an almost muted music playing in the air. my stomach satieted from a simple breakfast. a book about tales from nowhere in my hand, as i chewed and read about the adventures of a man to journeys far into the middle of nowhere. i can't help but wish i am more courageous, that i am more spontaneous. more of a lot of things actually, of which i am none. it's human nature to wish for things that you have not and are not. for me, i wish i am less afraid, of trying new things, of being unprepared and unsure, of not having a firm grasp on things. would life have been very different if i had let my heart rule my head? would i have been a better example to my kids to love more, to laugh more and to live more? sometimes i feel ashamed. for being a friend, a mother, a partner who lives so structuredly. i look on with envy at people who laugh the loudest, who danced with the most abandonment, whol lived the fullest. and i understand that it will never be me. i will not be happy living that life. i need my deafening peace and loud silence to survive. i need my quiet melancholic moments and everything to fall perfectly into place to be at ease. i need to be me. but still, every once in a while, i look at others and i wonder what it will be like to not be me.