L.O.V.E.

it is a lofty proclamation, to say that i will be loved greatly, or not at all. no half loves, no faltering loves, no one's bench warmer, no one's substitute. when i was much younger, i chose to leave when i felt i was no longer someone's greatest love, or when i realised i never was. my mind was filled with fictional fairy tale loves. it was all or nothing.

many many years down the road, i can no longer say such arrogant words. i can no longer choose how i am loved, only how i love. i can give 110% of myself, and only shrug my shoulders, steel my heart and move on when i receive cold words and colder indifference. in the silence, i look back and i realise that i have only one who loves me so devotedly. throughout my entire span of 47 years, everyone i know, who knows me, only one single person takes such great effort to love me. and for that i am very very grateful. that one such person does exist in my life, that my happiness makes a difference for someone in this world. for otherwise my life would have been so cold, when i look back from my deathbed i would never know for what i have lived.

to say the word love is so easy. to believe that you do is even easier. being by someone's side every day, is that love? by doing what you would normally do anyway, is that love? i have since learnt that when say you love someone, ask yourself, what have you done for that person lately? are you sorry you couldn't do more? such is love, to give of yourself without asking for anything more than their happiness. i never had parents who thought the world of me, family who treasured me, people who thought the world of my mere existence. if i were to drop dead tomorrow, how many would shed a tear? how many would still shed a tear 10 years down the road? i don't want to know the answer for i fear that i will falter in my love. i don't want to know the answer for it should not be the reason i love. i love because i do.