port dickson untold

the sun was slowly rising from behind the mountains in the early dewy sky. the varied hues of red, yellow and orange was like the palette of a talented artist. cold morning breeze caressed her face and carried her hair in a slow playful dance. she was all alone, sitting in the wet sand, watching as the sun slowly makes its way up into a new day.

port dickson. where it all began, and where it all ended. she remembered the moment they locked eyes on the beach, as if it was just yesterday. when she first saw him, she knew that he will be her future. it had been a fast courtship, with an equally fast matrimony. perhaps they knew subconsciously that their time together will be limited. their lives together was blissful, even if it hadn't been as long as she had imagined. if she had known that cancer will take him away, she would have devoted every single minute of her days to him. now, it's too late.

looking into the horizon, she could still picture themselves as old grandparents, hair grey with age and posture stooped, holding hands together, sitting in the swing that now lie broken and rusty in the garden. so much regrets are locked in her heavy heart. regret at not being able to see how he would have looked in his old age. regret at not giving birth to a child so that she can have someone to hold in her arms right now, someone who looks like an exact image of him. regret at not telling him more often that she loves him with all her life. regrets that are now drifting in the wind, meaningless and aimless.

tears streaked down her face with the thought of that. with a heavy sigh and a shake of her head, she stood up. it's not technically correct, she thought. cancer didn't take him away. the bitchy nurse who attended to him day and night did. with her sexy short skirt, her soft melodic voice and the swinging of her hips as she walked. he survived the cancer treatments but he didn't survive the temptation of that bitch.

that bastard!

the perfect man

the bride's maid stood up infront of hundreds of eyes and told the groom that he has to be attentive, caring, sensitive, wonderful, sweet, clean and a whole list of other adjectives that must have been a mile long in the speech of hers. ahhh....the expectations of an unwed woman in territory unknown.

i once was that foolish. i remember eons ago wishing, wanting my future husband to be everything, to be perfect, to be there for me in every way. to be every single wonderful adjectives that can possibly be. but does such perfection exist out there? and in the minute chance that it does, how do we compare with such perfection? us with our own flaws and weaknesses, won't we feel unable to measure up? for something that we are not, and will be unable to achieve in this lifetime, how strange that we expect that of others.

after 13 years of marriage, i finally understand what a marriage means. to be when the other cannot be. sometimes to give a little space, and other times to come a little closer. not to question what he should do for you but rather seek what you can do for him. not to look into his flaws but instead concentrate on his beauty, for everyone has both and everything is bi-faceted. to understand, to forgive and to love. these are lessons that i have not perfected but am learning to practice.

and when even 13 years seem like only yesterday, you know that you've found the one. a love that lasts a lifetime.

not unaffected

sometimes you walk through life not knowing who will touch you....until ultimately you come to the crossroad. who will you miss when they are gone? who will make your throat tight and your heart heavy, your mood down and your sleep devoid? who will occupy your thoughts and your mind? the uncle whom you have not seen for the last few years and have never had much to talk about? or the aunty that you see every so often but have nothing in common to expand on?

life's funny. you think that just because you are not close to them, that in the final event that they do leave this world, that you will be a silent bystander, observing others in their grieve, grim in your mood but unaffected on the whole.

apparently not.

an ode to my hair

goodbye my fair long luscious lock of hair
though thou has been gone for time past
memories of thou remains bittersweet in my mind
and fondness remains in my heart

thou has served me well over the years
so long that i can't remember being without thy softness
primping, colouring and perming,
all the beautiful memories we had together

made me beautiful, made me sexy,
my beautiful long luscious lock of hair
i didn't think things will ever change
but yet, change it did one day

you kept getting caught in my zippers
and slapped the face of the one beside me when i turned
tickled my armpit and poked my eyes
you were really getting quite bothersome

don't even begin about how you shed
all over the bathroom floor
and those split ends and hair bills
it was finally time for you to go through the door

but fondness still lingers when i think of you
didn't have to visit the salon every month
unlike your short cousin that i am sporting
quite a high maintenance relative you have there.

ahhhh.....only when it is lost that one yearns
but still i am hesitant
to return back to your arms once again
for now i feel light and carefree

goodbye fair hair.

my favourite things.....a long long time ago

have you ever wondered how much you have changed over the years? how much each life experience has altered you, if only for that little bit. not necessarily pleasant, not necessarily for the better. i've always believed my life's journey has made me more bitter, more cynical, less trusting of the goodness in humans, perhaps from the ugliness that i have witnessed and the coldness i have come across. when i was younger, i wanted every change in myself to be for the good, towards the light of righteousness and kindness. but not realising when, not realising how, i've arrived at a lesser version of myself.

was looking through some old memories and came across a list i made 20 years back, a list of my favourite things. was amused to read it and visualise myself way back then, a little person growing up in the world, full of ideals, full of enthusiasm. some things have changed, but surprisingly some things haven't. some things had to be compromised, some things staled but some things are forever me.



this is what i wrote.



what i like:

1. bouquet of pink roses

2. cuddly big soft toys

3. walking in the rain

4. watching the rain

5. staring at the night sky with the one i love

6. candlelight dinners

7. white t-shirt with blue jeans for guys

8. colour: pink, blue and white

9. dimples, long eye lashes, bushy eye-borws, smooth tanned skin

10. tom yam, paper-wrapped chicken, chicken fillet, prawn salad

11. unexpected presents (but not expensive ones)

12. strolling on the beach at night

13. having a dip at night

14. guitar-players

15. living in a double-storey spartment

16. a fireplace

17. someone who loves me very much

18. comedy shows

19. sentimental music

20. running/sprints

21. guys who are gentle and respectable with girls

22. chocolate ice-cream / milkshake / freeze / sweets

23. lemonade

24. low beds with satin sheets and many small satin pillows

25. wedding in church and honeymoon in rome and paris (i did go to paris for my honeymoon, without actually looking at the list. knowing that i did stay true to my dreams, even if it's only just that one thing, makes me feel warm.)

26. smiles and warm open hearts filled with love.

27. in a car with rolled down windows, loud music and moderate speed.

28. looking out to the sea from a ship.

29. shopping for clothes and stationery

30. sensitivity, manners, lots of love, understanding, smiles, protective, take care of me

31. strawberries, longans, lychees, watermelon.

32. making new friends

33. watching people dance

34. someone i like to hold and hug me from behind

35. cool windy days

36. char kway teow, fried bee hoon, chicken rice, roti canai

37. singapore

38. snow

39. bmw, ferrari, sports car

40. true friendships that last forever

41. sports: all types except roller-skating and golf.



some may be curious which is still me, which paled in the process of growing up. notice the colour difference. one is me, one isn't. only thing is, which is which? seems that i haven't really change all that much.

me meme-ing

me meme. meme me. you get the idea.


sweet shyanyan passed the baton, can hardly say no. so 3 about me is what you are going to get.



THREE NAMES YOU GO BY....

1. girllllllll (the emphasis on the 'lllll' is a must. haven't heard that since i got married though)

2. mummyyyyyyyyyy (incessantly, without a break in between when they are awake)

3. low por (come to think of it, does hubby call me that?)



THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD....(sounds like i'm a film star or something)

1. kaypolenglui (contrary to public belief, i didn't conjure that name up. whoever was the first idiot who put the name of my blog with my id should be slaughtered. the name stuck.)

2. me

3. mummy me (i don't even know if this is a reference to my status as a mother or my drawing of a mummified blogger, will have to ask annie)



THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF

1. my lips

2. my teeth, which doesn't need much care

3. my genes, which means i'm not likely to have diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol if i don't abuse myself that is. also means i will have the following three physical flaw. genes are physical! you know the 23 pair chromosomes thingy....you want to see mine?



THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF...

the first would definitely be the fact that i'm too much of a perfectionist and too tight-ass budden that is not physical....so,


1. my thighs, i'm distantly related to elephants.

2. my eyes. considered going for facial surgery but i'm allergic to pain

3. overstored fats for winter that will not be coming anytime soon.



THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE

1. hokkien-hokkien. and i can speak hokkien, not like one of those fake hokkiens-by-name-only! :-p

2. strange middle fingers that bend slightly away from the center, thanks to my father. told him i would have been happy with just his acute business acumen, but nope, he decided i needed his strange fingers, and toes, instead.

3. single eyelids, thanks to him too. wouldn't believe it to look at him because he has double eyelids..now. told me his double eyelids are a result of old age and droppy skin..... i have so much to look forward to when i get older. *rolls eyes*


THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU

1. not being able to stay alive for my children (used to be life was for myself, but now living is imperative for my children)

2. the death / sickness of my loved ones

3. not knowing my passion in life


THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS

i'm tempted to write air, water and food but i'll probably be blasted by readers....
this is difficult. most things i can go without. no handphone, who cares, all the better. no computer, ahhhhh, rest for one day, no facial products, i'm not that religious about it anywayyyyy....

1. perhaps the voices of my hubby and children.

2. food. hahaha. spare me, i really can't think of anything else.

3. clean underwear? ahhhhhhh, i don't know!!!


THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW

1. my heart on my sleeve

2. clothes, duhhhhh....(and nope, not pj's)

3. a pen through my hair


THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:

1. natalie imbruglia

2. diana krall

3. no more... :-p


THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS RIGHT NOW

1. phantom of the opera

2. angel of music (also from phantom of the opera)

3. blind romance (tony leung....awwwww)


THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP

1. love

2. laughter

3. sex? who wouldn't?


THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. dimples

2. 5 o'clock shadow

3. a shoulder that feels all warm and comfortable when you lie on it, like you have finally returned home.


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES

1. reading

2. writing

3. photography (which i still happen to suck, so don't ask)


THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. visit alaska to see the northern light

2. go on an alaskan cruise

3. eat chicken rice 5 days in a row


THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:

1. miss hongkong. hahahahahaha.

2. kindergarten teacher

3. subtitle-writer for illegal vcds. they really need i good one, i'm telling you.


THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. duh, alaska, didn't you read?

2. como shambhala, bali

3. banyan tree ringha, tibet


THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. see the northern light

2. discover my passion

3. live in other countries for a few months at a go.


THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:

1. i cry too easily when i watch movies.

2. i like earrings :-)

3. i like to be hugged and kissed


THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE NOT STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:

1. i like to stalk hardware shops, they give me thrills, after stationery shops of course.

2. i can't stand women gathering in a group, all giggly and gossipy.

3. i have hair on my fingers :-#


THREE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:

since i don't take rejections easily, and to save myself from thumping my head against the wall when i'm ignored, i rather not. the only person i can think of who will actually layan me is wuching. so, wuchy, if you please.

and zewt. for teasing me. :-p

hating it way back then

and part 2....

things i dislike:

1. queues and crowds

2. discos

3. raisins, jackfruit, tomatoes, pickles and onions

4. snobbish, playing-hard-to-get people

5. guys who bully or hit girls

6. yellow

7. the idea of being under the threat of nuclear / world war 3

8. window-shopping

9. alcohol

10. waking up

11. sleeping (except when i'm tired)

12. rude, ill-mannered, no respect for other people or properties.

13. unreasonable people

14. gardening under the hot sun

15. guys who dont' respect me or my decision

16. hot warm days

17. news

18. people who won't even help themselves and just remain miserable.

19. people who smokes.

20. creamy cakes

21. doing nothing and feeling bored.

22. guys who are so desperate, they practically throw themselves at you.

faux-pas

went shopping for my not-so-little niece's birthday. spied this really nice item; you know those big machines in the amusement park with the big claw that you control to go down, right or left to grab the small souvenier that you wanted? well, this was a miniature version of that and me, being still the kid at heart, thought cool! if she hated it, i can always take it back, with a smile on my face.

so, i looked for the nearest salesperson. miss, does this work? she turned and gave me the angriest, most sullen look ever. what? what?? what did i say wrong? err........no! is 'she' not a 'she'?? she did look quite butch, or perhaps unisex is the better description. she's not ugly or anything like that, she just seems to fit both the male and female category. nahhhh, i can't be wrong. or am i? damn! damn! should have just said 'excuse me, does this work....' without any reference to a particular gender. why did i have to put my foot in my mouth! she opens her mouth to reply. damn! still can't tell whether she's a girl or guy. did i interrupt her listening in on her colleague's conversation with another guy or did i made a major boo-hoo in her sexual identity? she still looks pissed off.

much later, i realised she must be a girl. she has boobs. phew! nearly made a faux-pas there. but why was she so angry with me then? permanently contorted face.

impressive

don't try to impress me with who you've seen or who you've been with, i probably wouldn't know who they are.

don't try to impress me with how thick your wallet is or how many cards you have inside, i will think you are shallow.

don't try to impress me with the places you have been, i will think you have some big issues you are trying to avoid at home.

don't try to impress me with how big and expensive your car is, i will think you have a small appendage and is trying to make up for the insecurity.

don't try to impress me with the size of your house, i will pity you because it's cold, empty and lonely.

don't try to impress me with the things you know, because i know you'll never know everything.

don't try to impress me with your sensitivity; i don't need to know anyone who cries at the setting sun and thinks that it is moving.

impress me with your patience, for all things big and small.

impress me with your sense of humour, if you are certain you have one.

impress me with your tolerance; for diversity, for difference, for everything that is not you.

impress me with your confidence, because you don't care what everybody else thinks of you.

impress me with your friendship, because you really do care about me.

death of a cup

walking into the kitchen, i spied the percolator running with just enough brew left on the pot for one cup. my mouth salivates in response. i love coffee. i hate coffee. it's a love-hate relationship. but today i can do with one; it has been a stressful if not busy day.

picked up a cup from mum's cupboard. oh no, not that cup again. the one that makes loud disturbing music when the cup is raised from the table. 'music' being a matter of opinion; i see it more as noise. irritating rhythms associated mainly with chinese new year celebrations. tong-tong-chang. tong-tong-chang. the michellin man grins back at me from the shiny surface of the cup whilst i grimaced. my head is throbbing. who invented the musical cup anyway? who thought it was a brilliant idea to have some cup play the same music over and over again like a broken record while someone is trying to have a relaxing cuppa. someone enjoying a sip of drink over an engaging novel or a drink whilst catching up with friends. not exactly conducive with the senseless music interrupting everything from decent conversations to deep thoughts every so often. it must have been the inventor's idea of a practical joke to the gullible world, so eager to buy up any gimic.

i remembered buying one such musical cup for my mother when i was younger. perhaps one of those mother day's present. did i or didn't i? i can't convince myself that i was ever that thoughtless in selecting gifts. don't know why i ever thought it was a cute idea. don't see that cup lying around either. mum must have 'accidentally' dropped it one day when she had all that she could bear. i can see why now. my fingers feel very rubbery and slippery now too. you think mum will miss the cup if i murder it?

human nature

human nature is quite an ugly thing, isn't it? the frequent asked question; are we born good or are we naturally selfish and greedy? why is it so easy to turn to the darker side of our nature?

in the supermarket, anywhere, walk up to any product. start piling all of it into your cart, and very soon you will have curious stares from the aunties hovering around. they will start to move closer, like the hungry wolves testing their boundaries. they will pick up the same product, look at it and examine it thoroughly. why is someone else soooo interested in this thing? this must be a good thing. this must be value for money. no opinion of their own whatsoever, no judgement on whether they need it or what is in the product. if somebody wants it so bad, it must be good, and hence they want it too. the herd theory. or the local equivalent, the kiasu theory. it's also how many housemakers are tricked into parting with their husband's hard-earned cash; greed. a time-honoured trick, announced to the world by tvs, radios, newspapers, every way you can think of, but still there are those that falls in the trap. of simply wanting what other people want. some fight with others for that item on sale, an elbow in the rib here, a push of the hip there, all to get a firmer hold of that red skirt. an item that they have not even tried, much less get a better look at. are they sure they really want it? for all you know, the winner brings the trophy home and shove it behind the pile of clothes that will never be worn. all because of pride.

for men, other people's women are always better, more attractive, more understanding, more sexy, more ... everything; this rings true after many years of marriage of course, when the sparks don't burn anymore. their cars are better, their houses bigger, their dogs cuter... of course, you understand that the person whose wife you are eyeing is in turn eyeing your wife. what you don't appreciate, many are appreciating.

years of marriage dull senses. hearing, eyesight, smell and even taste. you can't hear what she is really trying to tell you anymore. you can't see what's different about her today. you can't even smell the new perfume she has on. but the funny thing about men, when she is suddenly the center of attention, your attention perks up again. hallelujah! it's a miracle. you can see, hear and smell again. you want to 'date' her all over again. cosy candlelight dinners. special attention. consideration. but when she is out of the limelight, she will get shelved behind the forsaken golf clubs and mint-new unused golf shoes once again. just because she will always be there. people want, i want. people don't want, i'm in no great hurry to want.

men, women. all the same. same ugly human nature.