looking in the face of death

they say that when your life is hanging by a thread, that when you are on the brink of death, your life will flash before your eyes. i waited in the oppressing silence that blanketed us all, but my mind was completely blank. no visual images flitted through my brain, no past pictures spinned through my consciousness like the film reel in a movie theater. there was nothing except apprehension, and fear. cold debilitating fear.

we were seconds away from touchdown onto the airport runaway. it has been a good holiday, a little too cold perhaps, a little tiring, but a welcomed break from the hustle and bustle of the daily grind. i could see the trees and the grass on the ground, and was instinctively bracing myself for the soft jolt of the wheels hitting the tarmac. it never came. instead the airplane abruptly increased its speed again and took off into the sky once more. in that split second, i could feel cold numbing fear spreading through my body. my first instinct was to throw a protective hand over the little one that was seated next to me.

what could have gone wrong? why are we flying into the sky again instead of landing? is there something wrong with the plane? a million questions raced through my mind, all unspoken for fear of raising panic amongst my little ones. the higher the plane rose, the greater my fear became. the chances of surviving a crash to the ground is drastically diminishing by the milli-seconds, i acknowledged with a sinking heart. will this be my last thought? will i get a chance to laugh about this, to share my story? will this be the end?

i told myself not to be afraid, that i have no reason to be afraid. i have done all that i wanted to do, all that i can do. i have lived a good life. my only regret perhaps was that my children were too young and that they did not have the chance to live their life. still, we were together. the cabin was deafening with the sound of silence. not a sound in the air. everybody looked around nervously at each other, the same questions shining in their eyes. suddenly, the flight attendant announced on the p.a., 'please turn off your handphone'. i couldn't believe that i will be dying because of someone's idiocy, someone's obstinateness! without communication, we were just a hair's breadth from flight disaster. after a short while, the flight attendant announced again with an urgent tone, 'please turn off your handphone immediately!'. sigh. is it too late? will turning off the handphone stop the plane from crashing few hundred feet onto the cold hard ground below?

after what seemed like an eternity, after surrending myself to fate, the pilot finally came on the air. 'please do not be alarmed. there was traffic on the runaway just now, so we will be making a turn around and attempt to land again'. everyone was relieved. at the very least, we were not facing a malfunctioning plane. so we came very near to crashing into another plane on the runaway, still we are in once piece now, right? the worst should be behind. somehow, the error with the traffic controller did not surprise me in the least. still, i would have been grateful to be spared the terror and subjected instead to the plain old boring drill of landing safely and uneventfully on the ground, aside from the slight jolt to the fragile body. never have the jostle been welcomed with such warm relief a few minutes later, signifying that we were once again on good ol' hard ground. i was seriously contemplating whether to fall onto my knees on the hard tarmac and kissing the ground passionately. somehow i didn't think they will look favourably on my running out of the jetbridge and making a crazy dash for the strictly-authorised-personnel-only tarmac. i made do with a weak smile and a quick prayer to the powers that be.