events over the course of last year have changed me, but perhaps not in the better sense. looking back to the very first posting and contrasting that exuberant, excited person with the one that i see in the mirror now, with the sad looking eyes, i realise that i have changed.
somewhere along the line, i lost the patience to sugarcoat my words, to look valiantly for microscopic traces of goodness in people, to barricade my cynicism and to be that better person. hell, for someone who has never felt the need to cuss, i've said more than my fair share during the past year, though not necessarily in the presence of company.
the anger and the frustration that are turmoiling underneath the surface threatens to erupt every so often. what doesn't break you, toughens you, they say. perhaps it's just the age.... or the cynicism. i am becoming quite the tough bitch that i never thought i would be; hard to love and even harder to understand. i find it intolerable to subscribe to the norm and be that sheep in the flock. when people are rushing to sing praises of someone, i am strangely quiet. not that i don't share the view, but i don't see the need for same phrases to be repeated. though, at times, i see myself flatter someone with such ardor that i mock myself inside, laughing at the hypocrite that i can be.
my life is different from yours. it is surrounded with deceit, greed, hypocrisy and all the evils that the pandora's box had released. to see the blue sky, i have to push away many layers of smog. perhaps it is all an exaggeration, perhaps i am just disillusioned.
