK YOU!

for those who twist everything and made me feel as if it is my fault.........FUCK YOU!

for the times i thought what i did or said mattered............FUCK YOU!

for those who say one thing but do or mean another.......FUCK YOU!

for those words said in the heat of the moment without thinking which broke my heart..............FUCK YOU!

for those who abuse me because i don't like to say no..............FUCK YOU!

for those that made my cynical and disillusioned..........FUCK YOU!

for the things that i do......that others can't even 'see', much less appreciate.........FUCK YOU!

for those that should care.....but doesn't.............FUCK YOU!

for those who made me the punchbag.......just because i love them..........FUCK YOU!

for the things that i have given up..............FUCK YOU!

for those that think they can buy my happiness with money........FUCK YOU!

for those that think they can manipulate me with the things they say or do........FUCK YOU!

for those that pretend they care.............FUCK YOU!

for those who call only when they have an agenda on hand..............FUCK YOU!



for me, for being this way...................FUCK YOU!

i don't give a damn anymore.........at least not for now.

twisted

i am me's lo (man). you can call me milo (me-lo).

what is this?

i hate writing, as opposed to my wife, but she is sitting there, staring at me with her arms crossed and face as black as charcoal. said i have to write about 5 things she pisses me off with and 5 things she did that conned me into marrying her. i'm telling you, this will be among the 1st thing on the list that is pissing me right now.......

something about king's wife tagging her......i have no idea how Seri Paduka Baginda Raja Permaisuri Agong comes into the picture or that she even knows her. still, if it's an order from her royal majesty, i better comply. counting her faults ahhhhh....*rubbing hands with glee*...this is every husband's dream....telling what pisses me off and living to see the light of day. fire away!

1. you see this little lady yakking away here? don't think that she is talkative and long-winded, once she is angry, she clams her mouth shut. screwdriver also cannot pry that damn thing open. i will rather she throw some pots or plates (but don't scratch my precious cd collection lah) and just release some of those tension....but no, this one gives cold treatment....like hell freezes over like that. sighhhhh!

2. don't know what she has to blog......so many things to write night and day. if got something to say, don't directly come to my face and say it.....must go to her blog and read about it. read already nevermind, still cannot discuss her blog with her.....something about it affecting the things she write.....sometimes i wonder why i marry this crazy woman lah. sometimes talk to her also worry she will post it in her blog. i wonder if all bloggers' spouses got this fear or not?

3. she says she likes to label things and compartmentalise things....yah! into small piles of rubbish heap everywhere. sigh! a pile of books here, a collection of papers there....she doesn't comprehend the idea of putting things back where it belongs. if she takes off her jeans, you can literally see the jeans 'stand' there for days. and things will stay there until she finds the time to pay attention to it again. lucky thing i don't keep my clothes in the same place with hers...i won't be able to even go through the door.

4. this woman is very lazy. if i don't nag at her, she won't do any exercise. everyday sit on the butt, like trying to grow that thing that is sticking behind her like that. if i don't go for yoga, you can bet she won't be going. you can almost see the look of relief on her face on days that i choose to skip classes. where got woman so lazy one?

5. this aunty 36 years old already, everyday still want to wear sexy sexy. shirt also don't want to button all the way to the top. don't know want to show to who leh? think she still hot sexy kitten, want to show here and there. everytime must remind her 'very cold lah, bring extra sweater'. like that also cannot get my hint. sheesh!


why did i marry her? she's first class con-woman lah.

1. where did that sweet, domesticated gentle lady go? she talked also 'ter seng ter hei'. i think they switched her on the wedding day. they alternated her with a screaming mother and a tired old lady. *peering at marriage certificate* no money back guarantee meh, this thing?

2. she wooed me with all those chicken curry she cooked. you know lah, i'm from hong kong. where got eat chicken curry before. so spicy until i cannot see straight also. that's why my vision blurred.

3. last time she borrowed instant noodles from me, also she insisted on giving back. so touching like that. how am i to know now kena conned into buying flowers and presents for her for every festivity. you know one year got how many occasions or not? headache lah. mother's day just passed....now must start thinking of her birthday!!

4. when dating, she was so attentive. travelling also pack the bags for me. everything i come first. now, i think i am no. 3 on the list.............. if i am lucky. want to talk also must wait until the kids finish their turn. wait until my neck long also cannot get a word in. somemore call me king of the castle........ more like servant of the abode!

5. i fell for the biggest con of the century and it all started with a measly box of egg roll!

*losing the gruffy voice, transformed back to leng-leng me*

for the love of it

blogging is tiring.

exposing yourself to people that you don't know. people who are ready to judge you on a few mere sentences. people who believe they know you like the back of their hand because of the stories that you have told. people whom you have no inkling about.

it's a fair game when other bloggers drop by and read your stories....you can stop by their blogs for a little chat too, get to know them a little more and exchange tales, develop a friendship that is superficial at worst. sometimes, that scale is not as balanced. people that you have never seen, never heard and most certainly never known acts presumptously, classifying you into categories based on only a single aspect of your life that they know.

i like meeting people....but it's frightening when strangers drop by and act like we have known each other for centuries. perhaps i'm old-fashioned. to me, friendships are those developed through time, through thick and thin and through good and bad. friendships are when both sides are giving. i don't know what i should or shouldn't write anymore. i don't know what i should say. i don't want this blog to be superficial...but i'm wary. this is how the real world turns an idealist into a cynic.

it's tiring when you have to defend your own thoughts, explain your actions. some doesn't listen, they just judge. i blog to balance my life...to leave the sadness behind. everybody who reads has their own interpretation, their own views, tempered by their own lifestyles, who they are. it's tiring to justify myself to others, especially when i'm already so low.



blogging used to be comforting. now it's treading on scary.

sometimes i wonder.....why do i still blog?

i know. because i still enjoy writing.

driving by

as my car was driving by.......

i saw him sitting there....

picking his nose with his finger.

his finger turned clockwise and counter-clockwise, digging in with such fervour.



sometimes, i wish i have a faster car

and all images like this will only become a blur.

friends

the blogosphere is a strange place.

when the world is cold and unfriendly, when your friends are not many......you turn to the blogosphere. people from all races and places drop by, hanging on to every word that you say, faithfully tuning in day afer day to the crap that you write. when you are happy, they are there, cheering you as you go along. when you are down, they turn up in troves, with words so touching to support you on your journey.

as time goes, you believe. you think of them as your friends. they probably know more about you than any other friend you have.

then you realise. most of them haven't actually been listening. most of them don't really care. they read....but they don't listen. you disappear for a few days. they let you be. some turn up, looking for new updates. some move on. some don't even realise you are gone.

then the cold truth hits you....it's all a mirage. the love is not really there. you can't tell the difference from those that really care or those who wants some entertainment to pass the day. friends shouldn't be like that......

a friend will call me when i am down. a friend will call me when she doesn't hear from me. a friend will know what's best for me and pull me out for some company even when she knows i don't want to see anybody. a friend will try to make me laugh when she knows i am down. a friend can feel it when i am down. a friend will scold me when i need scolding. a friend will not leave me alone.

the idiot

i am a conniving manipulative bitch.

HD wanted to reheat frozen dimsum for breakfast.

i wanted my glorious instant noodles.

i gave in....since he was cooking.

however, when the food was done, as i was taking it out of the steamer, i let it slipped on the floor. dim sum, plate and all....

.......so that i can have my instant noodle.

.......so that i can get down on all four to pick up the pieces and clean the floor.

...... so that i can have the risk that the broken plate may cut my hand.

.......so that i can waste food.

.......so that i can have one less plate and have an incomplete set.

......so that i can re-cook my breakfast myself.

.....so that i can whine here about the hot steamy dimsum lying pathetically on the floor, amidst the broken pieces. *drool*

.....so that i have something to blog about.

what an idiot i am :-p

i forget

sometimes i forget to be witty.

sometimes i forget to be funny.

sometimes i forget to laugh.

sometimes i forget to be happy.



can someone keep reminding me?


i'm strange.

some people like sweet nothings. some people go for lovey-dovey stuffs. others melt at fake compliments and syrup-dripping sweetness.

me? i like sarcasm. witty, pointed sarcasm. the point being witty, of course.

comeon, baby, whisper clever sarcasm in my ears...

that's just life

i'm tired. so tired. tired of fighting all those battles. tired of engaging in yet another war. but that is life, isn't it? after one hurdle, we get another, to test our will and strength.

the strength of a person is measured by how fast they stand back up after they fall......i, for one, fail desperately. for years after i received that middle of the night phonecall informing me of my grandfather's death, i freeze whenever the phone rings again late at night. that was my first experience with death. looking back at all the times i fell, i never seemed to have learnt how to let go....even after so long. perhaps it's part of life. perhaps that is what makes us who we are.

when i was young, my primary concern centered around myself. what should i do? what should i eat? as i grow older, my world expanded. to those around me; first my boyfriend, who later became my husband. just me and him, in our little world. loving and caring for him was easy, albeit it took a period of adjusting. it was no longer what i wanted, but what we both can do together. accomodating just one other individual in the plans and my thoughts was easy. then came the babies......life is no longer for yourself. every minute of every day, you have given up your thoughts, your time, your soul to caring and providing for them. they will not grow up fast enough....yet they seem to grow up too fast. motherhood is full of ironies.

as you age, and perhaps this is the worst part, the people around you age as well. people whom you never have to worry about, suddenly have to take center stage. you fight their battles for them. you hold them when they need comfort. this is the cycle of life. they were there when you need them, now it's your turn.

i don't know how other people do it, how they stand back up after each fall. it's not so much physical exhaustion, as much as mental. you think life is tough now....it gets worse. it's almost like there is someone with a twisted sense of humour up there.

but perhaps that's just life.

a letter to her royal highness

to my most respected queen,

i apologise for taking the most daring initiative of writing this letter to you and going against all protocol. i am writing this humble letter to seek your forgiveness for not being able to carry out the task which you have handed to me.

at the present moment, my nation is under great distress. the slightest word may signal the commencement of our version of 'world war 3'. our nation does not take kindly to criticism at this stage in time. as such, i humbly request that i abstain from the most honorable task which you have assigned to me. if i may be so bold as to say, i will instead perform the reversed and twisted version of it. it is always safer when the fire is not aimed at the oil. :-p



forever your humble servant,



me

my secret cove

leisurely...i took a stroll, with my heart so heavy and my mood so down. i walked here and there, not knowing what i am looking for. i looked aimlessly at people drifting by. i look around to see where my wandering footsteps have brought me...to this place that looked at once empty yet familiar. tired, i sat down for a little while. it felt like home. i took off my load and let my guard down...just for a little while. a little place to be me, a little place to hide.......my secret cove.

i never thought i will revive this blog. if felt wrong to be writing personal feelings in the other one, almost as if i am burdening others with the loads in my soul. i know some of my readers are uncomfortable with my personal posts, glaring from the obvious lack of comments in the 'heavier' ones. some people do not want to know, frankly do not even care; deep emotions make them uncomfortable. which is fine actually. to each their own, i always say.

i have not been able to write about my personal feelings for some time. perhaps it is because of the closeness with my readers. perhaps it is the increasing transparency...

i need a place to be able to voice my feelings, to let it out and leave it there. i need a place to balance the outwardly smile and joyfulness i portray, a place to be melancholy and dark without hurting anyone. this place is ideal because it is deserted and forsaken. it is a place where few visits and no one listens.

this place doesn't shout for visitors. bloggers, that have now become friends, are not obliged to feel that they must come. in turn, i do not feel that i have to smile...except perhaps when my heart smiles.

happy mother's day

annie's tag

what did you do on saturday?

some of us will be out roaming the shopping malls in the city, for lack of a better activity to pass time. others will be having lunch with family members and friends, catching up on socialising during the weekends. we did both, wandering around like zombies, not too crazy about the idea of returning to an empty home. however, both activities felt hollow and empty; tired and defeated we decided to retreat.

back home, with my cut-off shorts and sleeveless t, i found that home is still where the heart is. i felt the peace and calm that have been eluding me in recent weeks. my bed beckons but i ignore its calls.

instead, i think i'll attack annie's tag; the things that i will and won't settle for. perhaps it's my mental state of mind in recent days; i find each and every tag that comes my way a little too heavy too handle. i actually had to google for my answers!

things that i won't settle for:
1. lack of air
2. lack of food
3. lack of water

things that i will settle for:
1. lousy air
2. lousy food
3. lousy water

ok, tag slain. thank you, annie.









yes, and you will probably never see or hear from me again after annie is done with me...if i answer the tag as above, that is.

seriously, things i will not settle for.....

1. taking a clue from annie, i have to agree that i will never settle for an abusive relationship; mentally or physically. i can spot an a**hole when i see one, but perhaps it takes me a couple of months...or years to recognise one *grins*

2. anybody harming my kids. they will have to deal with me first!

3. hubby having an affair. many women will be able to close one eye and continue the marriage, for the sake of the children. i know i am not one of them, and i will never be. if his heart loves another, i don't think i want his body......to torture or donate to science, maybe..

4. a man who expects to be waited on hand and foot. *rolls eyes* you'll be surprised, in this day and age, that there are many cavemen that survived the ice age. then again, you would have thought they have evolved all these time...but they didn't.

5. shallow pretentious friends. i rather have none. enough said.


things i will settle for:

wow. this list is non-exhaustive, i think. lousy food, lousy air, lousy pollution....

1. mediocracy. most people want good, or even great. so do i. but i know i'm not and never will be, in most things. so, i'm willing to be lousy. hey, it's a lousy job, baby, but somebody's got to be it.

2. lousy service. this ticks me off each and everytime and i wish i can shove it up their a##. still, i hold it in and accept that it's all part and package of this stupid country.

3. not being able to find the time, or energy, to keep everything neat and tidy. in my heart, i'm a perfectionist. i prefer everything to be compartmentalised, labelled and in alphabetical order. in reality, i just chuck it aside. *grins*

4. not being able to fulfill all my dreams. we don't live in this world exclusively. sometimes, we have to take into consideration the circumstances and the feelings of others. we make sacrifices. sometimes we are filled with regrets....but this is the road that was chosen, and given another chance, i will still make the same decisions.


for now, this is it. i'll come back and add to the list when inspiration strikes.

a strange experience

sunday....just when everyone's celebrating mother's day, i'm struck with a case of the black (blue doesn't even begin to describe the mood). i think it's clinical depression...or maybe merely a sign of indigestion.

i've given up trying to understand my feelings but try as i might, i couldn't shake it off. it's dragging its feet into the new week. perhaps a tablet of prozac...or a box or two....will help me see the light. then again, it's not as if there is something i can put my finger on. if it's purely hormonal, how do you scream at your hormones and give it a punch and a kick?

i tear at the lamest plot in the movies. my heart feels heavy and compressed....more signs of indigestion? i haven't heard my own laughter for some time.

i had one and a half hour to spare in between errands, and sick of roaming the unopened stores, i stepped inside a starbucks. it was a strange experience. perhaps it was the aroma of the coffee....or the coffee itself. maybe it was the soft piped-in jazz music or the lighting. i felt a load lift from my shoulder. there was no pressure to entertain anyone and provide good conversation, except perhaps to the empty air that was seated opposite me. i stared at the artistic patterns the water misting fan was making with its flow of waterdrops. i looked at people walking past and let my eyes moved with the hustle and bustle.

for some unknown and unexplainable reason, it calmed me. it infused strength back into my heart, albeit a little. it made me feel better....even if it was for a little while. a little time to take off all the load, a little place to just be myself.

looking inside a kaleidoscope

sometimes we forget - simple things which we have taken for granted, can evoke such joy in the heart of a naive child.

i gave this to my daughter. she thinks it looks magical...and she's carrying it everywhere she goes.

i look through it and was brought into their magical world.

for mothers, the whole world round

when you fall asleep on the sofa, do you have someone who quietly walks up to you, and cover you with a blanket?

do you have someone who rather eat a little less and be a little hungry, so that you can have that last two pieces of your favourite chicken wing?

is there someone in your life who loves you unconditionally, even when you compromise on your principles and do something that you are not very proud of?

someone who gives so selflessly and puts you above themselves?

when you have been working hard at work, do you come back to a delicious meal, prepared by someone who has spent the whole day sloughing over the hot stove so that you will at least have a decent meal?

it's such a pity that not many knows how to appreciate until it is too late, and not even then. people the whole world over scramble in their race, for what not many knows. something materialistic? wealth, power, status? only until they have reached their goal will they realise that it is never enough, never satisfying, that the emotional void in their heart is still empty, yearning. but what glory is there in a lesson that is learnt too late?

we know there is something else in life that we want, but come down to it, none of us can pinpoint exactly what we are looking for. perhaps the problem lies in our nearsightedness, to those that love us. will the promotion that you are shooting for bring you warmth? will a million dollars bring you love? will that red sports car bring you a smile that glows from the heart? not to say that one shouldn't strive for these, but do you remember the last time you slighted someone who loves you, just so you can take another step closer to your goal? that time that you looked at her, but you did not see, because your eyes were blinded by material things?

to my two children, i am that person who wakes up in the middle of the night to check whether they have kicked off their blanket.

i am the one who monitors whether they have enough to eat, taken too much or too little.

i am there to kiss off their cuts and pains, to hold them when they fall.

i am the one who looks into every aspect of their well-being.......

yet, don't get me wrong. i am not someone great, someone kind nor someone marvellous....i am just their mother.

mothers everywhere in the world love their children every single second of every day, without asking for recognition or reward. to them, it's just another fact of life, as sure as the sun rising from the east. it's not something admirable, it's not something enviable. it's just love.... plain and simple.

for me, i have someone who knows with a glance that i have lost weight, even when not a single soul in the whole wide world notices.

someone who knows for a fact that my hands are rougher from all those dishwashing liquids, even without having to touch it.

someone who slothers the cream on my hand, even when i couldn't even bother to spare a minute to think about it.

i have someone whose life centered around asking me, amongst others, what i would like to have for the next meal and spend the afternoon making it, day after day.

a person who trudged up six flights of stairs on two bad knees, just to bring me food and companionship during confinement.

she's not perfect. there was more i wanted when i was growing up..... a hug, a kiss...but then you understand, it's not what you want, it's how you appreciate what has been given. everybody loves in different ways....it's up to us to recognise it for what it is....love.

knowing that someone loves us as we are, no need for promotions, increase bonus, perkier bums, thicker wallets or facial surgery, isn't that enough? even your partner, who declared for better or worse, cannot offer the same magnitude of love. that handsome man who was crooning lovely words in your ear, would he be there for you when you are old? will his love still shine when you are gray? did he noticed when you coughed last night? did he ask whether you have eaten? did he love without asking for anything in return?

a person who has a mother's love is perhaps the luckiest person on earth. why then is it still not enough? why then are some still blind to their fortune?

note: re-reading this post, i feel it's so corny i can die. still, it's emotions evoked after reading another blogger's post.

constipation

in case you're wondering.............






i'm verbally constipated at the moment.

what goes around comes around

do you believe in what goes around comes around?

can't say i did. all those karma stuff doesn't wash with me. i've seen lots of evil people go free and young innocent ones condemned. life just isn't fair.

recently, we bought some tickets to catch "the phantom of the opera" musical in singapore. don't get me wrong, i'm not artsy fartsy, just pretending to be. *grins* we thought it was such an irony that we didn't catch any musicals when we were studying in u.k....so we decided to see for ourselves what all the hoo-hahs are all about.

muffling the screaming pain of our wallets, we got four tickets for the family. which we ended up not being able to see, because of the recent 'exhilarating' episodes within the family. gave the tickets to my cousin and her family, who came back with excellent reviews of the musical. *pout* excellent costumes, songs, bla, bla, bla.....yes, thank you. i wanted to know that so much! it was a pity we couldn't go but it can't be help, considering the circumstances. we can go again now....but the enthusiasm is not quite there to murder my wallet again.

in a twist of fate, yesterday someone offered me free tickets to the 'my fair lady' musical in k.l.! eight tickets too! *gasp*

is someone up there looking out for me?

thank you....

rendezvous

bought two packets of nasi lemak early morning today.

we'll be able to sit side-by-side and have breakfast together, watching the beautiful orange glow as the sun rise above the horizon.

we can gaze into each other's eyes whilst we exchange small talks, holding hands like bubbling teenagers.

one mouth for you, one mouth for me.

how romantic......



just.........me and my maid.

as first impression goes

there is this man in my office.

i have never been very fond of him. that is actually putting it mildly. simply put, he gets on my nerve.

even before i saw his face. which is amazing, if you think of it. i saw his handwriting first and as first impression goes, it looked terribly untidy and messy to me. it was not one of those doctor's handwriting type of illegibility, it's just plain untidy.

so, before i even saw his face, he has struck out in the impression department.

when i first spoke to him over the phone, he had this laughter which curdled by blood each time i hear it. it was mocking as well as deprecating at the same time. plus he never failed to punctuate each conversation with a few of those annoying laughters. there was no warmth, no genuineness, no friendliness in the whiny laughter. there was definitely no humour present. there was nothing faintly amusing to laugh at in the first place in the conversations, professional as i was.

it's all in my mind though, i've never let him see how i roll my eyes at each of his laughter. it's very unfair of me, i know, for i never took the time to know him better. frankly, i'm not even interested to know him better. yes, it's quite evil of me. still, as impression goes, this one was how it went.

anyway, yesterday fate saw it fit to drag me to the office and hand a payment to this same man. when he signed on the payment voucher and handed me back the cheque instead of the payment voucher, and upon realising the mistake gave another of those deprecating laugh, it was like a window suddenly opened in front of me. i realised, with a start , the reason for these annoying laughters.

i don't know why i never realised it. i must have been side-tracked by my prejudiced. this man is actually nervous when talking to me, or when dealing with me. i've never thought of myself as being that frightening, hence perhaps that bulb never dawned over my head. i stood infront of him and watched how he messed up the simple act of returning the voucher and keeping the cheque. i now understand why he gave those hysterical cackles when there was obviously nothing mildly amusing to laugh at.

it wasn't at me. it was a nervous laugh at himself.

perhaps it was my own lacking in self-confidence that made me unable to see the truth. perhaps in this world of human interaction, where we unwittingly add our own uncertainty and apprehension, we complicate the whole simple picture with our personal feelings.

then again, maybe i misinterpreted the whole thing and he's just an idiot.

we are weak, as we are human

i'm back.

my body feels like it has just gone through labour camp, aches and pains in places i never knew existed.

of course i brought some souveniers back; some sniffing and a germ or two............million.

i hate hellos.....it means more goodbyes.

i hate reunions.....separation is usually not far from sight.

i hate laughters....tears are bound to follow.

i miss my hubby.

i'm sick and grumpy today.