*taking a deep breath*......frankly, i don't. because it has never happened to me. i have never come across anyone parting the sea or relatives with incurable disease suddenly walking away with a clean health of bill. i have heard many many such stories but i have never been fortunate enough to be blessed with it...and so i don't believe in miracles.
but now, i have to. to believe in it blindly. for how else can i continue with my life? if i were to believe that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and that all that i am doing is useless, how can i go on facing what lies ahead of me? if there is no more her in my life, how can i live with the emptiness and memories?
in half an hour, the story of my life has been turned upside down. i have always considered myself very fortunate, with no big dramatic upsets in my life to unsettle it. i have never had to go through any big trials and tribulations and for that i have always been appreciative and thankful. i don't see myself as a strong person and i don't believe that i can weather through difficult times. but i have no choice now.
nobody can shelter me from the pain and hurt that i feel. nobody can bring her back to me. nobody can erase my tears when everything that i see around me brings back memories of her. i just want to curl up and hide under my pillow, until everything is over. but it will never be the same again. without her, i feel empty. like i am in a fiction story, i keep waiting to wake up from this dream.....
some days, i feel calmer and i want to write my feelings, to leave it here and not bring it with me when i see her. to leave it here so that i can continue with my life, which i have kept on hold. i keep myself busy so that i have no time to reminiscence about all our memories together. but when you have such a long history, the slightest things will trigger it off. my body has trouble keeping up with my mind, which runs to that lonely place every opportunity that i am free.
i have been though hell and back. some days, they give me such bad news, dooming all my hopes and on other days, she gives me a glimmer of optimism. it is a very cruel cycle.
but when i look into her eyes, i forget everything, except how good it feels to be able to talk to her. how good it feels to be able to just stand next to her and stroke her hair.
and when i look into her eyes, i believe in miracles.
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5 comments:
Nay...I don't expect miracles but I do believe in small little things that add up to make us feel better. Though I don't have the faintest idea what you are writing, all the best!
Like auntie, i too don't have any idea what or who you are referring to. but i guess she must be someone very dear to you and in circumstances like this, I really don't know what to say except to offer you my sincere and total support. Whatever it is, you know we are here to listen.
who is her?
if i believe in miracle, then i am god! god helps those who help themselves...
take care!!
thank you for all your kind comments and listening so patiently. she is a dear old friend whom i misses so much :-(
I thought she's your pet dog wor.
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