the past week

another night spent tossing and turning in restless sleep. kept waking up to look at the glowing numbers beside me. i didn't want to fall into comatose slumber and miss him leaving without so much as a click of the door. 15 years of marriage and i still miss him even before he is out the door.

it has been the longest 2 weeks. i am surprised that time can pass so slow. the last memory that father time crawled was when i was still young and naive and a weekend in a beachside resort was like a year in an underground torture chamber. now that will sound like heaven to my ears but then that's a different subject matter. for the last week, we have been waiting for a single piece of paper. 25 people with their breaths caught in their throat, waiting for a single piece of paper, their lives in limbo, doing nothing significant, making no significant decisions until that paper is out. a paper that will determine our lives for the rest of the year.

finally, mil's biopsy report came back, normal. a big sigh of relief for all concerned. cancer is so scary not because of the shadow of death that lurks behind the diagnosis but the long slow ordeal that follows. the hours of sitting all alone whilst the chemo medications drip into your veins, waiting endlessly for the final drip so that you can get back to your life again. the looking into the eyes of other similiar tortured souls, sometimes eyes so young and lonely that your heart bleeds. the suspension of all life and activities until the final session of chemo and radiation have been carried out. the soreness when your skins rub against the clothes and the retardness of the throat to swallow. the waiting, the endless thinking, the long nights when you just can't sleep. intermittently, for no apparent reason other than a shadow on the film and to be safe than sorry, the doctor orders that a hole be poked into your lungs and a tissue sample taken. other times, he requests for more extensive tests to be carried out; blood tests, pet scans, x-rays, all taking a toll on the wallet but even worse, taking a punch at your apathy and raising fresh doubts and uncertainty. you can be brave the first time and fight it head-on with all the spirit in the world but can you be so brave the second time? the third time? the fourth time? there, we saw a man who has been there since our day 1, 4 years ago. for him, the battle has been a long companion on his dark nights. for us, we have been blessed. we have been given a second chance. every day is a day earned.