my journey

there is no manual on growing older. no books to read, no courses to attend. we all grope our way along in the dark, learning as we go along. things that we know now, that we didn't know then.

for one, i've learnt to love myself. the small beady eyes, the stubby nose, the short stature, well maybe not the genetically big butt, but the rest have become part and parcel of what i am, of who i am. and what's more, i've come to accept it and adore it. i even think i'm beautiful, eventhough in actual fact i am far from it. those that don't share the view, i couldn't care squat. with age comes confidence.

with age also comes the realisation that you know nothing. that you don't have enough inside of you. the more you read, the more you learn, the more you realise you know nothing. the world is so big, the people out there so many. how come i can't understand how to build a nuclear weapon, complicated scientific theorem and more no matter how hard i try? when i was young, i thought all things possible, with a pinch of concentration and an ounce of diligence. but i now realise that is not necessary true. there are many things i will like to invent, if simply to help me solve my present chaos. but i don't know the first thing about inventing. the virgin effort probably will be to look for a solution to this cheese-holed memory. perhaps it's just selective recollection? for which, there is no known cure. but with age, you realise you're emptier inside. the more you speak, the emptier it becomes.

with age comes a tiredness. or maybe a blurness of the sparkle that was once you. a disillusionment. a fatigue for trying the millionth times to change the world, if only for a bit. a lethargy for continuing your journey. maybe it's just a restless sleep the night before. i can't tell. but you stop trying. and you start accepting.

that's what i've gleaned thus far. on the lesson of aging. not of getting old, but getting older.