20 years. to some an eternity. to us, it was the blink of an eye. we met, we founded a friendship, raised a family and built a marriage. there were arguments, disagreements and we normally don't see eye to eye. yet, i cannot imagine life without him. we went through passion, and when that passion died, we learnt to love and tolerate. he knows as much about my stories as i do, and he remembers the last 20 years for me, whose cheese-holed brain only works half the time. we understand each other, and sometimes we don't.
Thursday, November 05, 2015
Tuesday, November 03, 2015
love
scrolling through old photos, i feel an indescribable sourness somewhere deep in my heart. looking at all the happy faces, the adorable smiles, the cheeky grins immortalised for eternity. is it yearning? for a moment long past and lost in the winds of time. is it heartache? for the naiveness of my children that was untainted by heart breaks and rejection. for the pureness of their souls and passion. for the innocence of a time long ago.
people say that you should treasure those around you whilst they are still here. time is short and the only thing that matter in the end is the ones you love and the ones who love you. but they never tell you that even if you have understood that from the very beginning, it doesn't make the path you walk any easier. it doesn't make the memories any less painful. you are so very aware of the slow trickling of time slipping through your fingers. you love, you grasp tightly, yet everything slowly drifts away. it is made even more painful by that awareness. a slow torture.
you learn to live with it.
people say that you should treasure those around you whilst they are still here. time is short and the only thing that matter in the end is the ones you love and the ones who love you. but they never tell you that even if you have understood that from the very beginning, it doesn't make the path you walk any easier. it doesn't make the memories any less painful. you are so very aware of the slow trickling of time slipping through your fingers. you love, you grasp tightly, yet everything slowly drifts away. it is made even more painful by that awareness. a slow torture.
you learn to live with it.
Friday, October 30, 2015
i think i can, i think i can't
some days i'm facing so much negativity that i find it a struggle to breathe. normal, simple things, met with disapproving clickings of the tongue. imaginative ideas to break free, showered with the cold water of cynicism. everything that possibly could going wrong. growing up, i never realised that i was an optimistic person. i was always apprehensive, afraid of loss and unfamiliar surroundings. perhaps with resistance, the will to persevere grows stronger. the resolution to stay hopeful shines brighter.
but even the little engine that thought he could has his off days. and when the wave of melancholy hits, i sink into my quicksand of depression, pulling and sucking me down into the dark abyss of despondency. i just want to hide in my bed and pull the blanket over my head. i want to pull the curtains and hide from the world. i cannot see tomorrow. i cannot imagine tomorrow. the cold dark sleep doesn't seem so scary anymore.
i wait. until it pass.
but even the little engine that thought he could has his off days. and when the wave of melancholy hits, i sink into my quicksand of depression, pulling and sucking me down into the dark abyss of despondency. i just want to hide in my bed and pull the blanket over my head. i want to pull the curtains and hide from the world. i cannot see tomorrow. i cannot imagine tomorrow. the cold dark sleep doesn't seem so scary anymore.
i wait. until it pass.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
lost kitties
it's none of my business. i keep telling myself. don't stick your nose in other people's business.
that's why i don't want to ask. when others tell me that her father doesn't keep in touch with her, or when her husband goes missing in action for several months. there is this part of us that will always be curious, this insane itch to know the gaps in the information, the black holes, but for nothing else than to satisfy our own inquisitiveness. i will not use caring as an excuse for intrusion and bitch-nosy. yeh, i coined that term up because if you are nosy, you are bitchy. some thrives on gossips and savour scandals. if none exist, they add some flavouring and concoct their very own brand of fiction. if i were to have only one principle in life, it will to not be like that.
yet, when i ask her if she has tried the famous restaurant near her place, and she hasn't, i can't help but feel a tugging in my heart. there is no one to bring her around. what does she do in the evening? internet, as will be all teenagers' reply. what does she eat for dinner. she doesn't. she eats a heavy lunch with her grandparents and goes home. at 15, it doesn't feel right to leave her all alone at home. granted a relative is a couple of footsteps away, but in that small place that she calls home, she is all she has. her independence and her maturity makes it alright physically, but even the strongest of adults get lonely. and loneliness eats away at the soul. everyone needs love. companionship. someone to talk to at the end of a very hard day. or a very happy day.
not that her parent is wrong. i am not here to judge. i also believe that everyone have to live their own lives. i am sure it is a temporary arrangement and things will be normalised.
i want to save every poor lonely soul. i am just me; incompetent, incapable and too much on my plate. even i get tired and overwhelmed. as it is, everybody looks for me. i can't continue living my life this way, saving every lost kitty on the road, but i am me, what can i do? i want to visit her every week to have a quick chat with her, even if all she does is lie there with her eyes looking listlessly, but not seeing.
sometimes i close my eyes and wait until the yearning fades, and i turn a blind eye. but the tugging and the pulling is always inside of me, echoing of the loneliness and the pain, telling me i can do more, i should do more. and i try. because i do not want to live with regrets one day. but other days i am overwhelmed, and i carry on.
that's why i don't want to ask. when others tell me that her father doesn't keep in touch with her, or when her husband goes missing in action for several months. there is this part of us that will always be curious, this insane itch to know the gaps in the information, the black holes, but for nothing else than to satisfy our own inquisitiveness. i will not use caring as an excuse for intrusion and bitch-nosy. yeh, i coined that term up because if you are nosy, you are bitchy. some thrives on gossips and savour scandals. if none exist, they add some flavouring and concoct their very own brand of fiction. if i were to have only one principle in life, it will to not be like that.
yet, when i ask her if she has tried the famous restaurant near her place, and she hasn't, i can't help but feel a tugging in my heart. there is no one to bring her around. what does she do in the evening? internet, as will be all teenagers' reply. what does she eat for dinner. she doesn't. she eats a heavy lunch with her grandparents and goes home. at 15, it doesn't feel right to leave her all alone at home. granted a relative is a couple of footsteps away, but in that small place that she calls home, she is all she has. her independence and her maturity makes it alright physically, but even the strongest of adults get lonely. and loneliness eats away at the soul. everyone needs love. companionship. someone to talk to at the end of a very hard day. or a very happy day.
not that her parent is wrong. i am not here to judge. i also believe that everyone have to live their own lives. i am sure it is a temporary arrangement and things will be normalised.
i want to save every poor lonely soul. i am just me; incompetent, incapable and too much on my plate. even i get tired and overwhelmed. as it is, everybody looks for me. i can't continue living my life this way, saving every lost kitty on the road, but i am me, what can i do? i want to visit her every week to have a quick chat with her, even if all she does is lie there with her eyes looking listlessly, but not seeing.
sometimes i close my eyes and wait until the yearning fades, and i turn a blind eye. but the tugging and the pulling is always inside of me, echoing of the loneliness and the pain, telling me i can do more, i should do more. and i try. because i do not want to live with regrets one day. but other days i am overwhelmed, and i carry on.
Monday, July 06, 2015
what do you see?
went to dialogue in the dark and dining in the dark two days in a row. my companions were not that thrilled prior to embarking on the adventure with me; something about total darkness, not being in control and not being able to see scares the living jezeebers out of some people. i had to tie their hands and legs and drag them along with me. deadweight slowing me down from doing the 100 metre dash in the dark.
whilst the normal comments following the visit are usually scared, frightened, unsafe, i thought 'peaceful and calming'. the cool darkness soothed me. i felt cocooned, like the bad and evil cannot penetrate the dark. i know this was an illusion, that the lack of people around heightened my delusionary sense of security and the relatively short time frame made everything bearable, exciting and enjoyable even. but i liked my escape in the dark and would have stayed much longer if my companions were not nervous and edgy.
as i age, my eyes are growing progressively weaker. from perfect superhuman 20/20 vision, i now have long-sightedness. goes with getting older, i heard, which is fair. but i also have short-sightedness. can't see near, can't see far. so i can only see at an optimal distance of 10 feet in front of me. anything nearer or further is a blur. when they say see life through rose-coloured lenses, i don't think they meant it like this. i've tried glasses, for those shouting at me telepathically through your computer, and of course i would have. except that those glass-wearing people don't tell you that you get headache if you wear them for long. or is it just me? you see, getting prescription glasses is an art, reserved only for those highly intelligent fraction out there. first they bring you into this dark room with a backlit screen of alphabets of decreasing size, and then they put a mad scientist spectacle-like contraption on your head. then they proceed to add and remove various and sometimes multiple glasses to the contraption whilst at the same time muttering 'is this better or that?" continually, like a brain-washed slave of an evil scientist. this is where i always make a mistake. naturally, one will choose the option which gives clearer vision. only there is such a thing as too clear vision, and i have only just realised this postmortem to paying skin and teeth for my new spectacles. at which point do i stop and make a stand? at which point do i say this is clear enough for me to make sense of the blurness and yet won't give me a splitting headache? there is no guideline, no rules, no right or wrong, as in everything in life. (grumble grumble mumble mumble) and so i mess up, like always.
to add to it, i have astigmatism. i think that's why brightness hurts my brain and eyes. whether the bright afternoon sun, or the intense glow from the metropolitan night light, it pierces something deep within my eye cavity. you may also remember that i suffered an accident to the eye last year, resulting in double vision on up vision ........and down vision........and side vision. so my eyes are all messed up and i can't see near or far, up or down, right or left, dark or bright. i don't even try. i just go with the flow. used to be that i go crazy because i can't see everything crystal clear, but then as you grow older to heck with it. nothing in life is crystal clear anyway.
so if you see a pretty woman (ahem, that's me) stepping on your shoe, or ignoring your crazy waves of greeting, you will be understanding and say 'oh, it's her eyes. i totally get it'.
whilst the normal comments following the visit are usually scared, frightened, unsafe, i thought 'peaceful and calming'. the cool darkness soothed me. i felt cocooned, like the bad and evil cannot penetrate the dark. i know this was an illusion, that the lack of people around heightened my delusionary sense of security and the relatively short time frame made everything bearable, exciting and enjoyable even. but i liked my escape in the dark and would have stayed much longer if my companions were not nervous and edgy.
as i age, my eyes are growing progressively weaker. from perfect superhuman 20/20 vision, i now have long-sightedness. goes with getting older, i heard, which is fair. but i also have short-sightedness. can't see near, can't see far. so i can only see at an optimal distance of 10 feet in front of me. anything nearer or further is a blur. when they say see life through rose-coloured lenses, i don't think they meant it like this. i've tried glasses, for those shouting at me telepathically through your computer, and of course i would have. except that those glass-wearing people don't tell you that you get headache if you wear them for long. or is it just me? you see, getting prescription glasses is an art, reserved only for those highly intelligent fraction out there. first they bring you into this dark room with a backlit screen of alphabets of decreasing size, and then they put a mad scientist spectacle-like contraption on your head. then they proceed to add and remove various and sometimes multiple glasses to the contraption whilst at the same time muttering 'is this better or that?" continually, like a brain-washed slave of an evil scientist. this is where i always make a mistake. naturally, one will choose the option which gives clearer vision. only there is such a thing as too clear vision, and i have only just realised this postmortem to paying skin and teeth for my new spectacles. at which point do i stop and make a stand? at which point do i say this is clear enough for me to make sense of the blurness and yet won't give me a splitting headache? there is no guideline, no rules, no right or wrong, as in everything in life. (grumble grumble mumble mumble) and so i mess up, like always.
to add to it, i have astigmatism. i think that's why brightness hurts my brain and eyes. whether the bright afternoon sun, or the intense glow from the metropolitan night light, it pierces something deep within my eye cavity. you may also remember that i suffered an accident to the eye last year, resulting in double vision on up vision ........and down vision........and side vision. so my eyes are all messed up and i can't see near or far, up or down, right or left, dark or bright. i don't even try. i just go with the flow. used to be that i go crazy because i can't see everything crystal clear, but then as you grow older to heck with it. nothing in life is crystal clear anyway.
so if you see a pretty woman (ahem, that's me) stepping on your shoe, or ignoring your crazy waves of greeting, you will be understanding and say 'oh, it's her eyes. i totally get it'.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
the power of cc
sometimes in the journey of life you discover the little roads and secrets that make life easier. things that people don't or won't tell you about. i don't know why; people should have a little handbook on life, its meaning, guidelines and little hacks but i guess if everybody knows about the cheat sheet, it will not work anymore.
ok, so this week i have discovered how to get someone's attention via email. grab someone by the balls, even if they are not physically equipped with any, and make them sit up and pay attention. in my line of work, i deal with people through email some of the time. however, people have an inclination to just read and move on, not taking the necessary action. i have been guilty of it once or twice, especially when i am checking my email on the move and then when i return to the office, i am too engrossed in catching up with work to remember. i do go through my inbox quite frequently to make sure that i have attended to the things that needed attention so that i am not one of those people who ignore emails.
so, what do you do when your first email has been ignored and there is no response whatsoever, not even a peep, from the recipient? give it a few days, then i forward the same email back to the same person, which quotes the first email and shows when it was first sent. that is the first reminder. a little knock, knock, hello, did you read the email? if that is also ignored, i then send another email, with words a little stronger, just a tiny bit because you don't want to go pissing people off and then you are just black-listed and you can scream till the cows come home and nobody will acknowledge you, but this time, i c.c. it to half a dozen people. people who are in the same company as the recipient and are vaguely related to the case in hand. the marketing department, the finance department, the admin department, the manager, the subordinate, the colleague, and to add a little weight on my side, i also c.c. to my husband. his work is roughly related to mine so it's not like i'm sending a copy to my grandmother, my mother, my daughter or my postman.
that little button near the name of the recipient, it is the holy grail of electronic communication. that is the little trick that makes them sit up and reply in the blink of an eye. because now everybody knows about this and they will know if you are ignoring the email. to be judged by your peers, or your superiors, is a fate worse than death. it is guaranteed to be 100% effective. if the recipient still does not reply, then please take a moment and pray because they must have come across serious grievous injury and are unable to return your email. pick up the phone and call their colleagues to offer them your condolence.
so, people, now you know the secret. go forth and put the power to the use of good. with great power comes great responsibility.
so, what do you do when your first email has been ignored and there is no response whatsoever, not even a peep, from the recipient? give it a few days, then i forward the same email back to the same person, which quotes the first email and shows when it was first sent. that is the first reminder. a little knock, knock, hello, did you read the email? if that is also ignored, i then send another email, with words a little stronger, just a tiny bit because you don't want to go pissing people off and then you are just black-listed and you can scream till the cows come home and nobody will acknowledge you, but this time, i c.c. it to half a dozen people. people who are in the same company as the recipient and are vaguely related to the case in hand. the marketing department, the finance department, the admin department, the manager, the subordinate, the colleague, and to add a little weight on my side, i also c.c. to my husband. his work is roughly related to mine so it's not like i'm sending a copy to my grandmother, my mother, my daughter or my postman.
that little button near the name of the recipient, it is the holy grail of electronic communication. that is the little trick that makes them sit up and reply in the blink of an eye. because now everybody knows about this and they will know if you are ignoring the email. to be judged by your peers, or your superiors, is a fate worse than death. it is guaranteed to be 100% effective. if the recipient still does not reply, then please take a moment and pray because they must have come across serious grievous injury and are unable to return your email. pick up the phone and call their colleagues to offer them your condolence.
so, people, now you know the secret. go forth and put the power to the use of good. with great power comes great responsibility.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
the oh shit club
welcome to the oh shit club. i am the president of the club, nominated by virtue of my so many oh shit moments. the first and foremost condition will be to endure pain, or not endure pain and exclaim oh shit. like when i sliced off a piece of my thumb. oh shit! like when i fondled the hot iron. oh shit! like when i burned my hand on a hot pan. oh shit! like when i stub my toe on the corner of the sofa leg. oh shit! i'm a very accident-prone lady, it will seem. but to be qualified to be the president of the club, you must be able to walk away nonchalantly and continue with your activity. try to stop the blood gushing forth for like 5 seconds, then wrap a bandage around it and continue chopping. when the bandage is soaked through with blood, change another one. if the food is tainted with some blood, oh well, blood is full of various nutrients i am told (the source of that information could or could not be from me). or when your finger is hurting like crazy after burning it on the hot iron, put a cold pack next to you so that you can alternate between sticking your finger into the ice pack when it is burning with pain and continue to iron when your finger can't tell the pain because it is frozen. we presidents are made of hard core stuff.
i'm looking to retire though. one only has so many fingers, hands and feet to massacre. anybody up for the job?
i'm looking to retire though. one only has so many fingers, hands and feet to massacre. anybody up for the job?
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
a dog's life
the dogs bark and are instantly shushed. in the dark corridor there is a device that emits a shrill sound anytime the dogs bark. a sound so high pitched that only the dogs can hear, they say but i can still hear the disturbing screech piercing through my peace and quiet 20 feet away. a little akin to someone screaming deafeningly into your ear whenever you talk i will think, from the dog's point of view. a little cruel i opine. dogs are as dogs go, puppies even more so. it's telling them to be less of a puppy and more of a puppet.
when they had 1 puppy it was all cute and nice. then came the female one to keep him company, and well, propagate. seeing him trying to hump her everywhere they went was a little disturbing i have to say. i will rather they do not do it in front of the dining table when i am trying to have a decent meal. it's like animal porn - live. then came 3 boisterous playful puppies, making a total of 5 dogs clamouring and scratching at your legs whenever you enter. not to mention the din of their bark at the slightest sound and the jewels they leave everywhere to surprise you and your poor feet. if you have never had a pack of dogs running towards you at full speed, with their sharp claws and over-enthusiastic greeting, it is more than a little intimidating.
we'll take one of the puppies, we thought, thus keeping it pretty much in the family and the parent dogs can still see the pups often. no, they said, it's their first batch of puppies. they can't bear to give it away. which i have to say i understand even though it is biting off more than they can chew (pun intended). only when the pups have outgrown their cuteness and are bigger in size than their parents that they are asking if perhaps we will like to bring one home now. that i cannot understand, or rather i don't think is nice. and no, we cannot have our choice, only the ones that they dislike more. we are not a dumping ground for unwanted puppies so we declined.
now, they are kept tied up in a room. i hear their sad whines occasionally. they have a cat, who has been tied up since birth, to keep them company. the pets have the best care in the world, she says. so much more pampered than those out in the street. a little spa there, a little grooming here and air-conditioning everywhere. i'm not sure if that's what they want or need the most. and a short play time at night so that they will not be too naughty. this is where my jaw drops, leaving my mouth with a gaping hole. playing with puppies do not spoil them, not playing with them drives them crazy with depression. we advise, we hint and we say; they need their freedom. give some away. it's falling on deaf ears. why are we so cruel to lesser beings? imposing our will on them and believing it is in their best interest. if we can't afford the time, why do we take them in? i believe the same can be said of so many parents. people who don't enjoy their children's company, who cannot wait to send them far far away at a very young age in the name of education. people who neither educate nor listen, replacing their time and attention with money. in this day and age with information everywhere, nobody can claim to be ignorant. yet why do we persist to be what we are?
when they had 1 puppy it was all cute and nice. then came the female one to keep him company, and well, propagate. seeing him trying to hump her everywhere they went was a little disturbing i have to say. i will rather they do not do it in front of the dining table when i am trying to have a decent meal. it's like animal porn - live. then came 3 boisterous playful puppies, making a total of 5 dogs clamouring and scratching at your legs whenever you enter. not to mention the din of their bark at the slightest sound and the jewels they leave everywhere to surprise you and your poor feet. if you have never had a pack of dogs running towards you at full speed, with their sharp claws and over-enthusiastic greeting, it is more than a little intimidating.
we'll take one of the puppies, we thought, thus keeping it pretty much in the family and the parent dogs can still see the pups often. no, they said, it's their first batch of puppies. they can't bear to give it away. which i have to say i understand even though it is biting off more than they can chew (pun intended). only when the pups have outgrown their cuteness and are bigger in size than their parents that they are asking if perhaps we will like to bring one home now. that i cannot understand, or rather i don't think is nice. and no, we cannot have our choice, only the ones that they dislike more. we are not a dumping ground for unwanted puppies so we declined.
now, they are kept tied up in a room. i hear their sad whines occasionally. they have a cat, who has been tied up since birth, to keep them company. the pets have the best care in the world, she says. so much more pampered than those out in the street. a little spa there, a little grooming here and air-conditioning everywhere. i'm not sure if that's what they want or need the most. and a short play time at night so that they will not be too naughty. this is where my jaw drops, leaving my mouth with a gaping hole. playing with puppies do not spoil them, not playing with them drives them crazy with depression. we advise, we hint and we say; they need their freedom. give some away. it's falling on deaf ears. why are we so cruel to lesser beings? imposing our will on them and believing it is in their best interest. if we can't afford the time, why do we take them in? i believe the same can be said of so many parents. people who don't enjoy their children's company, who cannot wait to send them far far away at a very young age in the name of education. people who neither educate nor listen, replacing their time and attention with money. in this day and age with information everywhere, nobody can claim to be ignorant. yet why do we persist to be what we are?
Monday, April 06, 2015
reportedly so
i came back from dinner one night, sans handphone which i have accidentally left behind, to find out that i have some missed phone calls and messages. for 3 hours i was missing and suddenly everybody is looking for me. that's the law of the world. friends that don't even normally contact me for that matter. how are you? went one. like this lah, how about you?, i replied. i texted another missed caller back too, are you looking for me? before anyone replied my message, the missed caller rang and screamed down the line, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!! HOW ARE YOU?! THE NEWS JUST REPORTED THAT YOUR DAD HAS PASSED AWAY!
oh...........my.................god! that took my breath away for a second. and i would have crumbled had i not just came back from dinner with my dad. i am very sure he is still alive. apparently that is the caliber of our journalists and newscaster. verifying the accuracy of information comes second to getting there and reporting it first. it reflects the very essence of what is wrong with our world. people, in their bid to be well-known, to be the first to say it, to be the smart-aleck who knew it first, give little regards to whether the information that they are spouting is true or accurate. who cares if i'm wrong, who will remember anyway. lackadaisical attitudes like these which reflect the typical "see lai housewives" species of which there are no precise translation in english.
different news channel are reporting different versions of who passed away, and as the dead can't stand for themselves and be heard, the rumours continued to be fabricated. it was this guy, no it was that guy. at the end of the night, a few men with the same name, who could still answer their handphone, was left fending phone calls and messages with the confirmation that they are indeed still alive and kicking.
even though it was not my dad, i was left shaking. i felt like i came within a hair's breadth to a catastrophe but was spared in an inconceivable mind-boggling way. like you know how after a misfortune, people will break down and moan for a miracle that will reverse time and change the sequence of events, only i was actually spared and time did reverse and my memory of the alternative sad ending erased. like a page from some stephen king's supernatural fiction.
the next morning, the information got a lot clearer. news sources are finally getting their information correct. they are reporting the correct name and the correct person. in the evening though, there was one news channel that was still obstinately reporting it wrong. it was even showing his photo with the correct name of the deceased. it was disconcerting, to say the least. i can't imagine how he must have felt, seeing his face scroll slowly down the screen. it was surreal. i can't even begin to say how glad i was that i can sleep peacefully that night. i am grateful to all the powers that be out there, atheist or not. and i am grateful to those who got in touch with me, those whose hands trembled on my behalf and who thought dearly of me.
oh...........my.................god! that took my breath away for a second. and i would have crumbled had i not just came back from dinner with my dad. i am very sure he is still alive. apparently that is the caliber of our journalists and newscaster. verifying the accuracy of information comes second to getting there and reporting it first. it reflects the very essence of what is wrong with our world. people, in their bid to be well-known, to be the first to say it, to be the smart-aleck who knew it first, give little regards to whether the information that they are spouting is true or accurate. who cares if i'm wrong, who will remember anyway. lackadaisical attitudes like these which reflect the typical "see lai housewives" species of which there are no precise translation in english.
different news channel are reporting different versions of who passed away, and as the dead can't stand for themselves and be heard, the rumours continued to be fabricated. it was this guy, no it was that guy. at the end of the night, a few men with the same name, who could still answer their handphone, was left fending phone calls and messages with the confirmation that they are indeed still alive and kicking.
even though it was not my dad, i was left shaking. i felt like i came within a hair's breadth to a catastrophe but was spared in an inconceivable mind-boggling way. like you know how after a misfortune, people will break down and moan for a miracle that will reverse time and change the sequence of events, only i was actually spared and time did reverse and my memory of the alternative sad ending erased. like a page from some stephen king's supernatural fiction.
the next morning, the information got a lot clearer. news sources are finally getting their information correct. they are reporting the correct name and the correct person. in the evening though, there was one news channel that was still obstinately reporting it wrong. it was even showing his photo with the correct name of the deceased. it was disconcerting, to say the least. i can't imagine how he must have felt, seeing his face scroll slowly down the screen. it was surreal. i can't even begin to say how glad i was that i can sleep peacefully that night. i am grateful to all the powers that be out there, atheist or not. and i am grateful to those who got in touch with me, those whose hands trembled on my behalf and who thought dearly of me.
Friday, April 03, 2015
indigestion
how does one keep oneself optimistic? the world is full of weary angry disgruntled hands pulling you down to its abyss. everyone's so angry. so discontented. so negative. sigh. with each passing day it gets harder to break free. finding for the beauty in things, looking at the rainbow after the rain, seeing the silver lining in the dark gloomy clouds, i am not sure i have the energy anymore. it is like a fight each day, pushing away negative thoughts, people who insist on being grumpy and unhappy, no matter how beautiful the day or the horizon.
i don't get hurt by the thoughtless things that strangers do. it's tiring. it's exhausting for sure, but i'm protected by the invisible bubble that is me. i sigh but i also laugh and i also smile, i am contented with the present. but when people close hurl painful jabs, without even a second thought, i try my hardest to understand. only when we hurt that we want to hurt. i try to empathise. but it doesn't stop it from being painful. not even for one second. it doesn't stop it from haunting my memories. i don't know which is worse; nary a thought of consideration before or no compunction after.
the world will be a beautiful place if only everybody loves and smile a little more. why all the hatred, all the anger, all the discontentment? we are all different, why do we ask that others are the same? we all have reasons for our actions, if we can't understand, perhaps we can empathise?
my heart feels heavy, my stomach uneasy. perhaps it's indigestion. of food or of life?
i don't get hurt by the thoughtless things that strangers do. it's tiring. it's exhausting for sure, but i'm protected by the invisible bubble that is me. i sigh but i also laugh and i also smile, i am contented with the present. but when people close hurl painful jabs, without even a second thought, i try my hardest to understand. only when we hurt that we want to hurt. i try to empathise. but it doesn't stop it from being painful. not even for one second. it doesn't stop it from haunting my memories. i don't know which is worse; nary a thought of consideration before or no compunction after.
the world will be a beautiful place if only everybody loves and smile a little more. why all the hatred, all the anger, all the discontentment? we are all different, why do we ask that others are the same? we all have reasons for our actions, if we can't understand, perhaps we can empathise?
my heart feels heavy, my stomach uneasy. perhaps it's indigestion. of food or of life?
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
tick tock, for whom time tolls
wow. can you believe that one third of 2015 is almost gone? 2015 just bounced in unwelcomed and unbidden and now it's trying to creep slowly out the back door. yes, this is the annual customary 'omg! look where has the time gone?' post. actually, no, it isn't but i just wanted to also scream 'OMG LOOK WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!!!' because the toilet roll of time seems to be running out faster towards the end!
OK, back to subject at hand. I've started to write 2015 instead of 2014 and am slowly getting used to the change. Until I saw that it is actually the year 2558 instead of 2015! WHA????!!! time warp. stephen hawking has finally managed to manipulate the space and time continuum, was my first thought. actually, it wasn't but it just sounds cuter if i put it that way. :p
apparently, in a galaxy far far away, eons of light years away from ours, some alien planet write this same time plane as 2558. actually, that distant planet is thailand. our 2015 means 2015 A.D (anno domini or in the year of the Lord), ie (isn't it strange that i.e. is read as I.E. and not that is, even though i.e. what it stands for. haha. see, you can't interchange that is with ie. how do you read an abbreviation anyway? so if you read an abbr. as it literally is, then you will read the first part of this sentence as 'so if you read an ae-brrrrrrrr'....which is weird, right?)
anyway back from the extended round the universe tour, thailand's 2558 is 2558 years after the death of Buddha. sigh. that complicates matters for the rest of the world. why are days religion-spurred anyway? shouldn't it be more scientific based? then again, when does time start if not at the mark of something significant? there has always been altercation about religion, even starting from the middle ages or maybe even before then. each wants to pull in more believers and followers to make their religion more powerful, the almighty one. for many who miss the point, religion is synonymous to politics. so, if the whole world, or almost a major portion of it, is writing their year as 2015, does it mean that christianity, or the acknowledgement of the existence of the Lord at the very least, has taken a firm hold on the daily lives of everybody? or perhaps it is just the easy way, for lack of an atheistic one, to mark the passing of time.
to complicate matters further, taiwan marks this year as the 104th year, sounding very much like some golden wedding anniversary. for them, it is the 104th year after the founding of the republic of china....which is taiwan. not china. even though it sounds very much like china' *rolls eyes* i think that the head of some countries are just too free and are just messing with our minds. it could have been the republic of taiwan... but nah, that will be too distinct and clear-cut. why not mess with generations of school children's heads and make it sound like people's republic of china, which is of course, china. wouldn't that be the greatest legacy and dinner conversation starter?
guest: so, what do you do anyway?
host: me? i single-handedly confused every single school-going child in the world. how's that for my resume!
so, apparently the marking of the passing of time, which sounds like a very scientific thing, is very much politically and religious motivated. don't tell that to my gprs-enabled wall clock which loses 1 second every 10,000 years. i think it is an atheist.
to mark this wonderful occasion (of what? that i am alive, typing and entertaining you with my delightful amusing thoughts) i should start my very own year, just in case one day i become famous one day. henceforth, this year will be known as 1m. 1me. :D
24/3/1m
OK, back to subject at hand. I've started to write 2015 instead of 2014 and am slowly getting used to the change. Until I saw that it is actually the year 2558 instead of 2015! WHA????!!! time warp. stephen hawking has finally managed to manipulate the space and time continuum, was my first thought. actually, it wasn't but it just sounds cuter if i put it that way. :p
apparently, in a galaxy far far away, eons of light years away from ours, some alien planet write this same time plane as 2558. actually, that distant planet is thailand. our 2015 means 2015 A.D (anno domini or in the year of the Lord), ie (isn't it strange that i.e. is read as I.E. and not that is, even though i.e. what it stands for. haha. see, you can't interchange that is with ie. how do you read an abbreviation anyway? so if you read an abbr. as it literally is, then you will read the first part of this sentence as 'so if you read an ae-brrrrrrrr'....which is weird, right?)
anyway back from the extended round the universe tour, thailand's 2558 is 2558 years after the death of Buddha. sigh. that complicates matters for the rest of the world. why are days religion-spurred anyway? shouldn't it be more scientific based? then again, when does time start if not at the mark of something significant? there has always been altercation about religion, even starting from the middle ages or maybe even before then. each wants to pull in more believers and followers to make their religion more powerful, the almighty one. for many who miss the point, religion is synonymous to politics. so, if the whole world, or almost a major portion of it, is writing their year as 2015, does it mean that christianity, or the acknowledgement of the existence of the Lord at the very least, has taken a firm hold on the daily lives of everybody? or perhaps it is just the easy way, for lack of an atheistic one, to mark the passing of time.
to complicate matters further, taiwan marks this year as the 104th year, sounding very much like some golden wedding anniversary. for them, it is the 104th year after the founding of the republic of china....which is taiwan. not china. even though it sounds very much like china' *rolls eyes* i think that the head of some countries are just too free and are just messing with our minds. it could have been the republic of taiwan... but nah, that will be too distinct and clear-cut. why not mess with generations of school children's heads and make it sound like people's republic of china, which is of course, china. wouldn't that be the greatest legacy and dinner conversation starter?
guest: so, what do you do anyway?
host: me? i single-handedly confused every single school-going child in the world. how's that for my resume!
so, apparently the marking of the passing of time, which sounds like a very scientific thing, is very much politically and religious motivated. don't tell that to my gprs-enabled wall clock which loses 1 second every 10,000 years. i think it is an atheist.
to mark this wonderful occasion (of what? that i am alive, typing and entertaining you with my delightful amusing thoughts) i should start my very own year, just in case one day i become famous one day. henceforth, this year will be known as 1m. 1me. :D
24/3/1m
Friday, March 06, 2015
noiseless noise
it's 44 this year. with age you are suppose to be more comfortable in your skin. more confident and fearless. at least that is what it appears to me when i was growing up and looking at the faces of older people.
and am i?
i guess it is true that you care less about what people think. but i believe that only applies to people you don't know. at least it does for me. i told my daughter that i am actually shy in nature, and she refused to believe that. her mother? shy? the loud-mouth woman who would randomly talk to strangers and voice out her requests to waiters? she doesn't see the timid and self-conscious side of me. i'm only shy with the people whose opinion i care about, people that i know and people whose judgement i value. she doesn't see when i look down on the floor or shuffle my feet. i'm shy when i actually give a damn, my two personalities a contrariety, like two opposite people living in one body.
but you don't grow more fearless as you grow older. if anything, i am more fearful. i'm afraid of swatting the fly, i am hesitant to destroy the ant, i think twice before i kill the mosquito if it doesn't appear to be interested in my blood. heck, i feel remorse at pulling out the weed!! i can almost hear them screaming for their lives, imploring me to think twice about annihilating their existence. with my own two hands i decide what lives and what doesn't? what gives me that right?! a plant, growing wild and carefree, undesirable only in my opinion, gets ripped out because it doesn't conform. yet what can I do? let the garden grow unkempt and untended? what is the point of having a garden then? it's a jungle out there (can't resist inserting this from the tv series 'monk')
i think too much, i know i do. who is so tortured by taking care of their garden? i am a paranoia begging to be released. i howl in turmoil inside when i have to squash the ants who are going about their day with such nonchalance. i question if i can live in peaceful co-existence with them. millipedes in the soil, cockroaches in the drain, ants in the kitchen, mosquitoes hidden away so i can never see nor hear them. i ignore those i can; like the lizards. i squirm when i have to kill those i can't. at 16 or maybe even 21, i was never thus. i never had a problem arming myself with the pest repellant spray. it was me against them in the survival of the wild. what has gone wrong? have i become more aware as i grow older? too aware?
it is burdensome and laborious living like this. yet i do not see a choice. i cannot determine what i will think or not feel. i can toughen up, like i already am trying, but i cannot not squirm in silence. i cannot be nonchalant about the whole thing. i cannot not be me.
what i need is to lie down on a comfortable daybed, in a dim room somewhere, and have a little chat with ms psychiatrist. i must be slowly going insane. you are witness to the slow degradation of someone's mind.
and am i?
i guess it is true that you care less about what people think. but i believe that only applies to people you don't know. at least it does for me. i told my daughter that i am actually shy in nature, and she refused to believe that. her mother? shy? the loud-mouth woman who would randomly talk to strangers and voice out her requests to waiters? she doesn't see the timid and self-conscious side of me. i'm only shy with the people whose opinion i care about, people that i know and people whose judgement i value. she doesn't see when i look down on the floor or shuffle my feet. i'm shy when i actually give a damn, my two personalities a contrariety, like two opposite people living in one body.
but you don't grow more fearless as you grow older. if anything, i am more fearful. i'm afraid of swatting the fly, i am hesitant to destroy the ant, i think twice before i kill the mosquito if it doesn't appear to be interested in my blood. heck, i feel remorse at pulling out the weed!! i can almost hear them screaming for their lives, imploring me to think twice about annihilating their existence. with my own two hands i decide what lives and what doesn't? what gives me that right?! a plant, growing wild and carefree, undesirable only in my opinion, gets ripped out because it doesn't conform. yet what can I do? let the garden grow unkempt and untended? what is the point of having a garden then? it's a jungle out there (can't resist inserting this from the tv series 'monk')
i think too much, i know i do. who is so tortured by taking care of their garden? i am a paranoia begging to be released. i howl in turmoil inside when i have to squash the ants who are going about their day with such nonchalance. i question if i can live in peaceful co-existence with them. millipedes in the soil, cockroaches in the drain, ants in the kitchen, mosquitoes hidden away so i can never see nor hear them. i ignore those i can; like the lizards. i squirm when i have to kill those i can't. at 16 or maybe even 21, i was never thus. i never had a problem arming myself with the pest repellant spray. it was me against them in the survival of the wild. what has gone wrong? have i become more aware as i grow older? too aware?
it is burdensome and laborious living like this. yet i do not see a choice. i cannot determine what i will think or not feel. i can toughen up, like i already am trying, but i cannot not squirm in silence. i cannot be nonchalant about the whole thing. i cannot not be me.
what i need is to lie down on a comfortable daybed, in a dim room somewhere, and have a little chat with ms psychiatrist. i must be slowly going insane. you are witness to the slow degradation of someone's mind.
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before you proceed, let me warn visitors that they may find today's posting a little crass, if not weird. hello everybody. are you all w...
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i'm back. yes, that is pretty obvious, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. i brought back souveniers, dear readers, to compensat...
