of life and living

she lost 1/3rd of her weight in the span of a few months. something is wrong, somewhere. nobody knows why. everywhere, you hear whispers behind her back. have you seen her lately? what's wrong with her? has she seen a doctor? she really should go to a doctor.

she's obstinate, i give her that. faced with a thousand questions and a million possiblities, she keeps putting off the visit to the doctor. is it because she has already guessed the answer? or is it because she is afraid to know? i am sure she has her reasons. we all do.

what disturbs me the most, perhaps, is that no one has done more for her. faced with the prospect of death, or at the very least the possibility of some serious illness, no one has thought it appropriate to physically haul her to the nearest doctor for some indepth investigation. many whispered. many asked. some advised. a few nagged and scolded. but none, in the period of a few months, watching her waste away to almost nothing, thought it was correct to go against her illogical decision and physically drag her for some medical attention. her 'friends' did not. her relatives did not. her husband did not.

they are afraid of upsetting her, of going against her wish. i can understand it is not the place of her casual friends to say more, but her closest and dearest? it's her own will, it's her own life, that i comprehend. but there must be a stage where you stop a person from suicide, much as the person wants to. faced with someone threatening to jump off the edge, don't you attempt to stop her?

the saddest is that no one thought appropriate to stop her from killing herself. no one thought themselves dear enough, close enough to stop her from causing more harm to herself. whispers, nudges, stares. at what point do the slapping, the scolding, the physical hauling begins? if she can't think for herself, isn't the nearest and dearest responsible for taking over that duty? if you love someone, how can you watch that person waste away just like that? the saddest thing is that she had no such person. no one who loved her enough to scold her, who wasn't afraid of upsetting their own image in her eyes, who loved her life more than she loved herself.

i was thinking of how sad it will be if it was to happen to me one day. how sad it will be if no one cared enough to take over the responsibility of caring for myself when i am not making sound decisions. no friend who would scold me, threaten even the withdrawal of our friendship when i am causing harm to myself. how many would turn up and cry at my funeral? i have no confidence that my own scenario will be any better. acquaintances? i have pagesful. friends? they call themselves that. relatives? we are close. but people who will feel my absence, whose life will be a little emptier, a little quieter when i leave? i have only a handful. for that perhaps, i should already be grateful. but it doesn't seem enough. that i have managed to only touch so few lives on my time here.

recently, in hong kong, lydia sum, popular entertainer of her times, passed away after a long battle with cancer. during her funeral, thousands turned up to pay their last respect. friends, relatives, even people she had never met nor known. many cried their eyes out. tears trickled, tears poured. eventhough she left at a considerably young age, i still feel she has lived her life. she has touched many lives and many will feel her lost. she has loved and she was loved.

that is to die without regret.