will someone who doesn't know love knows how to love? will it be a vicious cycle that is hard to break? like the one who was abused will abuse, will the karma of not knowing tenderness, understanding and communication be able to break free and give all that is true and sincere?

randy pausch said it is not the things we do in life that we regret on our deathbed, it is the things we do not. how come i am cringing in embarrassment over the things i said in haste, not the things i said not? time and time again, you will think that i have learnt my lesson well. apparently, i'm a slow learner.

four hours! my daughter asked me in amazement yesterday when i came home. you had lunch for four hours with your friends? my daughter is my mother now! she forgets that she has a full 7 hours with her friends everyday, for 5 days a week, whilst i meet no one day in and day out, travelling between one house to the other with no human interaction other than family members. i only have one 4-hours in months.

perhaps she has a mental vision of us eating non-stop for 4 hours, gobbling things down like turkeys. it is the human interaction that we all crave, i think. the chance to sit down and just chat about nothing in particular. what do we talk about for the 4 hours? topics ranging from morbid and serious dealing with reincarnation and sickness to senseless things like movies that we will see again and again, company logos, football (which just went over my head), crazy jokes and just mostly catching up on the latest with each other's lives. i can't remember half of the things we talk about. it is not the topic that is the focal point, it is taking time off to slow down.

sometimes even i wonder why my friends give me the time of the day. whenever i suggest lunch to catchup, the big bosses drop whatever they have on hand and give me the rest of the day. i feel honoured but why, i've often asked myself. i'm not the most interesting person to talk to, i'm not the most sociable and definitely not the most important. i'm regular run-of-the-mill-joe. lately, i'm not even funny. i think the answer lies in time. merely taking the time to just sit there, and talk about nothing in particular, sitting there whilst time drifts past, for us all who are trying so hard to live life right, it is really a rare opportunity. we all have our own fires to put out, our hurdles and obstacles, our own appointments to run to. rarely do we get a chance to sit down, do nothing, bother about nothing and just talk off the top of our brain. it doesn't matter if we have nothing to say, it doesn't matter if there is a lull of silence, being able to just sit there with no expectation, no pressure, no stress, it is why we have 4-hour lunches.

time is the most important thing that we can give others, in this day and age where everybody is so cold and always hurrying from one place to the next. where interaction is mostly through technology rather than good old face to face. time is the most precious gift. i feel blessed that i have friends, albeit the few, who will give me the time of their day.

yesterday was a difficult day. i could feel the toll on my physical self. i was distracted, to say the least. i didn't want to see any of my family members, not because they had any hand to play in the way my moods were playing, but because i didn't want to wear a mask and pretended everything was a-ok. i was still angry, but she has always been who she is. there is nothing i can do to change that. it all boils down to tons and tonsful of frustration. frustration at not being able to do something very simple and natural, like showing care and affection to the family, frustration at not being able to stay away but not being able to go closer, frustration at how complicated things lie.

however, i learnt one lesson yesterday. one lesson that i've learnt time and time again but each time it feels like new. i've learnt to let go. que sera sera. so things cannot go the way it rightly should, or the way i want it to be, or the way that everyone wants. life goes on. the moment that i announce to everybody that all plans have been cancelled, i felt a release from all the things weighing me down. i felt a great liberation. in part it was the guilt of letting people down that was making me unhappy. many were looking forward to the plans we have made. all but one. for that one, we are cancelling everything. still, que sera sera. the decisions have been made, the complication dealt with, and now time to close that chapter. granted, some things will remain the same, for she is still who she is, and granted i will have to do things differently from now on. i may not be able to do the things that come natural to me, like caring and loving for those that i do, but you live life the best you know how.

when did life become so complicated? why did life have to be such an intricate web of complexities? i'm a very simple person, with a very simple mind. my wants are very basic and it boils down to the very core of who i am, what i am. i just want everybody to be happy and healthy. on a perfect world, in a perfect situation, i love everybody. i exist on a very limited employment of my hard drive capacity. in other words, i don't keep much things in my brain. that explains for my happy-go-lucky attitude, the fact that i can sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, and also that my heart feels as light as a feather. it is the basis of my architecture. if i retain but one thing, small as a sand it may be, i cannot function. i cannot sleep, i cannot eat, i cannot rest. for my sanity's sake, i like life simple.

i have never once blogged about what frustrates me most. i have never once in all these 6 years mentioned her, who drives me nuts. her irrationality, her shrewness, her preposterousness, her shallowness, all the craziness that surrounds her interaction with me. for all her faults, i am still fiercely loyal, because she is someone close and dear, someone who is and should be regarded as blood. there is, however, no denying her wilfulness and the frustration that is compressed deep inside me now threatens to erupt. to let the world in on it will only be a betrayal, to bitch about her will only be graceless but i have no avenues for releasing my irritation. life is simple when you can just walk away, but is convoluted when that option is not available.

yesterday night, i nearly exploded. nearly. i've always kept my mouth quiet, unwilling to retaliate, not wanting to cause a commotion. i've taken in all her irrationality, her moodiness, but yesterday it seemed all a little too much. i wanted to give her a proper scolding, oh how much i really wanted to. to tell her how wrong she has been all these time, how unreasonable she had been. i clamped my mouth before it was too late to take it all back, and i feigned deafness once again when she insinuated and alluded.

i can feel the physical difference. my head throbs with vexation, my heart feels as if an elephant's butt is firmly planted on it, i can't breathe right and i couldn't sleep. it is strange how the mental mind physically affects the tangible body. what i really need now is a round with the sand bag to punch away all these pent up frustrations. failing which, i'm going for a run on the treadmill.

yesterday i caused a car accident with my ravishing beauty.

i was at this '+' junction, waiting to merge into mainstream traffic. there was a car on the opposite lane, also waiting for his turn. it wasn't an extremely busy road, but it being a '+' junction, cars were going in all direction. there was an endless stream of cars, all moving very slow. soon enough there was a gap in the flow of traffic. i was in no hurry though, so i signalled to the car opposite that he may go first. he hesitated for a fraction of a second, and then he started to move forward, very slowly.

i have enough reason to believe that the guy behind the wheels was so awe-struck with my radiating beauty that he was blind to everything else. otherwise, my soft waving hand was like a hypnotising wand and the guy was rendered imbecile with my charm. one thing for sure, he was blind. he was moving at supernaturally slow speed and supernaturally slowly hit a car that was driving along the main road. it was like a slow motion picture, brought to you by mgm studios. crash, bang, boom. the young girl behind the wheels was shocked beyond words. how he could miss the car that was also driving very slowly, i have no idea. where else could his eyes be looking except at yours sincerely, because the last time i checked, the registrar of road transportation does not allow blind people to drive. the setting sun was reflecting off his windscreen so i have no way of verifying where his eyes were staring, or if he had any in the first place. perhaps to all purpose he believed that his grandfather owns the road, and he could take his own sweet time to cross it and the world will stand still for him. alternatively, he thought it was the red sea, he was moses, and the traffic will part for him to cross at his will. a million of theories, but no answers.

in a way i feel responsible, because i let him go first, because i am too beautiful, because i entranced him and he couldn't think straight. :-p

people seem to be very crabby these days. is it the weather? is it the food? is it the economy or the politics? perhaps they are not getting enough action in the bedroom. headline: sexual frustration causes all types of social maladies.

one day not very long ago, i walked into the neighbourhood cafe to order a birthday cake. a distinguished looking caucasian man walked in to order 6 pieces of cake.

do you want 7 pieces, the lady behind the counter asked, seeing that there were exactly 7 pieces left of that particular cake. a perfectly normal question if you ask me, and a very entrepreneuring one. sell off the leftover pieces so that you can release the space for a new cake. very commendable, and if she was my employee i would have earmarked her for promotion.

the man, apparently with a lot of pent-up issues, in his pants and in his head, replied in a very agitated voice, "6 pieces mean 6 pieces!". he didn't raise his voice though, i give him that much. i turned to have a better look at him, at this well-dressed man, seemingly an expatriate with a high level position, and wondered why a simple reasonable question could spark off such irritation. a single 'no' wasn't good enough for this smart-looking man, he had to let the woman know that he can count. i never knew a situation when one didn't mean one, two didn't mean two, three didn't mean three, but apparently he did.

she asked meekly after a minute or two, "would you want that separately packed?" with the most arrogant yet indifferent look, he just gave a shrug. some people think that standing behind counters for 8 to 9 hours a day is a bliss, and having rude gruff customers is the icing to their day. forget common courtesies like thank you's and please's, expressing your request in a simple decent way was apparently asking for ice from hell.

i learnt that day not to judge a book by its cover. i've always known to respect people who are lower in the social hierarchy but never thought that the idiom goes both ways. a beautiful red apple doesn't mean there are no worms wriggling inside.