fear

just when you think you are jaded, just when you think you know the world and it has nothing new to offer you, life surprises you in many ways. i'm trying new things nowadays. it's putting butterflies in my stomach. or is that just my gastric juice acting up again?

finally went on the trapeze, after hours and days of nagging from the little ones. for some strange reason, they want to see their mother, the person who went through much pain and hardship to give birth to them, go through the fright of her life and possibly suffer a heart attack in the process. kids are such little devils.

many will not understand what the big deal is about, but those closest to me know. my family understands, especially since they have been there with me everytime i freeze with fear in high places. i would sooner crawl on the dusty floor of hillside ledges rather than trust my own shaky feet. when people stood at the cliffside of the grand canyon in las vegas, enjoying the beautiful sceneries of the breathtaking gorge, i waited safely in the comfort of the bus, not missing a little bit of the acrophobia that i know will suffocate me.

my fear of heights is quite a strange thing. one day i was leaning over the balcony of the 23rd floor and dropping water balloons without any apprehension about the height and another day, i realised i was terrified of heights. perhaps it's the acknowledgement of mortality in all of us.

anyway, i am at a loss for words to describe the trapeze experience. i was mentally geared up, having been bomblasted for days on end by the kids but that didn't stop me from screaming just as i was approaching the trapeze site, just to let out all the tension and pent-up fear. the people in charge gave me a weird look. what? you never have a crazy petrified woman going on the trapeze before? the whole thing was surreal. it felt like i was emotionally removed from the physical experience, automatically performing what i was suppose to, hanging upside down from the swinging bar. my mind was a blur. i was rambling like some pathetic idiot. when my legs were back on safe ground, i realised my limbs were shivering uncontrollably. i don't know any other idiot who is so petrified of heights who will do such a dumb thing. after that experience, i think i am less afraid of heights. to face your fears, they say. but i am in no hurry to test my new found confidence. not for a very long time.

for now, i am all geared to try more new things. next on my list is roller blading along the east coast in that little island down south. first i have to get over my fear of falling down on my bum and spread eagled on the pavement like an idiot. then again, i'm already used to the feeling of being an idiot. one down, another to go.